This morning I had another counseling session. I haven't been for three weeks, and probably could have used it more last week than this week. We were supposed to go over the results of my personality test that she had me take, but we both forgot and by the time we remembered, it was too late to get into it. So, in two weeks, that is first on the agenda, that is...unless I have something more pressing to deal with first...let's hope it's just a good two weeks. It's always surprising to me how helpful she is...must be because her name is Lori, too ;) No, really though, she is just a good listener and I know that she is also a *safe* listener, which counts tremendously these days. I have never been overly concerned with editing my comments, especially in the last few years and more specifically in the last few months. In my whole cleaning my closet crusade, I have more or less decided that if I couldn't deal with the repercussions of the words that come out of my mouth, then I shouldn't be saying them in the first place. Kind of that whole...if you have nothing nice to say...mantra. So, when I say she is *safe* what I am really referring to is my own shortcomings with showing my vulnerabilities. It is hard for me to look or appear *weak*, even though I know in my head there is nothing *weak* about mourning the loss of your child. It is normal and natural, but wearing my heart on my sleeve is still a hard pill for me to swallow. So much easier out here in blogland. For that, I thank you all for being counted as my *safe* listeners. Bet you didn't know that you are saving my sanity one day at a time :)
I did get a run in tonight. It was hot, humid and the bugs were thick and I was desperately afraid that I was going to choke on a few :P but the run was not horrible, which is good enough for me. The runs are moving ever so slowly in the right direction and I will just pretend that by the time the weather actually doesn't suck, I will be able to run like Marcy ;)
Oh, I almost forgot...my mom decided to keep the kids for another night (which is a HUGE shock in itself), so on my way home from work, I stopped by the LBS to just start doing some window shopping and recon work. They are soooooooo pretty and I am definitely star struck. I guess it gives me something to start a new envelope for! LOL
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14 comments:
I personally will tell you I'm here for you when you need. I think I understand the difficulty in truly opening up and trusting people. I have a thin meaty layer over a very thick armor, which few have ever penetrated. And any gaps in the armor will close quickly and forever if the person crosses me.
Though I haven't been here in blogland long, and even less time enjoying your blog, I guess I feel a kinship with you on a few levels. I haven't ever gone through exactly what you have, but have lost people very close to me, starting at a young age. It's toughened me in the worst (but sometimes best) ways; I wind up "protected" from those that care many times. Just ask Mendy how tough it can be.
Things will never just all-of-a-sudden get back to normal, but in time you will evolve to adapt better, maybe crying less often, maybe learning tricks to let the happy moments push away the sadness. And lean on others. Big cyber hug to you. :-)
Thanks for stopping by and saying hi!
As I read through your entries I realized that sometimes the inspiration to run comes from so many different places and not just from people talking about "running". Thanks for inspiring me today!
I look forward to reading more about you and your running. :)
I totally understand what you are saying! I am glad you feel safe with us. I tend to put up a brave front most of the time as well..sort of what David was saying with the armor...I think of mine in terms of walls though.
Tell me what you found at the bike store when you have a second. :>)
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm not sure I'm a 'safe' listener or reader yet, and I haven't been through the tough times you've been through, but I do know what it is like to try to hide my weaknesses. The walls I've built are pretty strong and I find that I can write about what goes on inside, but I'll rarely share it with someone in person.
For me, getting out and running is often better than meeting any of my ridiculous time goals. I save those for races and hope everything goes well...
(((HUGS))) chica!! I agree with Lisa and totally get what you're saying. You know how I am, I am totally and absolutely uncomfortable at anything I cannot joke around about. Especially the serious stuff. So I can only imagine how hard it is for you to come and wear your heart of your sleeve. But yes it is easier to do it in Blogland :-) Hopefully this will be another tool for you in "keeping your sanity" You know we're here for you!
This is a great place to find help when you are down. I've met some great people here, and they have always made me feel better when I am down. We are all here to listen and try to help you in any way that we can.
I'm getting excited for you knowing that you are window shopping at the LBS!! :-)
Blogland is where I let it all hang out. Maybe its that ability to just walk away forever that allows it all to be. Who know? Don't care :-) Just know that we'll always be here for ya!
With that said, if you start talking about bikes, you are going to get a lot of people really excited :-)
It gives me comfort to know you have "safe" listeners, be it Lori or blogland.
Everyone needs that place.
I probably wear my heart on my sleeve too much, but that is how I am...I"m at the take me or leave me time too .
I'm glad you got a little more "me" time! Yeah MOm!
i think my wife would categorize me as a dangerous listener. :) but glad i can be part of your safe club. it's a great thing to have people to lean on.
I am so happy that you stopped by my blog, because I feel that I'm getting to know you a little bit. Big hugs to you - and for coming on here and sharing with us, even though it can be tough. I commend you and I thoroughly enjoy reading your entries. I will, some day, be a little more open like you are. It doesn't hurt, and actually helps to have cyber support.
((hugs too))
It is hard to be vulnerable, but it is valuable to open yourself up. I can't truly imagine what you've gone through, but I am a pretty good listner/reader.
And don't worry about running like Marcy, she's too fast for most of us! Only Wendy can catch her.
Hang in there...you have our prayers. Keep the faith and stay strong.
((BIG HUGS)) Lori.
We're here for you when you need us. :-)
I'm glad that you have your counselling appointments. I would agree that the blogosphere supporters are something that not everyone has. It is awesome.
The time between my counselling appointments is growing too. I'm waiting for the next grief support group to start up but it's not until September. I may have to cough up the dough for another private session in light of the recent goings on in my world.
And speaking of the closet, I was in my husband's today. I found an unwashed handkerchief - but it didn't smell like him anymore. Bummer. Oh, and I donated the truck finally.
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