Work, Weights & Wheels

It has been one crazy busy day! Work was a madhouse...I don't know what I have told them, but apparently they think I am there to do things other than surf the net :P Nah, actually it was kind of nice to be so busy today, makes time go much faster. Another upper body workout at the gym over lunch followed by an awesome protein smoothie. Followed with a full afternoon of *gasp* work! LOL

I was beat when I picked the kids up and got home, but I needed my mom to keep the kids tonight and tomorrow since I have to be back at the job at 7 a.m. So, threw food towards them, packed bags and back in the car to go to grama's house ;) I decided while I was there that I was going to get my bike in my car one way or another and that I did. So, as soon as I got home, I yanked the kid seat off the back (because really...I like to pretend that I am too cool for that :P) and figured it was now or never. It was moment of truth time, ladies and gentlemen...

Can she still ride a bike?

Will the pedals even turn anymore?

Will she be found hours from now laying in a ditch crying?

No, yes and no. Miracle of miracles, I was able to ride the bike and even turn corners! lol The pedals did turn, but not happily. That poor old guy is hurting...almost as much as the actual poor old guy that I nearly ran over (twice) on the bike/walking trail that I chose to make my maiden voyage on. The brakes squealed so loud that I tried to use them as little as possible...especially whenever people were around. And I know without doubt that it is set up about as wrong for me as it would be for someone 6 inches shorter than me. Just not even close. BUT, that wind blowing in my face was FREAKING AWESOME!!!! I wanna pedal, man! It was a short ride, maybe 5 miles, but I only had about 20 minutes until the sun went down and I knew if I didn't take the opportunity sans children, it may be some time before the chance came around again and I am soooooooo glad I did!

So, to sum it up, I worked my tail off today and am going to drop in bed feeling like it was a good day :)

Fresh Mind = Fresh Body?

I was an exercise slacker this weekend. I could have met a friend at the gym on Sunday, but she was working out at the same time church was and after last week, church just seemed to be a little more important this week. And it helped. A lot. It is just such a comfortable place, which is so strange to me, being raised in the Catholic church. I would have NEVER used the word *comfortable* to describe church growing up. But I think for my mental health, this was the right choice of a facility to visit Sunday.

So, Monday started with a fresh perspective and a fresh start to the fitness plan. I ran last night and finally felt good when I finished! It was such a relief after the last three runs and how bad they have been treating me...lol. Nothing spectacular, just 2 1/2 miles, but they felt good and actually gave me a little glimmer of hope that maybe I am not a nut for thinking I should even be out there running :P

Today is upper body at the gym - way more my idea of fun ;) and I am still trying to figure out how I can fit in Body Pump at the gym that I have heard such awesome reviews about!

Just Do It

Okay, so no secret, this week has sucked...not just a little, a whole big nasty week of suck. So yesterday, my cubemate at work told me in no uncertain terms to bring in my gym clothes because we were going to the gym over lunch. Whether I wanted to or not. Thank God for that woman.

I didn't want to right up until she barked at me over her shoulder that she would meet me there. I wanted to run errands instead. I wanted to go to the bookstore, get pruners for the flower beds and run to Target for some toiletries. Since she was out the door so fast I couldn't respond, I had no choice but to pony up and follow her to the gym. It was such a great workout! We did upper body and by the time I got back to the office an hour and a half later (shhhhh) my arms were just tingling.

So the question of the day is....why do we fight going to the gym/going for that run/going to the pool/or going for a ride when we know once it is over we will not only feel so much better physically, but emotionally as well? I mean, my entire posture changes, along with my mindset. It is just so dumb that I make constant excuses when it is actually the best therapy that I have been able to find!

My goal for the next week is no more arguing. Just do it. I like that. Heh, must be why it made them so much money ;)

Blessing in Disguise?

I did a nice, big, depressing post this morning that Blogger apparently felt you all needed to be sheltered from. Blogger was probably right :P

So, instead you will get this...

Monday night 3.5 miles of pure hell (okay, maybe not the first 1.5, but the last 2 for sure)
Tuesday - I managed to get off the couch and feed my children
Wednesday - I actually made it into the shower and into work. Run on tap for tonight.

So, in a nutshell that is probably all you really needed to know and the amazing vanishing post was good enough to get it off my chest and out of my head.

Nevermind....now they both choose to show up :P

Claustrophobic

The past few days have been rather heavy. It started with another less than stellar run Monday night that actually ended in quite the impressive breakdown. Surprisingly, though, I actually felt pretty good after losing it and sobbing on the track and thought it was just a little *run therapy* and that I needed to get it out of my system. Apparently, I was mistaken. The darkness continued into my sleep Monday night and with the kids being at my mom's overnight, Tuesday work was just not an option.

I suppose there will be many more days like this, but it still feels like it hits me out of the blue, nonetheless. It has been a hard week when I look back at it. There have been 3 deaths, 2 of which were unexpected. When it comes to sorrow and grief I have always felt like a sponge. I tend to sympathize with the pain of others and these days maybe it just gets to be too big for me to handle. The problem is, however, that I don't know how to stop *feeling* everything so intensely. We also had a visit with my grandma and grandpa Monday night and Grandpa just doesn't seem to be doing so well lately. It seems silly, but Monday night it seemed to hit much harder just how definite this all is. It's like I never really wrapped my brain around the fact that no matter how well I can keep it together, I won't be rewarded with getting Kruex back.

This has always been a problem for me. I have always thought if I were the smartest, or the strongest, or just worked the hardest and did my best, that everything would turn out fine. It has been a hard pill for me to swallow that some things are just out of my control. I think I need to get back to church. It has been a few weeks and I feel like I need to reconnect so that I can put this back in the hands of a Higher Power. Because, obviously, right now it is just too big for me to hold without feeling like the walls are closing in.

The Small Things

It ended up being a nice weekend. Payton and I had a little girls' day on Saturday since Jack went to Wisconsin for the weekend with his dad. "We" got haircuts and did some major damage to the bank account. I can't believe how old she acts. Of course, she had to try her clothes on in the fitting room, too. We walked in so I could try on jeans and she had stripped down almost before I could get the door closed! LOL Then we hit the shoe store and it is evident that this girl is going to be just as dangerous around shoes as her mother ;) It must have been a long time since I have taken her shopping for shoes in a store that doesn't just stock every size on the floor because when I asked her which shoes she liked, she was very confused and kept holding them up to the bottom of her sandals asking whether or not they were her size! But we left the mall with two new pairs of kicks each and a couple bags full of clothes. I don't remember the last time I bought clothes for myself that weren't more suitable for the gym or the track than public!

Sunday night we had my mom and brother over and cooked on the grill. Then everyone joined in some backyard baseball with the neighborhood kids. It was good times had by all.

I worked through my lunch today, but have felt really distracted and distant all day. I don't know if it is just work in general, but it seems like I don't find a lot of motivation to be very productive. I mean, sure, I have gotten everything done that I have been asked to do, but I sure haven't been going over and above what is asked. I just don't feel like doing the small, routine things that really need to be done. Maybe tomorrow.

Tonight will be a run and hopefully it can't be any worse than Friday's! I have already decided no hills and no stroller. I'd rather hit the track and the kids can play off to the side to avoid a repeat of that stellar performance :P

Some runs just bite

And tonight's was a doozie, ladies and gentlemen :-X

I don't know if it was the fact that I had not eaten dinner yet, that I decided to go run on the bike trail that has some not fun hills, or that I was pushing the jogging stroller from hell that refuses to turn :P Actually, I am sure it was a combination of all three. I knew a mile into it that I didn't want to be running, but Payton and I held in there for 2.5. And that is just going to have to be enough for tonight. I suppose I can think that it is better than none at all, eh?

Cleaning My Closet

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ The Guest House, by Rumi

I decided about a week ago that it was time to metaphorically "clean my closet" and get rid of angers and resentments. Life is too short for wasted energy. They just weigh too much. More even than the 15 pounds that I am working on getting off of my physical body :P So, that is my mission. Get me healthy. Inside.and.Out.

My counselor recommended this poem for me to find and she was right, it is dead on. We are given certain emotions and life-happenings for a reason. Lord knows that it is sometimes very hard to see the purpose in it, but I do believe that they will all come together to make perfect sense at some point in each of our lives. There are no chance occurrences, or meetings. The paths our lives take have been mapped out from Day 1, before really. The job we are given is to listen, learn and grow.

I have no idea how much further my map will take me, but for now, I think I would rather travel a little lighter and clean out some of this clutter that has been taking up so much space and keep traveling the road that is waiting for me.

Envy

Today was a tough day. Some are just like that. No reason, really. It started out good. I woke up feeling completely refreshed from the night...something that has definitely not been a given lately. Then in the shower I used the end of the conditioner and on my way in to work my low fuel light came on. Neither one a problem at all, but it threatened my gym time for the day. You see, I couldn't run after work to pick up the conditioner because my son is going to his dad's a day early this weekend and my daughter is spending the night at my mom's. So, I made the executive decision that the gym would have to wait until tomorrow...but that was still okay.

Then I got a link to a blog. The blog of someone who recently suffered her own major loss. Eerily, her loss occurred 1 day before I took Kruex to the hospital. She has blogged through her journey of the last nearly four months. Her loss is different than my loss, but her words are my words. The emotions she has had, the things she has been through brought everyone of those feelings right back up to the surface. The thing is, even with all those feelings, what affects me most is *her* grief. I have come to terms with my own. I accept the fact that it will always be there and it is just my cross to bear, but it really just kills me when others have to suffer. I mean, really, isn't it enough that I have it? Do others have to go through this same misery, too?

But, honestly, I am not that selfless. In the same breath I was desperately jealous of her. She got to have years and years of memories. She got to have books and songs and personal possessions that would always be hers to remember him by. I have often wondered if something happened to one of the older kids (I know it is morbid, but it is just what it is) and thought that at least I would have stories they wrote or songs that they loved to sing and dance to. I think of all the pictures I have of the other two and how limited I feel with what I have that was Kruex's. And then I think how all those memories may just shatter me completely. To have all of that and lose it, how could I go on? But I guess what I have learned over the last almost four months is that you do just go on. The other kids need me to be *me* and not a shell of what I was when Kruex was here. Kruex's life was too precious to waste and I am not about to be that careless with the lessons that I am meant to learn through his life and his death.

So, thank you for the link ;) It was much needed and very much appreciated. Oh, and so far no exercising to blog about, but I am still hopeful that I will get a run in tonight after the kids are deposited where they need to be.

Thanks Java

Man, this is actually kind of scary for me....I guess that is to be expected since everything I have done for the first time since Kruex's passing has caused the same kind of anxiety in me. You would think I should have learned by now that the worst part is the start, then it all seems to come back and feel comfortable again.

So, since I have last posted I gotten back to the track and to the gym. The running is coming along, VERY slowly, but surely. It is hot and humid in Illinois right now, which is not overly helpful in trying to build my stamina back up. I, however, do have a running partner. A great friend/neighbor of mine has decided she wants to start running so that has given me wonderful excuses to start back up at a nice and easy pace ;)

I am still loving the gym and quite a bit more so than the running, but I am fully committed to both. I believe the journey of an athlete, especially as an endurance athlete is as much a mental commitment as a physical one and I think that is just the kind of journey that this girl is needing right now.

Oh, and Lisa....thanks so much for the gentle kick in the pants I needed to get back to blogging. I promise most of them will be much lighter than this one, but I can't promise all of them will be!