Monday, April 14, 2008


I think it's pretty fair to say that the last few weeks have been challenging.  There have definitely been ups and downs that I have experienced and for some reason, it seems to rear its ugly head by my pulling away in certain areas of my life.  Unfortunately, lately that has been here in blogland.  And I really don't want to do that, you all are so very helpful and encouraging to me on a daily basis.  So my promise to myself is to be a better poster.  Plus, I still owe you all a pic of the tattoo.  It is gorgeous.  I love it.  I couldn't have imagined it coming out better.  It is on my left shoulder blade and I am so, so happy with the location.  Thank you all for your suggestions, too.  I think I ended up deciding putting it on my back because of the whole "sag" issue :P  

So, today I stumbled upon a blog that pretty much brought me to my knees.  I am completely overwhelmed by this family's story and have such respect and admiration for the strength and grace this woman has.  I definitely encourage you all to pay a visit to the site when you have a little time and can read the entire story.  The amount of belief and love she is able to give through such tragic circumstances is truly amazing.

I have shared a bit in the past, but I definitely believe that Kruex's life had meaning, but I very much share in the faith that his death was my gift to be given to God.  However, I'm not sure I have shared the fact that prior to Kruex's death, I really had never felt any kind of connection to God or to faith of any kind.  I was raised Catholic and just never really felt like there was any "fit" between the teachings and what I had always kind of intuitively believed.  Shortly after I lost Kruex, I seemed to "find" my faith.  I never felt that Kruex was taken from me out of spite or hate, but I did often wonder why I was chosen to carry this burden.  I believe it is because I can.  Because I do have it in me to honor him in the way he deserves.  There is never a day that goes by that I am not praying to be with him again, but I accept that it will happen according to His plan.  Plus, I honestly believe he is in the best possible place.  

So, read about that amazing woman and please pray for strength for the family.  I can only know from my own experience a year ago how she is suffering right now, but I can never dare put myself into her shoes.  Her loss was so completely different from my own.  I do know that in this time, through all the events of the last 4 months, she has counted on her faith more than she has ever had to in her life, and I figure our prayers could only help.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Ink Me Up, Baby

Today's workout was another killer.  7 different exercises; squats, chest presses, pull-ups, sit-ups, planks, lunges and finally rowing.  Each one a total of 4 minutes - working 20 seconds and resting 10.  Sounds like cake, right?  Yeah, that's what I thought, too.  My arms, especially, are toast.  Tomorrow I may try to get in a run after work, but over lunch I'm shopping kids.  Time to get the kids' Easter goodies all figured out!   Plus, it's just been a really long time since I have been shopping and I'm itching!

So it seems like I may be able to get my tattoo in time for Kruex's death anniversary after all!  I'm really excited for this and think it will help me through the day so much better.  Over the last year and through the big dates that have come and gone, I have found that I am much better with a plan, and especially treating these times as celebrations instead of days of mourning.  So, last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I decided we are having a party on the 29th.  Not sure how the weather will be, but grilling out would be awesome, but nonetheless, my friends and family are definitely necessary to celebrate the day.  

I have also been thinking of getting a couple of tattoos since he passed, but so far haven't had any luck getting ahold of the guy I wanted to do them.  The first I want to get done is just his footprints and name.  Pretty simple, but very important to me.  I have been pretty set that this tattoo would be on the back of my neck since I decided on it, but now tonight as soon as I hung up with my brother (who found a new guy that he wants to go to), I can't decided between the back of my neck, or over my heart.  

So, the question of the night...where would you get it?  I like the idea on the back of my neck, but I hate the fact that I won't be able to easily see it.  I also love the idea of having it on my chest (this is not a tattoo that I have any intention of keeping hidden - so it wouldn't be on my boob, but actually more over my heart), but worry about just in case I do end up having another baby, could it/would it stretch?  I would hate to have it change at all.  Let me have it.  I want to hear it all!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


You are all seriously too kind.  I'm so touched that I am able to give a little inspiration through my struggles.  That wasn't my intention in posting what I did, but if that is what I have been able to learn and, therefore, pass on, then hopefully it is part of what my evolution process is meant to be in this situation.  Since entering the hospital with Kruex, I have begun to recognize that people are put in our paths for very specific reasons.  Whether for us to help them, or for them to help us, I don't believe there are accidents.  While I am doing my damndest to become a better person, I will be the first to admit that there is a lot of ups and downs.  I am not always as strong as I pretend to be, but sometimes the pretending to be is what helps get me through another day.

Workouts are going well.  Actually, really well.  I love the tri-weekly ass-beatings I have been getting.  I feel so much stronger.  And it feels amazing.  

The strange thing is that I was lazy over the weekend.  I took three days off in a row (which lately is nearly sacreligious) but it would have been so easy to take another off today.  I didn't want to work out and there was a chance that Trainer Boy was going to be gone again today.  When he called this morning to say the workout was on, I was not happy.  After going and finishing another killer workout, I can't help but wonder why it is so easy for me to get lazy like that?  I LOVE it!  I love the way I feel after.  I mostly love the way I feel during.  I even love the attention we have been getting at the gym.  Seriously, there are very few people, especially some of the regular guys, that don't comment and give us some kind of encouragement every time they pass by us as we are working out.  Why would I want to voluntarily stop?  Why is it so easy to just be and not keep pushing harder?  

I have read a few of your blogs (or actually talked to you personally) about getting crabby when training is too heavy.  I know that I am just the opposite.  When I am getting my ass kicked on a regular basis, I am so much easier to be around.  I feel like I have more clarity and I just don't have the energy to fight the stupid shit I normally would.  I KNOW all this about myself, and still, I have no doubt that I would choose to lay on the couch and not move.  I would choose to stay home from work to wallow in grief and sadness.  I KNOW what helps me, and between working out and being around friends, that's really the best medicine.

So, I guess my question for the rest of you is:  If we KNOW what to do, why do we so often CHOOSE not to do it?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Time has been flying lately.  It has been such a busy week.  Work, home, everywhere.  The workouts have been kicking butt.  I was even lucky enough to get an outside run in last night with the time change and the slight increase in temperature.  The kids and dog got to go run, too, and had a great time.  I think it was definitely healthy for us all to get out and get some fresh air.  And I, for one, am definitely thankful for daylight savings time, even if it means losing an hour of sleep.

It's been a time of a lot of reflection, also.  Some of you already know that it's getting very close to the one year anniversary of Kruex's death.  It's very hard to imagine that one year ago at this very moment I was sitting in my living room, rocking my baby to sleep.  I can even smell him after his bath, with his clean hair lying in my lap.  I'm sure you can all imagine how horribly I miss him.  How I would give anything for one more day, hour, even minute of rocking him and nursing him to sleep.  

But something I never could have imagined was how I would feel one year later.  I had an appointment with my therapist (shrink :P) this morning and, as she will do from time to time, she asked me to rate how I'm feeling on a scale of 1 - 10.  Surprisingly (and frighteningly considering how close I am to this anniversary), I answered that I was probably somewhere between a 7 and an 8.  I don't, and never have, felt like Kruex was taken from me as a punishment.  I honestly don't believe that God is cruel in that way.  I think He has a much better sense of humor than that and would prefer to make it more interesting than just completely breaking people in one fell swoop.  If I had to guess, I would say that, if anything, my relationship with Payton and Kruex's father was probably the pay-back for past regressions, not Kruex's death.  

I know that I have talked to some of you about this, but I believe our lives are a series of lessons.  Lessons we have to learn before we are allowed to move on.  I also fully believe that we keep repeating the same lessons over and over in subsequent lives until we finally grasp the meaning of what we have been through, a higher knowledge if you will.  And it is my full intention that if Kruex's death was meant to be a lesson for me in this life, I fully intend to learn it and will not risk going through this again.  Because honestly, I don't think I could survive the loss a second time.  And there is nothing for my other kids to gain by watching me fall apart.

Kruex's loss has changed my view of death, but it has also changed view of life.  And I think that is the most important part of this lesson.  I have a lot more compassion for people now than I ever could have before.  Not the ones who obviously deserve it, but the bitter, angry, even hateful people.  From the bottom of my soul, I am just really sorry that they can't understand the lessons that life is handing them and learn from them.  It pains me to watch people let their lives slip away because they feel they are "owed" something.  We are owed nothing in this life.  Everything that we want, or get has to be earned.  It is also my belief that nothing worth having is anything that money can buy.  I would prefer to have children that are healthy and happy.   Ones who had a childhood filled with memories, as opposed to filled with things.  It was certainly my dream and desire to have three children with those memories, but apparently that isn't what God had planned for me/us and that is something I have to learn to live with.

There is much more peace to be gained from seeing the metaphoric silver lining than there is to focusing on the thunder cloud.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I'll Take New Biceps, Please

Well, I told the truth.  I told him that I tried to do it on Sunday, but it was just BAD!  LOL  He was fine with it, but I can't tell if the last two days' workouts were hell on wheels because of that or because of the fact that he had to give up sleep Tuesday morning just to come for our training session :X

Yesterday's workout was insane.  Pull-ups, dips, lunges with weights, squats with a barbell and sit-ups.  Today's was out-and-out crazy though.  Our arms were wasted after yesterday and today he had us do 5 jumping pull-ups, 10 MAN push-ups! and 15 squats.  As he called it, simple, but not easy :P  We had to do it as many times as we could in 20 minutes.  We got 10 sets in and were just about to die!  

I've gotta say though...we are definitely getting our money's worth.  But it feels like we are really getting spoiled, too.  Trainer-Boy is heading to Chicago the first of May.  We have already set up workouts until he leaves, but once he does I don't think we will be able to find another trainer as intense as he has been.  I suppose we can just keep redoing his workouts and try to keep up the intensity alone.  

Hope everyone is having a great week.  The rest of mine is looking like it is set up well and I'm excited!  Hope nobody goes and changes my plans again this week ;)

Monday, March 3, 2008

You Win Some and You Lose Some

Thanks for all your wonderful comments on my last post!  I am obviously not overly concerned about Trainer-Boy being angry with me considering I didn't finish my homework like I was supposed to :P

Row 4000 meters - check
Run a timed 5k - nope

In my defense, I do have to add that on top of the rowing Friday, we threw in 60 push-ups, 45 sit-ups on the incline bench and 40 knee raise things.  Then on Saturday I had a kick-ass Body Attack class and threw a couple of miles around the track on afterwards.  I really tried to get that 5k yesterday afternoon, as the weather was GORGEOUS, but it just felt awful and I threw in the towel after 2.5 craptastic miles around the track at the school.  Could I have finished the 5k?  Sure.  Would I have turned in my time?  Absolutely, positively NOT!  LOL  It was that bad :X  I also had every plan to go run it today over my lunch hour, but ended up talking myself/getting talked out of it.  I haven't had a day off since last Tuesday and if I ran today, my next option for a rest day would have been Thursday.  That, combined with the fact that I want to also do Body Attack tomorrow night, after training with Rich over lunch, ended up making my decision for me.  I'm a selfish biatch...I would rather have the 600 cals burned from doing Body Attack compared to the 300ish cals that 5k would have given me :P

So, here is my next I just tell Rich I didn't do it, or just give him a number that I know I'm capable of?  It's not like we hired him to get us to be faster runners (although I am hopeful that will be a side effect of all this training), so really do I care that much?  Oh, and I do fully intend to run that 5k on Thursday, instead of taking it as a rest day.

Let me know what you think!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pity Party Anyone?

Seriously, what is my damn problem?  Whatever, I know what my problem is, but the question is - When will I start figuring it out sooner so I can stop throwing these stupid temper tantrums and getting attitude with people who really don't deserve it?

I owe Rich, the trainer, an apology and I feel awful about it.

As I've said, we train with him on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but this weekend he is going skiing in Utah, so we moved the Friday to Thursday (today) and Monday's will be pushed to Tuesday.  No big deal.  I was actually really excited because I was looking forward to getting in a nice easy run tomorrow, just stretch out my legs, feel good, you know the kind.  And then Saturday * the plan was a Back-to-Abs class followed by Body Attack.  Hopefully, a longer run on Sunday*, since the weather is supposed to be high 40s/low 50s, and then decide what I feel like doing on Monday.  I was really excited about it and just felt good and happy.

Then today's workout happened.  It started with him telling us that we would be running today.  This did not make me happy.  I really want nice, relaxed legs for tomorrow's run.  I wanted it to feel good and I know after a workout that involves running, they are going to feel like ass and I am not going to have that relaxing run that I was looking forward to.  For some reason, that pissed me off.  More than a little bit.  I was actually surprised at how angry I was by it, but by the end of the workout, I felt that I had gotten myself back under control and had done pretty well stepping away from crazy :P

Then.  He tells us he has homework for us.  He wants us to run a timed 5k** and also do a timed 4000 meters on the rower.  I actually signed my paper and walked away, down to the lockerroom to change.  I was ready to spit nails!  And I wholeheartedly agree that this is COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY for me to be acting this way.  The entire time I was changing back into my work clothes, I was trying to figure out what the hell my problem was and why I was behaving like my 4 year old.  I think I finally did get it.  I fell out of control.  With everything lately.  I am 1 month away from the 1 year anniversary of Kruex's death and it's starting.  I had a great plan all set up and ready and in my warped brain, he took that away from me.  And it made me so angry.

I do normally try to roll with the punches and am usually moderately successful, but today was just not one of those days.  And it's not fair that my anger had to be directed at Trainer-Boy***.  It's not his fault and he doesn't know any better.

*weekends are always up in the air because of the kids.  I can only get long runs in if I can find a place for them to go and the gym is even harder on weekends when Jack goes to his dad's because Payton won't go to the gym alone (and I wouldn't either :X)

**if I decide to stop being a big whiny baby, I could actually be looking at this as a great opportunity to get a SY5K time in for Vanilla

***maybe I should get him something that says "Sorry.  I swear I'm not a total bitch." :P  What do you get for a trainer?  A tiger tail...can of protein powder?  :P