Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Reflections

Time has been flying lately.  It has been such a busy week.  Work, home, everywhere.  The workouts have been kicking butt.  I was even lucky enough to get an outside run in last night with the time change and the slight increase in temperature.  The kids and dog got to go run, too, and had a great time.  I think it was definitely healthy for us all to get out and get some fresh air.  And I, for one, am definitely thankful for daylight savings time, even if it means losing an hour of sleep.

It's been a time of a lot of reflection, also.  Some of you already know that it's getting very close to the one year anniversary of Kruex's death.  It's very hard to imagine that one year ago at this very moment I was sitting in my living room, rocking my baby to sleep.  I can even smell him after his bath, with his clean hair lying in my lap.  I'm sure you can all imagine how horribly I miss him.  How I would give anything for one more day, hour, even minute of rocking him and nursing him to sleep.  

But something I never could have imagined was how I would feel one year later.  I had an appointment with my therapist (shrink :P) this morning and, as she will do from time to time, she asked me to rate how I'm feeling on a scale of 1 - 10.  Surprisingly (and frighteningly considering how close I am to this anniversary), I answered that I was probably somewhere between a 7 and an 8.  I don't, and never have, felt like Kruex was taken from me as a punishment.  I honestly don't believe that God is cruel in that way.  I think He has a much better sense of humor than that and would prefer to make it more interesting than just completely breaking people in one fell swoop.  If I had to guess, I would say that, if anything, my relationship with Payton and Kruex's father was probably the pay-back for past regressions, not Kruex's death.  

I know that I have talked to some of you about this, but I believe our lives are a series of lessons.  Lessons we have to learn before we are allowed to move on.  I also fully believe that we keep repeating the same lessons over and over in subsequent lives until we finally grasp the meaning of what we have been through, a higher knowledge if you will.  And it is my full intention that if Kruex's death was meant to be a lesson for me in this life, I fully intend to learn it and will not risk going through this again.  Because honestly, I don't think I could survive the loss a second time.  And there is nothing for my other kids to gain by watching me fall apart.

Kruex's loss has changed my view of death, but it has also changed view of life.  And I think that is the most important part of this lesson.  I have a lot more compassion for people now than I ever could have before.  Not the ones who obviously deserve it, but the bitter, angry, even hateful people.  From the bottom of my soul, I am just really sorry that they can't understand the lessons that life is handing them and learn from them.  It pains me to watch people let their lives slip away because they feel they are "owed" something.  We are owed nothing in this life.  Everything that we want, or get has to be earned.  It is also my belief that nothing worth having is anything that money can buy.  I would prefer to have children that are healthy and happy.   Ones who had a childhood filled with memories, as opposed to filled with things.  It was certainly my dream and desire to have three children with those memories, but apparently that isn't what God had planned for me/us and that is something I have to learn to live with.

There is much more peace to be gained from seeing the metaphoric silver lining than there is to focusing on the thunder cloud.

14 comments:

Wes said...

Great post, Lori.

I honestly don't believe that God is cruel in that way.

He isn't. Only men with evil in their hearts believe God is capable of or promotes evil.

From my perspective. I think you got this one nailed, Lori. We may not understand for what purpose Kreux was sent to you, or us for that matter, but you are gauranteed there is a purpose. Fullfillment may happen long after our ability to recognize the connection and prevent us from putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

I am delighted and happy to find you strong and in good spirits. Peace and blessings on you and your family...

Marcy said...

Ohhhhh Lori this was a wonderful post that holds very many truths.

I'm glad you're feeling "good" (for lack of better words) I'm always here if you need anything :-)

Mendy said...

Lori, as always you really touch my heart and I'm sure one of your purposes is to show us the true meaning of life. You always say something that makes me sit back and think about things, about life and how I'm treating it.

I'm glad you are doing well, and know that you have a huge amount of support in your life. David and I will always be there for you too!

David said...

Even though I don't know if you mean to be, you are an inspiration of the capability and resiliance of the human spirit. There's so much strength you have in your heart to be able to absorb such a tremendous blow to your life, yet keep moving, keep getting up, keep caring for your children, keep working, and strive for greater fitness. I feel lucky and proud to call you a friend of mine! You are an amazing person, Lori!!

Laurie said...

Lori, what an awesome entry, and like Marcy said, so many truths in it. I have been thinking about you lately and hope you dont mind me checking out your blog. I am so happy to see how well you are doing. You will continue to be in my thoughts

Laurie

Non-Runner Nancy said...

Oh Lori, thank you for this post. The amazing thing I see is that you teach us the lessons you've learned and even teach us to look at hardships in a different way. Look how many people you are touching.

J~Mom said...

Lori, that was absolutely beautiful!! Your words really touched my heart. Thank you for being you and sharing it with us! :>)

Michelle said...

((HUGS)) Lori.

scott keeps running said...

you're doing great. we all get strength from you.

Vickie said...

I might have said this before, but I can't imagine what you have gone through, and for you to be in this good of a state of mind is remarkable. I'm sure there is a lesson to be learned from your experience, and most likely you learn more about it every day. Hang in there. Hope the anniversary finds you able to cope.

The 311 Boys Mom said...

you are inspiring to say the least. you are brave & strong & If others (me included) could be like you with your perspective & trust & just knowing, this woudl be a better place.

I don't know you, have never met you, but in reading you; you have taguht me & inspired me.

thank you

Viv said...

Lori, your words just hit my heart and I felt them. What a beautiful post for you to share.
Hugs your way.

Running Knitter said...

Thank you for posting this. You have inspired me.

prashant said...

I am delighted and happy to find you strong and in good spirits. Peace and blessings on you and your family...
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