Pretending

This has just been a tough week. Period. Sunday is *6 months* and while I knew it would be hard, I had no idea just how hard it was going to be. The last 3 days have not been great and I doubt the next two (at least) will be much better. So, pretty much, this is an "I'm sorry my blogging sucks" post.

I don't know if any of you watched Ugly Betty last night, but the ending just broke my heart. Betty's sister's fiance was shot at the end of last season and during the whole episode it showed Hilda and Santo in her bedroom, basically her keeping him in bed under lock and key to keep him safe after being shot. Everything was white and light in the room, they talked about their upcoming marriage, she showed him her dress, he showed her his vows. It was all very touching and the whole point was that she was keeping them both "safe" so nothing bad happened again. In the final scene, Betty knocked on the door and entered the room to ask if Hilda wanted to come help make dinner. Hilda was alone in a dark room in bed and told Betty that "he isn't coming back" and admitted that was the first time she has said as much out loud.

From the previous few days that I have had, that was all I needed. The flood gates opened and it just made me realize what I would give to be able to just "pretend" it all away. I wish I could just lock myself in my room, hide under the covers and spend everyday with my baby. But I can't. And I do know that. And I will feel better again. Just maybe not today. And maybe not tomorrow. But it will be soon. Because whether I want to or not, I have to.

Preoccupied

I think I am in a blogging funk. Ever had one? Ugh, I sure seem to be. I got a whole lot of nothing. I did run last night. It was okay. Hot and humid. But done.

I actually think part of my lack of blogging fodder is that my days and nights have been consumed with my boys in blue. If there are any other Cubs fans out there, you know as well as I that there just have not been that many reasons for celebration in the last few, or 99 years :P Actually, that's not true. 2003 was a good one. And before that, there were some really fun times in the mid-80's that I remember with great fondness. I believe I was around 8 years old. My mom and neighbor dressed all the scarecrows in the yard (in her defense it was October, but still...scarecrows????) in Cubs paraphernalia, hung banners, had us kids make banners and posters and just overall Cub-ed out our house/yard. It was a lot of fun and was probably when I really got into sports, especially baseball. I've been hooked ever since.

Normally, the Cubs are just good for taking up about 6 months of viewing time on my television, with the occasional water cooler discussion about how much they suck and why, or why can't we get some decent pitching help in there and then once football season rolls around, I welcome it with open arms. But this year, my dear, dear Cubbies are actually looking pretty darn great and may actually get a post-season series or two out of it after all. So, October, here we come and with the unfortunate spectacle that is this I know that I am thankful to have something to stop the pain for a while more.

Yeah, Grossman, we're just as disgusted.

Sorry, but I've gotta do something to make my eyes stop bleeding.

That'll do it. Now if we can just get him to sack his own quarterback.

Workouts and Breakdowns

It should really be Friday. Why isn't it Friday already?

Honestly, this week has just been exhausting so far. Between workouts and breakdowns, rashes and runs, then throw in the mandatory cooking and cleaning and this lady needs a break! Unfortunately, it just doesn't look like one is coming anytime soon. Over lunch, we did upper body and I have already promised my neighbor/friend that I would run with her tonight, so we'll add another 3 or so miles to this tired body. Tomorrow I may just take the day off. My problem, however, is I am easily talked into going to the gym over lunch. All Kathy has to do is look at me and say "you goin'?" and I'm hooked. Easy, I tell ya, too easy. Tomorrow night there is a football game. Saturday morning another football game (JFL this time) and then an auction to go to.

I have never mentioned this before, but I heart auctions. Like truly, madly, deeply. I am probably more dangerous at an auction than I am at a casino. And I have to tell you, that one time I went into a casino - no good came out of it :( So, I am totally stoked to see what kind of awesome treasures these people had hidden in their attic, shoved in a corner of the basement or just thrown in a junk drawer that I feel I can't live without! Oh, then if there wasn't a run on Friday, there will be one on Saturday at some point, too. I have also been invited to go to Oktoberfest Saturday night, which should be fun, but there is one person that I am not overly looking forward to having to spend the evening with. But she is only one out of a big group that is going and I really shouldn't let it stop me, especially when the babysitting is already set up.

Oh, and then I really would like to spend Sunday doing some cooking since I ran across this awesome blog and really want to try the lasagna and a few of the other recipes for meals next week. Plus, I think it would be a good activity to do with the kids if they feel like helping.

On another note, I signed Jack up for a grief camp two weeks from Saturday called Camp Courageous. It is a full day at a camp where they will have support groups, crafts, sports and horseback riding. I think I need a camp like that. I would do so much better in that kind of setting than just sitting around in a circle crying. Oh, who am I kidding? I just want to go horseback riding :P

My Daughter

She's 3. And she is already so many things. She is 50% theatre and 50% nurturing. My dream for her is that she will find a stage and make it her own and then settle down and have 12 kids. I truly think she will need both of those things to be complete in life. Her imagination and antics are limitless, as is her compassion and nurturing capabilities. Most days she stresses me to no end. The little darling, I just want to throttle her.

But then, there are nights like tonight. Nights when she sobs for her little brother like nobody's business. You have to understand, even at 3, she loves the babies at the sitter's more than life itself. And her brother was HER baby. Her sole mission in life was to take care of him. To make him laugh and to keep him happy when it was asked of her, and believe me, as a single mom of three, unfortunately, it was asked. She not only rose to the occasion, she excelled. That little boy loved her. And her other brother as well. He beamed when he saw those two and life was good.

I remember after having Payton. Jack was 4, almost 5. I went outside for just a minute to talk on the phone and left Jack "in charge" of her. I could see them through the window and I was almost brought to my knees by the tenderness with which he treated her. With Kruex, multiply that feeling by 100. I had two kids that would do nothing less than love and protect their little brother. The feeling was just priceless.

So, while I understand that I have to suffer this loss, and I even understand that I have to get my other kids through it. Nights like tonight kill me. I don't know what part of the bargain this falls under. I lost one. I have to go through that and I accept it. Why do I have to watch my darling daughter grieve it too? She is *supposed* to be too young to hurt this much. She is *supposed* to get past it.

But she isn't.

And I'm not either.

And how do I explain to work that I have to come in late because Payton wants to go to the cemetary when we wake up?

Some Things Are Just Better Left to the Imagination

Like the big dude in the speedo at the pool.

I ran over my lunch hour at the gym. I decided to run inside on the track instead of venturing outside, even though the weather has been much kinder lately (although today was a bit warmer than the last 5 or so days have been), but nonetheless, I didn't want to deal with my ipod and trying to guess how far I was going/had gone. I just knew I wanted to do 3 miles and that was it. I am planning another 2 or so later tonight with my friend that finally got clearance from her doc to start running again, so I didn't want to push it this afternoon. So, after I finish my run, I walked back to the other end of the building to stretch my legs out and happen to glance into the lap pool on my way by (it is down below). That's when I saw him.

I have to say that I try my best not to judge at the gym. I am all about supporting the seriously overweight while I am running around the track. They are out there trying. Same goes for the pool, but I just don't see any sane reason why a 300+ pound man would opt to wear a speedo for his swim workout????? I know that I would not choose to wear a string bikini to an indoor pool (or outdoor for that matter, but that's another story) to swim laps and just cannot seem to wrap my mind around that fashion choice. But, I guess, at least he was out there doing it and to each his own. Right?

On to more exciting news. My daughter got a new imaginary little sister this weekend. Her name is Susan, but, as Payton says, you can call her Susie. She is 2-years-old and kind of the little mischief-maker :P I had to *pretend* wash her hair and then put it in a *pretend* ponytail. Then we went to a friend's for a cookout and the little turkey jumped in the pool and Payton made my friend's 12-year-old son *pretend* jump in after her! The girl obviously has too much time on her hands - either that or she needs more friends :P

Demons

When we were growing up, often times when we would drive my mom nuts, she would say "Go run around the block a few times". I can't count the number of times I have said a variation of the same thing to my kids. Go run around the house. Go round around the _______. Whatever. The meaning was always the same. You have too much energy and are making me crazy. Go run it off! Tonight, I have come to realize that is what running is to me. It is running all these thoughts, memories, whathaveyous out of my head. I need it. Almost as much as I need food or air right now. It helps me stop wallowing. When I know I would. I need to run tonight. But the kids are in bed. And, unfortunately, I would rather not have them go to foster care and end up in county because I decided the demons in my head where more important than the demons in their beds. But it is nice to finally realize the reason why I run.

Taking Care of My Baby

Sorry I have been MIA for a little while. On Friday, my Grandpa George passed away. It was sudden. But not. It was awful. But not. There have been so many mixed emotions over the past few days and thankfully I have a counseling appointment this morning to get to talk some of it out.

I got a call from my mom at about 2:00 p.m. on Friday telling me that my grandpa fell off the combine and died. They actually think it was a massive stroke or heart attack, but since there was no autopsy, we don't really know. He ate lunch, teased my grandma that the biscuits were too hard, laid down for a few minutes (which was very uncommon) and then went back out to the farm with my uncle. My uncle dropped him off at the combine, went to hook up the wagon and then was going right back to help my grandpa into the combine. I guess Grandpa didn't want to wait because when my uncle returned, he was laying on the ground with no pulse and wasn't breathing. He started CPR immediately and the ambulance came. He never regained any signs of life.

Since Kruex passed away in March, Grandpa has been going downhill. He has said many times that he thought it should have been him that died instead. We are thankful that he didn't have a stroke that left him either bed-ridden or hospitalized. He would not have been happy with that at all. We are thankful that he wasn't actually driving the combine when it happened and taken the chance of hurting someone else. And we are very thankful that he also was able to die doing what he loved the most. There are so many things that I will miss so much about my Grandpa. We were so close. But I finally decided last night that the thing I will miss the most is the twinkle in his eye.

They had just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and it is a wonderful weight off of me to know that we were all together with no negative feelings. We had a full weekend of family and it was so nice. It was wonderful to be able to reconnect with a family that we had lost touch with. And I know there is nothing that would make Grandpa happier. I also know without a doubt that my baby is now getting to know my Grandpa. Something that has been so important to me for so long. So, my request to my Grandpa is - Teach Kruex to play ball. Teach him to play cards. And take him for a ride in the tractor.

I love you Grandpa.

Oh My Raging Hormones!

Alright kids, I don't know what the deal is lately, but I am like a dog in heat (Marcy/Lisa zip it :P) So, is it the fact that last week I *tapered* - for what, I'm not sure, but it just sounded better than saying fat, lazy slob - and then made my return to the world of exercise with some crazy runs/cross training this week? Or the endorphin rush from the workouts (but I have to say I have not had it to this degree since I began running before)? Or the slight modification in my diet to try to boost my workouts? Or is it just the darn heat and humidity getting to me?

I honestly have no idea, but I have to say - I'm not really complaining. Men are looking like candy to me these days and it's got me all flushed. In a good way. The only problem is - soon, I will be one of those dirty old men that just goes to the gym to check the hot bodied co-eds :P Not good, my friends, not good at all.

So, I wanted to do another run today, but I was worried about my shins, and rightly so. I mentioned yesterday that I had not done 2 days in a row of running since last Fall, well I knew that 3 days was probably just asking way too much. So, I went to the gym with a plan. I would commit to a mile on the track and depending on how my legs were feeling either keep going or hit the stationary bike for the remainder of the workout. A mile came and I went. The legs weren't feeling horrible, but my shins weren't overly enthused to keep going. I just figured better safe than sorry and hit the bike. 30ish minutes and 7 miles later, I called it a workout.

I am planning on an off day for tomorrow. At least no gym over lunch since I really need to run some errands instead, but I do need to do some core work and keep saying that I am going to get back to doing yoga on a nightly basis, so you never know!

So Many Decisions Made Today!

Wow! It has been such a crazy fun day today! I have decided to do this and could NOT be more excited about it! I have been DYING to meet Lisa from the first day I talked to her on-line and hopefully we can get Marcy out there, too! I have decided on this half-marathon training plan that txrunnergirl is using and I think I can do it. I did another 3 today over lunch, which is the first time I have gone back-to-back days of running since last fall. So, my plan is to just majorly build base between now and 10 weeks out from the half and then follow the plan. I figure if nothing else, at least I will be on a training plan during the holidays! LOL

But here is my question...the plan calls for two days of cross-training. What counts as cross-training? Anything? I know that biking and swimming do. What about weight training? Does it have to be cardio? Help me out. I feel like Lisa with the questions :P

The other major thing that I have been doing today is planning an office party (I am such a hard worker :P) We decided that we are going to have one of those "How to Host a Murder" parties and I am so excited, I about peed my pants :P We found one that is *lawyer-themed* and perfect! After reading about all of them, it makes me just want to start having parties left and right.

Family Fun

It has been such a nice long weekend. I got out of the house Friday night. The kids stayed with my dad, which is the first time since Kruex was in the hospital, when there was no choice but for them to stay wherever was available. They had a really good time and Payton even asked to go back again on Saturday night. That is so unlike her! She has a VERY hard time leaving me for any amount of time. So, it looks like just maybe I will get a chance to start having a sitter for the kids more often. This will be a good thing for me and I really need to try to take advantage of that on a semi-regular basis.

Saturday morning I got a haircut and then the kids and I hung out with my mom for most of the day. Just nice and quiet. Nowhere to be, nothing pressing to do. It was good. Payton and I went to church Sunday morning and then decided to head to the grocery store to have a cookout that night. My friend was getting back from New York and it was her birthday so I figured if they weren't doing anything we would have them over. So, it ended up being a really fun night. Lots of laughing, eating and drinking and the kids all had a ball. I ended up with 4 kids spending the night Sunday night and then took them all swimming yesterday. Nice, easy weekend.

But I was bad and did no running, so today was back to the grind. Ended up doing just over 3 1/2 miles and finished strong, but about halfway through I really wanted to quit. I felt so strong when I started (probably due to the *taper* :P) but then got a horrible side stitch and just couldn't lose it for over a mile. I really just wanted to throw in the towel and just start over tomorrow, but I managed to push through and am really glad that I did. I also know I really need to start getting my miles up there if I am going to really consider a half in January. The plan is to start building some miles and see how I am feeling. I am just not sure if I really have the desire to run long races. Maybe just to do one, but I don't want to get myself where I am constantly looking at running as such a chore. Hopefully it will get to be a little more fun as I get myself into better shape...or at least I can dream, right? :P