That Call

This morning I got the call that I have been wanting and dreading for the past 3 1/2 months or so.

It came from the attorney that is having Kruex's case reviewed.

It was the call that confirmed that my son died 7 months ago tomorrow for no good reason.

I honestly thought I was ready for it. I really did. I knew that it was true. I knew the ER doc missed everything that was in front of him. But I suppose there was always some sort of hope in the back of my mind that I was wrong. That I really didn't know and that they really did do everything they could have done to save my baby. I don't want it to seem like I am ungrateful for what the doctors, surgeons and nurses in the Peds ICU did, because they saved his life everyday for 7 days. It was the ER doctor who did nothing for 8 hours. The one that assumed my child had the flu and that I was a mother overreacting. I haven't talked much about what happened here yet and I will try to give some of the story.

When I was 32 weeks pregnant, my water broke. I was put in the hospital and I ended up going 10 days on complete bed rest before my labor actually started. Kruex was born on June 15, 2006. He was just shy of 6 pounds, which was pretty good for not even being at 34 weeks gestation. He was taken to the Level II nursery (not nicu, but not the regular one either). He never needed oxygen and his lungs were fully developed. He had the typical preemie roller coaster and actually developed Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC). NEC is an infection that attacks the intestines. At its worse, it can cause death of part of the bowels, which would require removal. His was caught before it got to this stage. This was definitely our biggest challenge and the problem that kept him in the hospital for 4 weeks following his birth. Prior to his discharge, I specifically asked the neonatologist if there could be any further complications from the NEC. He said no. I asked more directly if I needed to pay attention when he started on solid foods. He said no. I asked, again, in comparing Kruex and my other two kids, who has a better chance of having a problem. And HE TOLD ME THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE IN RISK FACTOR.

So, on 7-13-06 Kruex came home. And everything was wonderful. He was an amazingly easy-going baby. No unnecessary crying. He even slept through the night pretty normally from about 4 months on (something his big sister still has issues doing :P) I have never been one to start solids early. I breastfeed the kids for a year, and until they get some teeth or are able to eat with the rest of the family, I really don't worry about cereal, baby food and all that jazz. So, Kruex had had his occasional treat through the mesh feeder, some baby food fruit here and there just so he felt like he was part of dinner, but never anything with any normalcy. I took him to my pediatrician for his 9 month checkup on a Friday. He was hungry and I hadn't nursed him for 3 or 4 hours when they did the weight check. His weight was a bit low. He was definitely on the smaller side, always had been since he was born. But, then again, Payton was always smaller, too, so I really never worried. My pediatrician said I needed to start feeding him cereal twice a day. And I could add veggies/fruits for another meal if I wanted to. That was on Friday.

The next Wednesday, both Kruex and Payton woke up with fevers. I called my mom to come keep them while I worked and Kruex would not eat or drink anything. Payton felt pretty good. Kruex was lethargic when I came home from work. He laid on me all night long and really didn't want to eat, but I kept trying to get him to nurse. Finally, before he went to bed he ate. And then again during the middle of the night. After that feeding, he vomited all over me. I decided to stay home with him on Thursday and by 10 a.m. I called the doctor. He had vomited twice and I couldn't keep anything in him. I was very concerned that he would dehydrate. The doctor's office couldn't get him in until 3 p.m. and since he was so small, I didn't think he should wait that long, so they suggested I just take him to the emergency room. Mom came to keep Payton and Kruex and I went to the hospital. We were admitted by noon and I honestly can't remember if I even actually saw the doctor on duty. I was convinced that it was a flu since Payton had the same fever the day before and was mainly concerned that he was dehydrated.

He didn't have the flu. He wasn't dehydrated.

He had an intestinal blockage and he was going into shock.

Probably the most important part of the story is that he was born in this same hospital. They had every one of his medical records at their fingertips. I gave them a good verbal history...to at least 5 different people while we were there. I said the word "NEC" at least 20 times. They should have at least ruled it out. And they didn't. They should have moved him to a room with more monitoring from the ER. He was put in peds general and by 6 a.m. hands/feet/groin area was completely black and blue from it shutting down on him. He went through 7 surgeries in 5 days and fought through everyone because I asked him to. I honestly believe that he finally died because I told him he could. I told him that I would be okay and that he didn't have to keep going for me.

I have never doubted the amount of love I had for that kid, but I honestly didn't think that I wasn't ready for the phone call I got today. I suppose that was a stupid thing to think. How could I have ever been ready for it?