It's Raining Men!

This, my friends, is what my best friend Jennifer got to sit directly behind at the US Open last night. She's a twit. It so should have been my seat since I was supposed to go with them. But, then again, I probably would have ended up being escorted off the premises for *accidently* spilling beer on his neck just to get to lick it off :P I don't know what it is, but something about all the dirty, nastiness really gets me going.

The second hot man of the day is actually some poor, poor dude that locked himself out of his car. I felt for him. I really did. I have done it so many times that my used-to-be-best-friend-Jennifer has a couple copies of my car and house keys. One of them she keeps in Peoria (where we work) at all times because I have been known to lock myself out of my car at any number of places, at any number of times. And no, Amy, I checked and they weren't on top of his car either. I did, however, think very hard about offering to help him check his pockets again. He was that cute. And they were big pockets.

So, overall, it has been a good day. Plus, the Powers That Be are even letting us out of work at 3 p.m. today in honor of the long weekend. Now that is very unusual. So, my cubemate Kathy and I are taking full advantage of the extra hours and going for a pedicure and some shopping. Happy Labor Day Weekend All!

You Should Work for Criminals!

Alright, I understand that some people have a hard time giving compliments. And that men are particularly crappy at them. But this is the one I got from my boss the other day. And he meant it. I mean, really meant it. Like heaped it upon me as if he were telling me that my pants made my ass look hot, or that he could tell I have been working on my arms at the gym lately kind of compliments.

I work for lawyers...who some may think are criminals from time to time. But, I promise, mine are all pretty straight-laced, clean cut, by the book guys...except, of course, for one of my bosses. And he is actually one of the reasons that I was able to get out of bed every morning and actually come to work after Kruex died. The dude is freaking hilarious. You never know what is going to come out next and that works for me.

So he is filing a lawsuit for his soon-to-be-sister-in-law and she lives like 5 hours away. We send her the paperwork to sign and she obviously has the attention span of my 8-year-old and only signs 1 of the 2 lines with her name clearly marked. Thanks to my awesome background in Arts & Crafts, I actually was able to make it cleverly look like she signed both lines and we were able to get it filed.*

And he was so impressed by my talents that he told me "You should work for criminals!" I mean, really, what more could I ask for in a job?

*Just a note that I would not have forged documents for any clients that aren't related ;)

Busy Days

It has been a busy weekend. I actually got in a 4-mile run Saturday morning, which is nothing for all of you, but it is the longest I have run since I got back into the habit again. Saturday night the kids and I headed to mom's to finish up some anniversary party stuff that she was supposed to do. It ended up being a very l-o-n-g night (but well worth it) and Sunday morning came way too early. We did 9 a.m. church with the grandparents and I really think this was the most long-winded, boring pastor I have heard since the last time I was in a Catholic church :P In one part of his sermon he commented how he was impressed with Peter and his ability to get "right to the point". I just wished it was something he had taken a bit more to heart :X The anniversary dinner was next and it was really nice. Everyone got along really well and it was nice to be in a room with all of my cousins and not feel bitter or irritated by a few of them.

I then had to leave the party at 1 p.m. (kids stayed with my mom) to go to Chicago and see Brad Paisley! Now, country is not always my thing and I have just started to listen to it again, but this was really a great concert. There were 8 of us girls that went together and another friend and her husband met us up there. We had soooooooo much fun and laughed all night long. It was a much needed trip and break from the kids. We didn't get home until after 1:30 a.m. and, with work yesterday, it made for a tiring day, especially with my short sleep the night before.

But today is another day and the plan is to go for a run tonight. My little brother actually called last night to see if I wanted to run with him. I almost ran my car off the road! He has always maintained that running to run is just stupid and he has no desire to just go out and run! LMAO He decided last night that he wants to be in awesome shape for basketball season (which is right around the corner) and thinks that running may be the way to do it. I may just get him to do the Thanksgiving run with me that Jack and I did last year. I think it would be fun to turn that into an annual *family* run.

Congratulations Betty & George

My grandparents' 60th anniversary party is on Sunday. 60 years. Wow. Sure seems like a long time, don't you think? Also kind of puts into perspective something that has been bothering me quite a bit lately. I only got 9 months. It just seems like the blink of an eye to me. I know it is silly and would/could never happen, but I have had this overwhelming fear of forgetting Kruex lately. Not even just the normal, what he looked like, or felt like, or smelled like, but completely forgetting he was ever here. I would guess it is probably a common fear (or I am seriously losing my mind, which is always a possibility), but it still seems like a dumb thing to be scared of.

So, back to the party. It is really just going to church with them in the morning and then lunch afterwards...pretty much just the immediate family and grandma and grandpa's siblings/spouses. There is some tension with one part of this family. My mom's brother's wife and pretty much all of their kids :P My oldest cousin in that family and his wife actually have a baby that is 8 days older than what Kruex would be. It makes me nervous to see them, to see the baby. But one thing I did decide last night during some *deep* thinking :P is that I really have to forgive these people, my family, so that if, God forbid, something did happen to one of them, Kruex can meet them when they cross without worrying about my anger towards them. I want them to play with my baby. I want the boys to play catch with him and shoot hoops and I want the girls to just hold him and love him. I am sure this sounds crazy and in the grand scheme of things probably really has no bearing anyway, or maybe it is me reverting to that histrionic behavior of making it all about me, but I just feel like if I can let go of my grudges then it surely couldn't hurt anyone else, right?

The verdict seems to be in on the home computer - I think I am pretty much S.O.L. My buddy who knows more than I do (which is not hard in the world of computers) thinks he will be able to get my pics off of it, but probably no way to bring her back to life other than that, which I can live with. I also already have a free replacement from a friend's work. So heck yeah for that!

After much back and forth this morning, we have decided to take the day off today. It will be the first for the week and I like to think I deserve it ;) Gotta get a run in tomorrow though :) Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Wet Paint! errrr...Ink???

Shortly after Kruex died, I decided I wanted a portrait tattoo. And, of course, because I am totally cool, I naturally wanted Kat Von D to do it. I actually even sent her an email and someone did email me back, but then I dealt with this whole black hole, depression thing and just never pursued it again. So, this weekend I was actually talking to some friends/neighbors about tattoing and asked if they knew anyone who did portraits. The name that came up is actually a friend of mine from high school, which was kind of cool. There are two other tattoos that I also want, so I figured even if I wasn't that keen on his portrait work, he could hook me up with the others. Now, to make it even more ironic, my brother sends me a text this morning saying that he has figured out what he wants on his next tattoo (he has quite a few already) and has decided to go to this same guy! So, after talking to him on the phone about it, we decide that I will call and set something up so we can both go in and talk to him about what we want. While I haven't decided yet if I will have him do my portrait or hold out for Kat :P, it sure is ironic how the world works, don't you think?

All this lead me to start thinking about how certain people are brought into our lives to serve specific purposes. I may have already posted about it before, but while in the hospital, it was clear afterwards that the doctors that were available at the various times were definitely put into my path to help make it a bit easier. Be it through compassion, directness (is that a word??), knowledge or whatever particular character trait they happened to possess, it always seemed to be the exact thing I needed at that exact moment. The way people and ideas seem to have been coming into my life lately (or maybe it just seems like lately since I have finally started paying attention) makes it feel like some well-scripted play or movie. It is also the reason that I have shifted my belief from the statement "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" to "God helps us handle what we are given". I believe the spirits we are put in connection with along our way - and especially during particularly trying times - are God's way of carrying us through our challenges. Kind of deep for someone who recently just *re-discovered* her faith, eh?

I am heading to the gym in a few. The plan is to run, but my shins have been kind of sore, so if after 20 minutes or so they aren't feeling too hot, the backup plan is to finish the workout on the elliptical or bike...whichever strikes my fancy ;)

Keep Breathing

Today was the first day back to school for my 8 year old. 3rd grade. God, I remember being IN 3rd grade. I loved 3rd grade. Mrs. Cox has always been my favorite teacher. Jack was supposed to have Mrs. Grebner, but just found out last week that they added another class and he was put in with the new teacher. He called today when he got done with school and told me that Mrs. Johns is even better than Mrs. Grebner because under their name tags, she put a cheat sheet! LOL I can't even wait to see what 3rd graders think is cheating ;) After I talked to Jack, Payton had to get on the phone. It's always interesting to talk to her:

P: What are you doing?
M: Going to run.
P: WHAT? (In her best high-pitched, self-righteous voice)
M: I am going to run.
P: When are you coming to get us?
M: After work.
P: WHAT?
M: I am going to the gym to run instead of going to lunch, then I will go back to work and pick you up when I am done.
P: Oh. Okay. Gotta go. Love ya, bye.

She must have thought I was going to the track and really, how dare I think about going there before picking her up? Once she found out I was still in Peoria, I had her approval :P

I really need to figure out this breathing crap. You would think being 30 and all that it would kind of be second nature by now :P So any suggestions would be great...maybe I should get back into my yoga routine. I suppose that couldn't hurt.

Having said that, today's run was the best that I have had for quite some time. I am soooooo not an impressive runner, but 3.5 miles in roughly 35 minutes and I'll take that. I had a 1/4 mile walk break around mile 2.5 and it was definitely better than most of my runs in the past 4 - 6 weeks. I really can't wait until the weather starts to chill out a little bit and I can run outside again. The 1/8 mile track at the gym is great and keeps me off the dreadmill, but there is no comparison to running outside. Robyn mentioned yesterday about running in the rain...I would be all for it, but it probably wouldn't be nice to make the kids sit out in the rain as I run around the track. They would actually most likely enjoy it, but with Payton's nasty cough lately - I would probably fall out of contention for mother of the year :P Speaking of winning awards...there was a definite runner-up at the gym yesterday. This woman had not 1, not 2, but 4!!!!!!!!!! kids with her in the weight/treadmill area. One of which was in a snuggli strapped onto her while she was lifting weights! ??? I mean, seriously, who does that? The other 3 all looked to be between 1 - 3 years and were all over the place. They tried to get on a treadmill with an older woman...were about 2 inches away from the elliptical that their mother was on...and just generally under everyone's feet. Oh, and did I mention the crying? Yeah, that was a fun day at the gym.

Too Little Too Late?

Aw, the wonders of technology :P I don't know what the heck I did, but my home computer is minus an operating system right now. I have a friend who gave me a recovery disk, but after it does its little scan there is a prompt and for the life of me, I can't figure out what I am supposed to tell it to do. So, until I can either figure it out or talk to someone about it, I have no home internet...and I gotta tell you...it's been hard :P

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update on the guy from the gym...

I did end up talking to him on Friday. He was all about trying to get together on Saturday, so I told him I would see what I could do and let him know. I found a sitter and suggested hitting the batting cages (to his voicemail). No call back until SUNDAY afternoon!!! I let that one go to voicemail and am pretty sure I won't be calling him back anytime soon.

It may be bitchy, but I feel like I really went back and forth about even talking to him in the first place, then I did it, put myself out there and then get this lame-ass message about why he couldn't call back until 2 days later. So, in my opinion, that ship has sailed and it is his loss. Is that wrong?

I'm getting ready to head to the gym in a few. I think we are working upper body today, which is my favorite...maybe if the rain ever stops I will get an evening run in, too.

Just How Much Crazy Does He Deserve?

So, Gym Guy called on Monday night. I was busy (and cough*screening*cough), so I didn't answer. I let it go to voicemail in which he left a very nice, non-obtrusive message. It ended up being a busy night and I didn't even sit down until around 11 p.m. So, at that point, I didn't want to call back since it was late, but I also didn't want him to think that I was just avoiding, so I sent a very nice, non-obtrusive text message back :P He must have received it because I had another missed call on my phone from him on Tuesday morning (took the kids to Bear's training camp and just didn't hear the phone ring).

In the meantime, I had another counseling appointment. This one was to go over the personality test I took last month. Apparently, I have a histrionic personality. Now for those of you who don't know what histrionic means, fret not. I had no clue either. But the best way to describe it is as a "drama queen". I know, I know...you are all thinking "No way! Not Lori!" Baffling...I agree. (Actually - just between you and me it was actually kind of validating to find out that my moments of insanity are actually because that is how I am and not because I have a chemical imbalance :P)

In talking to my counselor, I was able to realize that this part of my personality is actually only really prevalent with close family and in my relationships...you know that picking-fights-just-to-not-be-bored kind of mindset. I have been working on this even prior to hearing the results of the test, but they just provided further proof that it is something that REALLY needs work and like, sooner, not later.

So, this is what has stopped me in the last day and a half from calling this guy back. Don't worry...my hopes are not high that it will be anymore than a few phone calls, but just in case...doesn't he deserve to not have to be the guinea pig in this stroll through my insanity? Ugh...maybe I am just thinking about it too much, or making stupid excuses to just get out of calling him back because I am a chicken shit.

Home Gyms vs. Public Gyms

Alright, since I rarely do any exercise-based blogging (which is kind of strange since I spend a decent amount of time actually working out), I figured I would give you all one today :P

I belong to a gym...it's about 1/2 mile from work, which is super convenient, but that also means that it is about 20 miles from home, so not so much on weekends or days off of work. I LOVE it. It has kick-butt machines and just about every kind of weight training device I could think of. There is also a lot of cool classes (that I am still too chicken to try - but I am really into the whole option of them :P) and a killer pool with lessons even geared towards triathletes.

At home, I have next to nothing, but I could do a little work in a pinch. I have an exercise ball, yoga videos, a few free weights, a jump rope, but the best part of home is that I live across the street from the high school track, so there is always an option for a run since the kids can just hang out at the track while I am running.

Now, I will never have a home gym like Marcy ;) but I would really like to at least get an elliptical to give me another cardio option at home. Especially in the winter months when I won't be able to force the kids to sit in the snow just to watch me run :P

How about the rest of you? Do you prefer the Home or Public gym? And what kinds of fun stuff do you have at home? And finally, what else would you REALLY like to have (within reason)?

Stood Up and Asked Out

Today was busy. I had a *date* with my cellmate, Kathy, for BodyPump at the gym at 9:00 a.m. At 7:30 a.m. she called to say she wouldn't be there. I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to trying BodyPump. For a normal person, this wouldn't have really been that big of a deal because they would have just gone ahead and done it anyway. I, apparently, am not a normal person :P I don't usually think of myself as a shy person, but when it comes to trying something new, I would rather try it with a friend. Um...not so much *rather*, as it is kind of something I *need*. So, since I was already up and dressed in my finest gym attire, I figured I may as well just go and do weights instead. So, since it had already been figured in as a part of my day, I loaded up the kids and off we went to the gym.

I dropped them off at the daycare, do my mile warm-up and then started with some arm work off to the side with the ball. I moved to a couple of the machines in the area with the treadmills and ellipticals and then moved on into the free weight area. I was probably 3/4 of the way done with my workout and was on the machine that is supposed to make your back look like a "V" (even though I have come to the realization that if I ever want to be "V" instead of "I I" I am probably going to have to do a lot more ab work :P) when I noticed a guy who was doing the leg press. This was a big guy and when he started, he had maybe 300 or so pounds on it. Needless to say, I was pretty impressed by that. By the time he was done, he had over 500 pounds that he was doing. What can I say...I'm easy to impress :P In the meantime, I had moved to a leg machine and there I was, minding my own business, when he starts talking. You know...it started with the lame old "Have you been working out here for long? I don't think I have seen you before." and ended with him asking me for my number :O I did give it to him, probably for the same reason that I am too chicken to try BodyPump by myself for the first time, I am also too chicken to say no, plus I figure it is easier to dodge a phone call that I don't want than it is to reject him to his face.

So, all this (other than just being way good for my ego) got me thinking. I am actually a HUGE believer in fate. People always say "everything happens for a reason" when things are not going well, but I actually do believe it. Especially since losing Kruex. I honestly do think that there is a reason for everything...experiences/choices/people are placed in our paths for genuine reasons. Nothing is chance. Everything is a part of a life lesson. So, maybe Kathy standing me up was meant to happen...and maybe this guy will hold another lesson that I am meant to learn. In the same token, I am not saying that *fate* brought us together. Heck, who knows if he will even call...or if I will answer ;)

Perspective

Today, a fellow blogger wrote about a connecting moment that she had with one of my previous posts. It was a post about irony and how hard it is to realize what we have, or how easy our lives are, until they just aren't anymore. While, I haven't forgotten.....Lord, how could I possibly? She kind of helped to nail it into my head again.

It actually made me realize how much I have actually been thinking about perspective lately. This weekend was the annual Memphis to Peoria St. Jude Run, along with telethon. My friend, I and all our kids went down to the Civic Center to cheer all the runners in. While we were driving the 20 miles to Peoria we were talking about some of the stories of the kids who St. Jude helps. She was telling me the story of a little girl (I think she was around a year) who had a brain tumor and the struggles that her parents went through. She commented to me that she couldn't imagine having to live with those problems. My response was that I wish I could have had that choice. Now, I want to clarify, in no means do I think life would be good or easy to have a child who is that desperately ill. I think it would be stressful and spirit-breaking every step of the way, but you know what? I would have another minute, or hour, or day, or week with my baby. To get to hold him in my arms...I would take absolutely anything I could get.

Toward the end of our week in the PICU, after the 7th surgery, I was told that should Kruex respond, he would have no small bowel at all. The only chance he would have would be a transplant and those types of transplants were neither common, nor all too successful. I looked hard at what the rest of my life would look like and it was absolutely fine with me. I was staring down the barrell of a gun and to have to take the shot in the side of my face instead of my forehead was just fine with me.

Right then and there, in my car on my way to Peoria with my best friend, I realized just how much my perspective has changed over the past 4 months. Believe me, my older two still frustrate me to no end. I still wish they could just stop fighting, stop arguing, stop with the dirty looks and I yell and scream and pull my hair out...but I DO remember to thank God every day that I still have them here to yell at. And I also try to remember to thank Him for every day that I get to be here, too.

With all that said, I heard a song today that really struck a chord. I am a *sometimes* country music fan and my new cubemate listens to it, so I have found myself more drawn to it lately than I have been for quite a while. There is a new Carrie Underwood song out and while the entire song is applicable, this part really drove it home for me:

So easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
And swallows you whole
While you sittin round thinking about what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
Better make it count, cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

So, maybe it is because of Krista's post, or David's recent accident...but I guess the message for the night is to just appreciate. Appreciate what you DO have because it really can be taken away at any moment. I am certain that at the end of our lives we will not be judged on how much we were able to accomplish in this lifetime, but by how kind and loving we were along the way.

Get Her Out of My Head!

It has been miserably hot here lately. Like open the door and feel like you are stepping into soup, hot. Just gross. But the workouts have continued, even though the blogging took a mini-break. Just haven't had the energy to type lately.

My 3-year-old and I both had dreams about Kruex Sunday night. She came in to my room Monday morning and said:

Her - I snuggled with Kruex-y last night.
Me - Oh, that's so nice.
Her - I told him to snuggle you, too.
Me - You did?! Thank you for telling him that!
Her - Yeah, and I was helping him walk, too.
Me - *jaw on the floor*

That was MY dream! I had a dream that I was holding his hands and helping him walk around the room. I swear one of those two kids are totally in my head and as much as I believe in being able to use dreams as a way to the astral plane, I am more worried that it is actually Payton who is so tuned in to me. It is kind of eerie how well she reads me (and also knows how to push my buttons :P)

Yesterday was upper body at the gym and today I am planning a lunchtime run with maybe a bit of core work after. Hope everyone has a good day :)

To All My *Safe* Listeners

This morning I had another counseling session. I haven't been for three weeks, and probably could have used it more last week than this week. We were supposed to go over the results of my personality test that she had me take, but we both forgot and by the time we remembered, it was too late to get into it. So, in two weeks, that is first on the agenda, that is...unless I have something more pressing to deal with first...let's hope it's just a good two weeks. It's always surprising to me how helpful she is...must be because her name is Lori, too ;) No, really though, she is just a good listener and I know that she is also a *safe* listener, which counts tremendously these days. I have never been overly concerned with editing my comments, especially in the last few years and more specifically in the last few months. In my whole cleaning my closet crusade, I have more or less decided that if I couldn't deal with the repercussions of the words that come out of my mouth, then I shouldn't be saying them in the first place. Kind of that whole...if you have nothing nice to say...mantra. So, when I say she is *safe* what I am really referring to is my own shortcomings with showing my vulnerabilities. It is hard for me to look or appear *weak*, even though I know in my head there is nothing *weak* about mourning the loss of your child. It is normal and natural, but wearing my heart on my sleeve is still a hard pill for me to swallow. So much easier out here in blogland. For that, I thank you all for being counted as my *safe* listeners. Bet you didn't know that you are saving my sanity one day at a time :)

I did get a run in tonight. It was hot, humid and the bugs were thick and I was desperately afraid that I was going to choke on a few :P but the run was not horrible, which is good enough for me. The runs are moving ever so slowly in the right direction and I will just pretend that by the time the weather actually doesn't suck, I will be able to run like Marcy ;)

Oh, I almost forgot...my mom decided to keep the kids for another night (which is a HUGE shock in itself), so on my way home from work, I stopped by the LBS to just start doing some window shopping and recon work. They are soooooooo pretty and I am definitely star struck. I guess it gives me something to start a new envelope for! LOL