Envy

Today was a tough day. Some are just like that. No reason, really. It started out good. I woke up feeling completely refreshed from the night...something that has definitely not been a given lately. Then in the shower I used the end of the conditioner and on my way in to work my low fuel light came on. Neither one a problem at all, but it threatened my gym time for the day. You see, I couldn't run after work to pick up the conditioner because my son is going to his dad's a day early this weekend and my daughter is spending the night at my mom's. So, I made the executive decision that the gym would have to wait until tomorrow...but that was still okay.

Then I got a link to a blog. The blog of someone who recently suffered her own major loss. Eerily, her loss occurred 1 day before I took Kruex to the hospital. She has blogged through her journey of the last nearly four months. Her loss is different than my loss, but her words are my words. The emotions she has had, the things she has been through brought everyone of those feelings right back up to the surface. The thing is, even with all those feelings, what affects me most is *her* grief. I have come to terms with my own. I accept the fact that it will always be there and it is just my cross to bear, but it really just kills me when others have to suffer. I mean, really, isn't it enough that I have it? Do others have to go through this same misery, too?

But, honestly, I am not that selfless. In the same breath I was desperately jealous of her. She got to have years and years of memories. She got to have books and songs and personal possessions that would always be hers to remember him by. I have often wondered if something happened to one of the older kids (I know it is morbid, but it is just what it is) and thought that at least I would have stories they wrote or songs that they loved to sing and dance to. I think of all the pictures I have of the other two and how limited I feel with what I have that was Kruex's. And then I think how all those memories may just shatter me completely. To have all of that and lose it, how could I go on? But I guess what I have learned over the last almost four months is that you do just go on. The other kids need me to be *me* and not a shell of what I was when Kruex was here. Kruex's life was too precious to waste and I am not about to be that careless with the lessons that I am meant to learn through his life and his death.

So, thank you for the link ;) It was much needed and very much appreciated. Oh, and so far no exercising to blog about, but I am still hopeful that I will get a run in tonight after the kids are deposited where they need to be.