Claustrophobic

The past few days have been rather heavy. It started with another less than stellar run Monday night that actually ended in quite the impressive breakdown. Surprisingly, though, I actually felt pretty good after losing it and sobbing on the track and thought it was just a little *run therapy* and that I needed to get it out of my system. Apparently, I was mistaken. The darkness continued into my sleep Monday night and with the kids being at my mom's overnight, Tuesday work was just not an option.

I suppose there will be many more days like this, but it still feels like it hits me out of the blue, nonetheless. It has been a hard week when I look back at it. There have been 3 deaths, 2 of which were unexpected. When it comes to sorrow and grief I have always felt like a sponge. I tend to sympathize with the pain of others and these days maybe it just gets to be too big for me to handle. The problem is, however, that I don't know how to stop *feeling* everything so intensely. We also had a visit with my grandma and grandpa Monday night and Grandpa just doesn't seem to be doing so well lately. It seems silly, but Monday night it seemed to hit much harder just how definite this all is. It's like I never really wrapped my brain around the fact that no matter how well I can keep it together, I won't be rewarded with getting Kruex back.

This has always been a problem for me. I have always thought if I were the smartest, or the strongest, or just worked the hardest and did my best, that everything would turn out fine. It has been a hard pill for me to swallow that some things are just out of my control. I think I need to get back to church. It has been a few weeks and I feel like I need to reconnect so that I can put this back in the hands of a Higher Power. Because, obviously, right now it is just too big for me to hold without feeling like the walls are closing in.