Friday, September 28, 2007
I don't know if any of you watched Ugly Betty last night, but the ending just broke my heart. Betty's sister's fiance was shot at the end of last season and during the whole episode it showed Hilda and Santo in her bedroom, basically her keeping him in bed under lock and key to keep him safe after being shot. Everything was white and light in the room, they talked about their upcoming marriage, she showed him her dress, he showed her his vows. It was all very touching and the whole point was that she was keeping them both "safe" so nothing bad happened again. In the final scene, Betty knocked on the door and entered the room to ask if Hilda wanted to come help make dinner. Hilda was alone in a dark room in bed and told Betty that "he isn't coming back" and admitted that was the first time she has said as much out loud.
From the previous few days that I have had, that was all I needed. The flood gates opened and it just made me realize what I would give to be able to just "pretend" it all away. I wish I could just lock myself in my room, hide under the covers and spend everyday with my baby. But I can't. And I do know that. And I will feel better again. Just maybe not today. And maybe not tomorrow. But it will be soon. Because whether I want to or not, I have to.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
That'll do it. Now if we can just get him to sack his own quarterback.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Honestly, this week has just been exhausting so far. Between workouts and breakdowns, rashes and runs, then throw in the mandatory cooking and cleaning and this lady needs a break! Unfortunately, it just doesn't look like one is coming anytime soon. Over lunch, we did upper body and I have already promised my neighbor/friend that I would run with her tonight, so we'll add another 3 or so miles to this tired body. Tomorrow I may just take the day off. My problem, however, is I am easily talked into going to the gym over lunch. All Kathy has to do is look at me and say "you goin'?" and I'm hooked. Easy, I tell ya, too easy. Tomorrow night there is a football game. Saturday morning another football game (JFL this time) and then an auction to go to.
I have never mentioned this before, but I heart auctions. Like truly, madly, deeply. I am probably more dangerous at an auction than I am at a casino. And I have to tell you, that one time I went into a casino - no good came out of it :( So, I am totally stoked to see what kind of awesome treasures these people had hidden in their attic, shoved in a corner of the basement or just thrown in a junk drawer that I feel I can't live without! Oh, then if there wasn't a run on Friday, there will be one on Saturday at some point, too. I have also been invited to go to Oktoberfest Saturday night, which should be fun, but there is one person that I am not overly looking forward to having to spend the evening with. But she is only one out of a big group that is going and I really shouldn't let it stop me, especially when the babysitting is already set up.
Oh, and then I really would like to spend Sunday doing some cooking since I ran across this awesome blog and really want to try the lasagna and a few of the other recipes for meals next week. Plus, I think it would be a good activity to do with the kids if they feel like helping.
On another note, I signed Jack up for a grief camp two weeks from Saturday called Camp Courageous. It is a full day at a camp where they will have support groups, crafts, sports and horseback riding. I think I need a camp like that. I would do so much better in that kind of setting than just sitting around in a circle crying. Oh, who am I kidding? I just want to go horseback riding :P
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
She's 3. And she is already so many things. She is 50% theatre and 50% nurturing. My dream for her is that she will find a stage and make it her own and then settle down and have 12 kids. I truly think she will need both of those things to be complete in life. Her imagination and antics are limitless, as is her compassion and nurturing capabilities. Most days she stresses me to no end. The little darling, I just want to throttle her.
But then, there are nights like tonight. Nights when she sobs for her little brother like nobody's business. You have to understand, even at 3, she loves the babies at the sitter's more than life itself. And her brother was HER baby. Her sole mission in life was to take care of him. To make him laugh and to keep him happy when it was asked of her, and believe me, as a single mom of three, unfortunately, it was asked. She not only rose to the occasion, she excelled. That little boy loved her. And her other brother as well. He beamed when he saw those two and life was good.
I remember after having Payton. Jack was 4, almost 5. I went outside for just a minute to talk on the phone and left Jack "in charge" of her. I could see them through the window and I was almost brought to my knees by the tenderness with which he treated her. With Kruex, multiply that feeling by 100. I had two kids that would do nothing less than love and protect their little brother. The feeling was just priceless.
So, while I understand that I have to suffer this loss, and I even understand that I have to get my other kids through it. Nights like tonight kill me. I don't know what part of the bargain this falls under. I lost one. I have to go through that and I accept it. Why do I have to watch my darling daughter grieve it too? She is *supposed* to be too young to hurt this much. She is *supposed* to get past it.
But she isn't.
And I'm not either.
And how do I explain to work that I have to come in late because Payton wants to go to the cemetary when we wake up?
Monday, September 17, 2007
I ran over my lunch hour at the gym. I decided to run inside on the track instead of venturing outside, even though the weather has been much kinder lately (although today was a bit warmer than the last 5 or so days have been), but nonetheless, I didn't want to deal with my ipod and trying to guess how far I was going/had gone. I just knew I wanted to do 3 miles and that was it. I am planning another 2 or so later tonight with my friend that finally got clearance from her doc to start running again, so I didn't want to push it this afternoon. So, after I finish my run, I walked back to the other end of the building to stretch my legs out and happen to glance into the lap pool on my way by (it is down below). That's when I saw him.
I have to say that I try my best not to judge at the gym. I am all about supporting the seriously overweight while I am running around the track. They are out there trying. Same goes for the pool, but I just don't see any sane reason why a 300+ pound man would opt to wear a speedo for his swim workout????? I know that I would not choose to wear a string bikini to an indoor pool (or outdoor for that matter, but that's another story) to swim laps and just cannot seem to wrap my mind around that fashion choice. But, I guess, at least he was out there doing it and to each his own. Right?
On to more exciting news. My daughter got a new imaginary little sister this weekend. Her name is Susan, but, as Payton says, you can call her Susie. She is 2-years-old and kind of the little mischief-maker :P I had to *pretend* wash her hair and then put it in a *pretend* ponytail. Then we went to a friend's for a cookout and the little turkey jumped in the pool and Payton made my friend's 12-year-old son *pretend* jump in after her! The girl obviously has too much time on her hands - either that or she needs more friends :P
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I got a call from my mom at about 2:00 p.m. on Friday telling me that my grandpa fell off the combine and died. They actually think it was a massive stroke or heart attack, but since there was no autopsy, we don't really know. He ate lunch, teased my grandma that the biscuits were too hard, laid down for a few minutes (which was very uncommon) and then went back out to the farm with my uncle. My uncle dropped him off at the combine, went to hook up the wagon and then was going right back to help my grandpa into the combine. I guess Grandpa didn't want to wait because when my uncle returned, he was laying on the ground with no pulse and wasn't breathing. He started CPR immediately and the ambulance came. He never regained any signs of life.
Since Kruex passed away in March, Grandpa has been going downhill. He has said many times that he thought it should have been him that died instead. We are thankful that he didn't have a stroke that left him either bed-ridden or hospitalized. He would not have been happy with that at all. We are thankful that he wasn't actually driving the combine when it happened and taken the chance of hurting someone else. And we are very thankful that he also was able to die doing what he loved the most. There are so many things that I will miss so much about my Grandpa. We were so close. But I finally decided last night that the thing I will miss the most is the twinkle in his eye.
They had just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and it is a wonderful weight off of me to know that we were all together with no negative feelings. We had a full weekend of family and it was so nice. It was wonderful to be able to reconnect with a family that we had lost touch with. And I know there is nothing that would make Grandpa happier. I also know without a doubt that my baby is now getting to know my Grandpa. Something that has been so important to me for so long. So, my request to my Grandpa is - Teach Kruex to play ball. Teach him to play cards. And take him for a ride in the tractor.
I love you Grandpa.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I honestly have no idea, but I have to say - I'm not really complaining. Men are looking like candy to me these days and it's got me all flushed. In a good way. The only problem is - soon, I will be one of those dirty old men that just goes to the gym to check the hot bodied co-eds :P Not good, my friends, not good at all.
So, I wanted to do another run today, but I was worried about my shins, and rightly so. I mentioned yesterday that I had not done 2 days in a row of running since last Fall, well I knew that 3 days was probably just asking way too much. So, I went to the gym with a plan. I would commit to a mile on the track and depending on how my legs were feeling either keep going or hit the stationary bike for the remainder of the workout. A mile came and I went. The legs weren't feeling horrible, but my shins weren't overly enthused to keep going. I just figured better safe than sorry and hit the bike. 30ish minutes and 7 miles later, I called it a workout.
I am planning on an off day for tomorrow. At least no gym over lunch since I really need to run some errands instead, but I do need to do some core work and keep saying that I am going to get back to doing yoga on a nightly basis, so you never know!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
But here is my question...the plan calls for two days of cross-training. What counts as cross-training? Anything? I know that biking and swimming do. What about weight training? Does it have to be cardio? Help me out. I feel like Lisa with the questions :P
The other major thing that I have been doing today is planning an office party (I am such a hard worker :P) We decided that we are going to have one of those "How to Host a Murder" parties and I am so excited, I about peed my pants :P We found one that is *lawyer-themed* and perfect! After reading about all of them, it makes me just want to start having parties left and right.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Saturday morning I got a haircut and then the kids and I hung out with my mom for most of the day. Just nice and quiet. Nowhere to be, nothing pressing to do. It was good. Payton and I went to church Sunday morning and then decided to head to the grocery store to have a cookout that night. My friend was getting back from New York and it was her birthday so I figured if they weren't doing anything we would have them over. So, it ended up being a really fun night. Lots of laughing, eating and drinking and the kids all had a ball. I ended up with 4 kids spending the night Sunday night and then took them all swimming yesterday. Nice, easy weekend.
But I was bad and did no running, so today was back to the grind. Ended up doing just over 3 1/2 miles and finished strong, but about halfway through I really wanted to quit. I felt so strong when I started (probably due to the *taper* :P) but then got a horrible side stitch and just couldn't lose it for over a mile. I really just wanted to throw in the towel and just start over tomorrow, but I managed to push through and am really glad that I did. I also know I really need to start getting my miles up there if I am going to really consider a half in January. The plan is to start building some miles and see how I am feeling. I am just not sure if I really have the desire to run long races. Maybe just to do one, but I don't want to get myself where I am constantly looking at running as such a chore. Hopefully it will get to be a little more fun as I get myself into better shape...or at least I can dream, right? :P