runningcrazy

Inspiration

2008-04-14T22:03:00.002-05:00

I think it's pretty fair to say that the last few weeks have been challenging. There have definitely been ups and downs that I have experienced and for some reason, it seems to rear its ugly head by my pulling away in certain areas of my life. Unfortunately, lately that has been here in blogland. And I really don't want to do that, you all are so very helpful and encouraging to me on a daily basis. So my promise to myself is to be a better poster. Plus, I still owe you all a pic of the tattoo. It is gorgeous. I love it. I couldn't have imagined it coming out better. It is on my left shoulder blade and I am so, so happy with the location. Thank you all for your suggestions, too. I think I ended up deciding putting it on my back because of the whole "sag" issue :P

So, today I stumbled upon a blog that pretty much brought me to my knees. I am completely overwhelmed by this family's story and have such respect and admiration for the strength and grace this woman has. I definitely encourage you all to pay a visit to the site when you have a little time and can read the entire story. The amount of belief and love she is able to give through such tragic circumstances is truly amazing.

I have shared a bit in the past, but I definitely believe that Kruex's life had meaning, but I very much share in the faith that his death was my gift to be given to God. However, I'm not sure I have shared the fact that prior to Kruex's death, I really had never felt any kind of connection to God or to faith of any kind. I was raised Catholic and just never really felt like there was any "fit" between the teachings and what I had always kind of intuitively believed. Shortly after I lost Kruex, I seemed to "find" my faith. I never felt that Kruex was taken from me out of spite or hate, but I did often wonder why I was chosen to carry this burden. I believe it is because I can. Because I do have it in me to honor him in the way he deserves. There is never a day that goes by that I am not praying to be with him again, but I accept that it will happen according to His plan. Plus, I honestly believe he is in the best possible place.

So, read about that amazing woman and please pray for strength for the family. I can only know from my own experience a year ago how she is suffering right now, but I can never dare put myself into her shoes. Her loss was so completely different from my own. I do know that in this time, through all the events of the last 4 months, she has counted on her faith more than she has ever had to in her life, and I figure our prayers could only help.

Ink Me Up, Baby

2008-03-19T21:18:00.002-05:00

Today's workout was another killer. 7 different exercises; squats, chest presses, pull-ups, sit-ups, planks, lunges and finally rowing. Each one a total of 4 minutes - working 20 seconds and resting 10. Sounds like cake, right? Yeah, that's what I thought, too. My arms, especially, are toast. Tomorrow I may try to get in a run after work, but over lunch I'm shopping kids. Time to get the kids' Easter goodies all figured out! Plus, it's just been a really long time since I have been shopping and I'm itching!

So it seems like I may be able to get my tattoo in time for Kruex's death anniversary after all! I'm really excited for this and think it will help me through the day so much better. Over the last year and through the big dates that have come and gone, I have found that I am much better with a plan, and especially treating these times as celebrations instead of days of mourning. So, last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I decided we are having a party on the 29th. Not sure how the weather will be, but grilling out would be awesome, but nonetheless, my friends and family are definitely necessary to celebrate the day.

I have also been thinking of getting a couple of tattoos since he passed, but so far haven't had any luck getting ahold of the guy I wanted to do them. The first I want to get done is just his footprints and name. Pretty simple, but very important to me. I have been pretty set that this tattoo would be on the back of my neck since I decided on it, but now tonight as soon as I hung up with my brother (who found a new guy that he wants to go to), I can't decided between the back of my neck, or over my heart.

So, the question of the night...where would you get it? I like the idea on the back of my neck, but I hate the fact that I won't be able to easily see it. I also love the idea of having it on my chest (this is not a tattoo that I have any intention of keeping hidden - so it wouldn't be on my boob, but actually more over my heart), but worry about just in case I do end up having another baby, could it/would it stretch? I would hate to have it change at all. Let me have it. I want to hear it all!

Choices

2008-03-18T22:46:00.003-05:00

You are all seriously too kind. I'm so touched that I am able to give a little inspiration through my struggles. That wasn't my intention in posting what I did, but if that is what I have been able to learn and, therefore, pass on, then hopefully it is part of what my evolution process is meant to be in this situation. Since entering the hospital with Kruex, I have begun to recognize that people are put in our paths for very specific reasons. Whether for us to help them, or for them to help us, I don't believe there are accidents. While I am doing my damndest to become a better person, I will be the first to admit that there is a lot of ups and downs. I am not always as strong as I pretend to be, but sometimes the pretending to be is what helps get me through another day.

Workouts are going well. Actually, really well. I love the tri-weekly ass-beatings I have been getting. I feel so much stronger. And it feels amazing.

The strange thing is that I was lazy over the weekend. I took three days off in a row (which lately is nearly sacreligious) but it would have been so easy to take another off today. I didn't want to work out and there was a chance that Trainer Boy was going to be gone again today. When he called this morning to say the workout was on, I was not happy. After going and finishing another killer workout, I can't help but wonder why it is so easy for me to get lazy like that? I LOVE it! I love the way I feel after. I mostly love the way I feel during. I even love the attention we have been getting at the gym. Seriously, there are very few people, especially some of the regular guys, that don't comment and give us some kind of encouragement every time they pass by us as we are working out. Why would I want to voluntarily stop? Why is it so easy to just be and not keep pushing harder?

I have read a few of your blogs (or actually talked to you personally) about getting crabby when training is too heavy. I know that I am just the opposite. When I am getting my ass kicked on a regular basis, I am so much easier to be around. I feel like I have more clarity and I just don't have the energy to fight the stupid shit I normally would. I KNOW all this about myself, and still, I have no doubt that I would choose to lay on the couch and not move. I would choose to stay home from work to wallow in grief and sadness. I KNOW what helps me, and between working out and being around friends, that's really the best medicine.

So, I guess my question for the rest of you is: If we KNOW what to do, why do we so often CHOOSE not to do it?

Reflections

2008-03-12T20:58:00.004-05:00

Time has been flying lately. It has been such a busy week. Work, home, everywhere. The workouts have been kicking butt. I was even lucky enough to get an outside run in last night with the time change and the slight increase in temperature. The kids and dog got to go run, too, and had a great time. I think it was definitely healthy for us all to get out and get some fresh air. And I, for one, am definitely thankful for daylight savings time, even if it means losing an hour of sleep.

It's been a time of a lot of reflection, also. Some of you already know that it's getting very close to the one year anniversary of Kruex's death. It's very hard to imagine that one year ago at this very moment I was sitting in my living room, rocking my baby to sleep. I can even smell him after his bath, with his clean hair lying in my lap. I'm sure you can all imagine how horribly I miss him. How I would give anything for one more day, hour, even minute of rocking him and nursing him to sleep.

But something I never could have imagined was how I would feel one year later. I had an appointment with my therapist (shrink :P) this morning and, as she will do from time to time, she asked me to rate how I'm feeling on a scale of 1 - 10. Surprisingly (and frighteningly considering how close I am to this anniversary), I answered that I was probably somewhere between a 7 and an 8. I don't, and never have, felt like Kruex was taken from me as a punishment. I honestly don't believe that God is cruel in that way. I think He has a much better sense of humor than that and would prefer to make it more interesting than just completely breaking people in one fell swoop. If I had to guess, I would say that, if anything, my relationship with Payton and Kruex's father was probably the pay-back for past regressions, not Kruex's death.

I know that I have talked to some of you about this, but I believe our lives are a series of lessons. Lessons we have to learn before we are allowed to move on. I also fully believe that we keep repeating the same lessons over and over in subsequent lives until we finally grasp the meaning of what we have been through, a higher knowledge if you will. And it is my full intention that if Kruex's death was meant to be a lesson for me in this life, I fully intend to learn it and will not risk going through this again. Because honestly, I don't think I could survive the loss a second time. And there is nothing for my other kids to gain by watching me fall apart.

Kruex's loss has changed my view of death, but it has also changed view of life. And I think that is the most important part of this lesson. I have a lot more compassion for people now than I ever could have before. Not the ones who obviously deserve it, but the bitter, angry, even hateful people. From the bottom of my soul, I am just really sorry that they can't understand the lessons that life is handing them and learn from them. It pains me to watch people let their lives slip away because they feel they are "owed" something. We are owed nothing in this life. Everything that we want, or get has to be earned. It is also my belief that nothing worth having is anything that money can buy. I would prefer to have children that are healthy and happy. Ones who had a childhood filled with memories, as opposed to filled with things. It was certainly my dream and desire to have three children with those memories, but apparently that isn't what God had planned for me/us and that is something I have to learn to live with.

There is much more peace to be gained from seeing the metaphoric silver lining than there is to focusing on the thunder cloud.

I'll Take New Biceps, Please

2008-03-05T19:16:00.002-06:00

Well, I told the truth. I told him that I tried to do it on Sunday, but it was just BAD! LOL He was fine with it, but I can't tell if the last two days' workouts were hell on wheels because of that or because of the fact that he had to give up sleep Tuesday morning just to come for our training session :X

Yesterday's workout was insane. Pull-ups, dips, lunges with weights, squats with a barbell and sit-ups. Today's was out-and-out crazy though. Our arms were wasted after yesterday and today he had us do 5 jumping pull-ups, 10 MAN push-ups! and 15 squats. As he called it, simple, but not easy :P We had to do it as many times as we could in 20 minutes. We got 10 sets in and were just about to die!

I've gotta say though...we are definitely getting our money's worth. But it feels like we are really getting spoiled, too. Trainer-Boy is heading to Chicago the first of May. We have already set up workouts until he leaves, but once he does I don't think we will be able to find another trainer as intense as he has been. I suppose we can just keep redoing his workouts and try to keep up the intensity alone.

Hope everyone is having a great week. The rest of mine is looking like it is set up well and I'm excited! Hope nobody goes and changes my plans again this week ;)

You Win Some and You Lose Some

2008-03-03T19:21:00.002-06:00

Thanks for all your wonderful comments on my last post! I am obviously not overly concerned about Trainer-Boy being angry with me considering I didn't finish my homework like I was supposed to :P

Row 4000 meters - check

Run a timed 5k - nope

In my defense, I do have to add that on top of the rowing Friday, we threw in 60 push-ups, 45 sit-ups on the incline bench and 40 knee raise things. Then on Saturday I had a kick-ass Body Attack class and threw a couple of miles around the track on afterwards. I really tried to get that 5k yesterday afternoon, as the weather was GORGEOUS, but it just felt awful and I threw in the towel after 2.5 craptastic miles around the track at the school. Could I have finished the 5k? Sure. Would I have turned in my time? Absolutely, positively NOT! LOL It was that bad :X I also had every plan to go run it today over my lunch hour, but ended up talking myself/getting talked out of it. I haven't had a day off since last Tuesday and if I ran today, my next option for a rest day would have been Thursday. That, combined with the fact that I want to also do Body Attack tomorrow night, after training with Rich over lunch, ended up making my decision for me. I'm a selfish biatch...I would rather have the 600 cals burned from doing Body Attack compared to the 300ish cals that 5k would have given me :P

So, here is my next dilemna...do I just tell Rich I didn't do it, or just give him a number that I know I'm capable of? It's not like we hired him to get us to be faster runners (although I am hopeful that will be a side effect of all this training), so really do I care that much? Oh, and I do fully intend to run that 5k on Thursday, instead of taking it as a rest day.

Let me know what you think!

Pity Party Anyone?

2008-02-28T21:31:00.003-06:00

Seriously, what is my damn problem? Whatever, I know what my problem is, but the question is - When will I start figuring it out sooner so I can stop throwing these stupid temper tantrums and getting attitude with people who really don't deserve it?

I owe Rich, the trainer, an apology and I feel awful about it.

As I've said, we train with him on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but this weekend he is going skiing in Utah, so we moved the Friday to Thursday (today) and Monday's will be pushed to Tuesday. No big deal. I was actually really excited because I was looking forward to getting in a nice easy run tomorrow, just stretch out my legs, feel good, you know the kind. And then Saturday * the plan was a Back-to-Abs class followed by Body Attack. Hopefully, a longer run on Sunday*, since the weather is supposed to be high 40s/low 50s, and then decide what I feel like doing on Monday. I was really excited about it and just felt good and happy.

Then today's workout happened. It started with him telling us that we would be running today. This did not make me happy. I really want nice, relaxed legs for tomorrow's run. I wanted it to feel good and I know after a workout that involves running, they are going to feel like ass and I am not going to have that relaxing run that I was looking forward to. For some reason, that pissed me off. More than a little bit. I was actually surprised at how angry I was by it, but by the end of the workout, I felt that I had gotten myself back under control and had done pretty well stepping away from crazy :P

Then. He tells us he has homework for us. He wants us to run a timed 5k** and also do a timed 4000 meters on the rower. I actually signed my paper and walked away, down to the lockerroom to change. I was ready to spit nails! And I wholeheartedly agree that this is COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY for me to be acting this way. The entire time I was changing back into my work clothes, I was trying to figure out what the hell my problem was and why I was behaving like my 4 year old. I think I finally did get it. I fell out of control. With everything lately. I am 1 month away from the 1 year anniversary of Kruex's death and it's starting. I had a great plan all set up and ready and in my warped brain, he took that away from me. And it made me so angry.

I do normally try to roll with the punches and am usually moderately successful, but today was just not one of those days. And it's not fair that my anger had to be directed at Trainer-Boy***. It's not his fault and he doesn't know any better.

*weekends are always up in the air because of the kids. I can only get long runs in if I can find a place for them to go and the gym is even harder on weekends when Jack goes to his dad's because Payton won't go to the gym alone (and I wouldn't either :X)

**if I decide to stop being a big whiny baby, I could actually be looking at this as a great opportunity to get a SY5K time in for Vanilla

***maybe I should get him something that says "Sorry. I swear I'm not a total bitch." :P What do you get for a trainer? A tiger tail...can of protein powder? :P

That Darn Biggest Loser

2008-02-27T19:05:00.002-06:00

OMGOSH! I really don't think this show should make me cry every week (which it does), but I am pretty darn confident that it shouldn't lead to weeping and sobbing :P This week was such a moving elimination. I truly don't think I have ever heard any human being talk about another in a way as touching as how Jay described his relationship with Mark on Tuesday night. I think, for me, the part that was the best was when Jay said that his brother had always been his hero and he had looked up to him his whole life, but since going to the Biggest Loser Ranch, he has also become his best friend. If those men hadn't even lost a pound, that connection put them as the Biggest Winners in my book. The kids and I talked about it afterward and I tried to explain to Jack that if his siblings could say those types of things about him, then he was definitely a great brother.

Now, onto Evil Rich...today's workout was brutal. Here's a breakdown and I'm sure for most of you it would be a walk in the park, but he kicked my hiney all over the place:

20 jumping pull-ups

30 deadlifts

40 box jumps

50 sit-ups

60 thrusters

70 swinging dumbbell thingies :P

80 push-ups

The push-ups were definitely brutal, but the sit-ups are what I was the most proud of today. Seriously, 2 weeks ago, I couldn't even do 15 in a row and I did all 50 full on sit-ups! He had even told me before we started to just do as many as I could get through and then finish it up with crunches. Obviously, I was not the only one worried about getting through them :P The box jump was another one that was really scary to me before we started. I have a huge fear of falling and I don't know what my issue is. But rest assured, I got 'em done and didn't hit the ground once ;)

Rich is gone Friday, so our workout got rescheduled to tomorrow. Hopefully, I will be able to get a run in on Friday, too, since I feel like I'm getting a long weekend! LOL

Introducing...

2008-02-25T18:43:00.009-06:00

Miss Tootsie Jo!

This picture was taken the weekend we got her, but other than maybe filling out a bit (which you can't really tell because of all the hair) she still looks the same. The kids are still loving her. Not so much the cleaning up after her, since apparently being completed babied and being let go to the bathroom on a pad in the kitchen is not really up her alley and she prefers to still pee and crap all over the place :P But they love to tear through the house getting her to chase after them and she even is into snuggling with Payton. I don't really get that since Payton is about as warm and fuzzy as the Ice Queen from Narnia, but whateva ;)

On the workout front, things are going well. I had to miss last Friday and Saturday's workouts since I was hit with a nasty stomach bug. Both of my kids have already had it so hopefully we are free and clear of all other nasties. We had a great workout today with *Jillian*...3500 meters on the rowing machine with 105 thrusters sprinkled in there. It was intense. I do find that I have a lot more stamina on the rower than I do running and those thrusters are one of my favorites (and unfortunately Kathy's least favorites) and we seem to do them more often than anything else. Well, those and squats :P Our boy is leaving for a long weekend so this week we are getting him MWTH and then TWF of next week. It may actually work out pretty well so that I can get a run in here or there since they have been getting the shaft between the trainer and Body Attacks.

Hope everyone is doing well. I am trying my darndest to keep up on blogs and will get better now that I have a better handle on this computer!

Finally!

2008-02-17T15:44:00.002-06:00

I got my new Macbook and she's so pretty! Now, hopefully, it will be easier to get on at night and I'll do a much better job on my commenting. We haven't done any work with the PT since Monday when Kathy hurt herself. She finally went to a doc on Thursday and he gave her a muscle relaxer so we should be back in business on Monday. I have to admit it has been nice to take a couple of days off and get stuff done. Scott is just about done with basketball and once that's over life will get a lot less busy. Jack had 18 points at his basketball game yesterday afternoon! He is really getting a lot better this year. Hope everyone is having a great weekend and enjoying their Sunday afternoon :)

Work Shmerk

2008-02-11T20:39:00.000-06:00

This is turning out to be such a busy month and I'm not really sure why. I spent the weekend in Chicago and had a ball. My friend Kathy (workout partner that I work with) and I went up to her son's and spent the day on Saturday with her daughter-in-law - shopping on Michigan Avenue, lunching at The Cheesecake Factory (OMG! That place is awesome!) and then eating dinner at an Italian tapas restaurant. It was my first experience with a tapas restaurant and I just love the whole idea. The food was incredible, so that certainly didn't hurt anything. We ended up at the bar Kathy's son works at and suffice it to say, it was a L.A.T.E. night :X

I almost forgot...sorry I have been sucking on commenting on all your blogs. I promise I'm reading religiously, but they have somehow blocked our ability to comment and I can't make new posts from work anymore either. All these blocked sites are getting old...What do they think I'm there for anyway? :P

The personal trainer is going well. He is killin' us! I have found out that I have ZERO strength in my abdomen. Seriously...situps are downright embarrassing and I jump rope like a mental patient. :X But 3 down...only 17 to go...Oh, Lord :-/ All I know is that if at the end of this I am able to do 30 regular situps in a row and 15 "man" push-ups in a row, he will be my best friend forever. LOL

This week is going to be quite the test. The first week of actually 3 sessions with Rich and Body Attack tomorrow night and Saturday morning. It will be fun to see if I am still concious once we hit Saturday afternoon :P Oh, and my cousin turns 21 on Friday, so that will not be a nice class on Saturday!

Hope everyone has a great week and I will try to get on the commenting!

My Own Personal Jillian

2008-02-06T18:36:00.000-06:00

Meet Rich. This is the man that is going to make me scream, cuss and cry for the next 7ish weeks. Hopefully in that same timeframe, he can give me some kickass muscles, a tight ass and bring my waist back to more of what its supposed to look like.

Kathy and I had our first personal trainer session today. It is supposed to focus on the core and she, being the ninny that she is, told him we wanted it to be "military" (I think she meant like bootcamp, but since she calls the "grapevine step" the "grapevine wreath", I'll let her slide ;)).

At this time, I really only have one thing to say...OH.MY.GOD!!! It was the most intense workout I have ever had in my life. The first thing I have done where I actually could not have physically done another thing. Just not happening. He had us circuit training - 4 different exercises - 15 reps of each. We started with deadlifts at 50 pounds; then moved onto "thrusters", which were basically squats with 12-pound dumbbells that you thrust above your head as you are standing; then elbow-to-knee crunches; and finally, pushups. During the 3rd set, I thought I was going to die and Kathy said she almost cried :X

That Son of Satan made us do 5 SETS!!!!!

I am just plain worn out. But I am so excited to be doing this and really, really hope that it makes a huge difference. He did tell us that we did well and that we were going to be strong as hell by the end of this fiasco. Oh, and he said that the exercises he is using for us are the same ones the actors who played in 300 used and that we will never see the same exercise twice, which is good because if we were doing that circuit on Friday, I think Kathy & I would both skip :X

We also did another class of Body Attack last night and it was even rougher than Saturday's class. This instructor was awesome. At least I can feel a little better with the knowledge that I don't have to do that again until Tuesday. Kathy & I are going to Chicago for the weekend for some shopping/partying with her son and his wife. It will be so nice to get to escape for a couple days, but I wish the weather was supposed to be better. I think it is supposed to be a nice balmy zero or something ridiculous like that this weekend :P

Dear Miley Cyrus

2008-02-04T20:48:00.000-06:00

You are just adorable! I took my daughter to your movie/concert on Sunday and we had the best time. She sang. She clapped. She shook her tail feather (quite a bit :X) She was crazy about the jeans you wore during part of your concert. And she was extra crazy about the fact that you had the Jonas Brothers with you (I know she's only 4...it's actually quite embarrassing how boy-crazy she already is). I just really wanted you to know how much fun we had and we have come to a decision. Can we adopt you? Just let me know!

Thanks!

Lori & Payton

Sorry, had to get that one out of the way. Payton has been riding my ass all day to ask ;) Had a pretty decent run today. I'm loving the new kicks. They felt pretty darn good, even though I did still have some arch pain, but it was expected. Tomorrow night is another Body Attack class. The plan is to do it on Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings and then Kathy and I are starting ab/core work with a personal trainer on Wednesday. We are going to focus on core with him Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I was a bit concerned with this new schedule because of the lack of time to really be able to fit runs in, but the more I thought about it, the better it probably is. It will give my arch/plantar faciitis more time to heal and I will still be getting killer workouts in. We are going to have 20 sessions with the trainer, which takes us for nearly 7 weeks. Hopefully by the last third of it, the weather will be cooperating a bit more and I'll be able to run occasionally after work at home.

Workout + Hottub = Gratitude

2008-02-02T22:30:00.000-06:00

Holy cow. We did Body Attack this morning and it was insane. It was amazing and I loved every sweat-filled minute of it. Afterwards, my arch was killing me so I decided that it was past time for some new running shoes and Jennifer and I went to Running Central. I completely lucked out and the owner was there to help me find the shoes I needed and to talk to me about my arch issues. He thinks I have plantar faciitis and many issues in my calves, probably primarily from the heels I wear to work daily and the crappy shoes I wear other than when running/working out. But when he talked about trigger points, I knew he was one of the good guys, since Bob said the same thing. So, I got myself hooked up with a new pair of Mizuno's and I can't wait to get a run in with them.

Afterwards, the day was crazy. Lunch, basketball (Jack's), cooking for the SuperBowl tomorrow, etc. but finally after it all settled down, Payton and I went to Jennifer's and we hit up the hottub for a while. Oh.My.Gosh! It felt so good and with a few beers was just perfect. We got talking about crap in general and I started thinking and telling her how I believe pain is relative. Actually, I should rephrase...loss is relative. When I lost my grandpa in September it was hard, but okay. I also had a point of reference. That being said....

I got to have my son for 9 months. 8 months at home in perfect health and perfect temperment. The child was sent from God and that is what we got. I thank Him everyday that I was able to spend that much time with such a perfect little human being. And I am so grateful for it. Again, loss is relative...

There are people I am humbled by every day. The Iraqi mothers who watch their children get raped and murdered right before their eyes. Actually, any parent in a war-torn country. Mothers in Africa who have children born with AIDS or other unspeakable illnesses. And most dear to my heart...the mothers who have to lose their dear sons and daughters to the war we are fighting...especially the ones who risk more than one. I can't, for the life of me, imagine how they continue. But, then again, before Kruex died, I never imagined I could either after losing a child. A mother's love and faith is an incredible thing, and I can only hope and strive to do it the honor it deserves.

Born to Run?

2008-01-30T18:54:00.001-06:00

During my lunchtime run today, I started wondering about natural talents. Some people seem like they are just born to be runners (*coughcoughMarcy/Davidcoughcough*) and then there are the rest of us :P

Obviously, some people are intellectually gifted, some artistically and then there is physically. I do believe that elite athleticism is inherent, but can you learn to be a fast runner? I played volleyball in high school and was by no means a superstar, but I was decent. I also know that it wasn't natural skill. I didn't just have this amazing vertical jump that made me a spiking maniac, but I did work my ass off and was able to be decent enough to be on the all-conference team, etc.

Now, I do know that if I work hard I can definitely improve my running skills, but I have a lot of doubt that I will ever consider 8 minute miles *my* pace. And honestly, I don't think I even care that much, which is strange, too. Maybe I just figure if I consistently put in the time and training, eventually I will see the results I'm looking for and to this point, I can honestly say I just haven't put in the effort it deserves.

Jack's only hope in life is to play professional baseball. He probably has as much a shot at actually doing that as he does of winning the lottery. But regardless, I hope that he works his little tail off and never gives up. And maybe, just maybe, he can look back at what his mom was able to get out of her non-runner-self and see that it is possible to morph yourself into what you want to be, even if you weren't necessarily born that way.

Randomness

2008-01-29T09:46:00.001-06:00

Not much of great importance going on these days, but there are a few things I wanted to share.

I will post pics of the new pup as soon as I can, which will be shortly after I get my tax return back and I buy my new laptop. 'Cuz right now? My computer is a big piece o' garbage, but it was free and I can't complain too much. I also can't transfer any of the pics off my cameras to it, which is why we have to wait.
Speaking of Tootsie, I fear that she may have been a cat in a previous life. Maybe that's how it works? They evolve from cats to tiny little sissy dogs and continue to be a larger dog with each subsequent life? Who knows, but the little dope actually climbed the baby gate last night and got out of the bathroom. She then proceeded to get onto the couch, walk along the top and get onto my side tables. Seriously? She shakes like a leaf when I try to get her to walk onto the deck or climb a step, but she can scale a baby gate?
I made tiramasu for my friend, Kathy's, birthday at work today. The recipe is here and it turned out really well. Actually, I completely suggest trying any of her recipes because I have made quite a few and have yet to find one that isn't just awesome! Plus, with all the pics and, she makes it pretty darn easy to follow along, not to mention she cracks my shit up.

So that's about the extent of my excitement. It has been a bit warmer for the last two days, but there is a dirty rumor that it is supposed to go from the high-40s (which it was this morning) to a windchill of -18 by tomorrow morning. That's just crazy!

Too Cold To Type

2008-01-25T09:51:00.001-06:00

This week has been ridiculously cold...Actually, now that I think about it, ever since I got back from Arizona it has been horribly cold, but yesterday? The temperature display in my car actually read "-9". I think that is just cruel and unusual. I honestly don't know why they make them go below zero. I would rather just sit in my imaginary little world and pretend it is *just* zero instead of -9 :P And that's not counting windchill. We hit a lovely -25 with windchill yesterday.

But things are looking good on the horizon. They are calling for 45 by Monday and it is still somewhat light out when I leave work these days, so that gives me some hope. I realize that I live in the wrong state. I am nowhere close to a fan of winter. It makes me sad to see the days get shorter and the cold and snow and ice and sleet? Hate them all. So, the countdown's on to Spring!

Payton's birthday party was great. We had stuffed green pepper soup and baked potato soup. It only seemed appropriate since everyone that walked in was practically a popsicle :P She got great gifts, the puppy is by far her fave, but she also got an art easel that she is very pumped about and is constantly sitting at. She even came up with a name for the dog all on her own! Tootsie Jo (Payton's middle name is Jo, too). She is the sweetest little puppy and such a good girl. The only struggle is potty training, but I didn't expect it to be easy. I do have to say that it is much easier to try to train a pup with two kids that constantly take her to the paper to do her bidness. The kids are great with her and I'm not sure at this point that I could have picked a better dog :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I am hoping to get an outside run in since it is supposed to de-ice a bit over the weekend ;)

Birthday Wishes

2008-01-18T14:02:00.000-06:00

On Monday, Payton will be turning 4. We are having a party with the family on Sunday and many have called or emailed asking what she is wanting for her birthday. Her reply? "A puppy or a pony. Real one. Please." That's it. No talking her down or into anything else. There are no toys that she feels she needs - no crap, Christmas was less than a month ago :P - and she all of a sudden has decided that clothes are not going to cut it. Lovely. Anyone out there want to hook the poor child up with the pony? Because........

Tomorrow morning we are going to go pick up her puppy! It is a mix between a yorkie and a maltese, or "morkie" as they are sometimes called. The pictures are just darling and the breeder lives just about an hour north of us. I think I am more excited than she will be. I am seriously beside myself to see her face when she figures out where we are going tomorrow. Now, if only I can keep my mouth shut for the next roughly 20 hours. I suck at keeping secrets :X

No Run for You!

2008-01-16T14:32:00.000-06:00

Think Soup Nazi from Seinfeld ;)

I really wanted to run over lunch today and Kathy wanted to do upper body, so we decided we would hit the track and see how it felt. Not good :( My legs feel great, but my right foot/arch not so much. So half a mile around the track to get our hearts pumping and then onto weights. I'm not terribly disappointed since I know that I need that, too, and I feel pretty good after all is said and done. Hopefully, I can deal with the elliptical tomorrow if I still can't straight out run. At least it will count for the cardio that I need to keep focusing on.

I am still all tingly-feeling from such an awesome weekend and from having such a great time at the race. I am seriously digging to find any races that are near - and even a few that aren't so near ;) - to keep running and training for. Before this one, I really didn't think that I wanted to have races to train for. I just figured I would run for fitness and maybe follow a plan if I felt the need, but not really with anything in sight. Now, I want to do more! LOL I suppose this is how all you crazy nuts got addicted in the first place ;) So, the plan for now is to get a couple more halfs in this year and maybe some 10k or 10 milers, too, and then decide if I feel like I could keep myself from getting too bored during a full. At some point in my life, I would like to run a full just to know that I could and did, but I'm still not sure if that is a distance that would really make me happy :P Maybe if Lisa runs it with me and I can focus all my energy on her instead of myself it would be easier ;)

LOVED IT!!!!! And Shot Blocks are a Gift from God

2008-01-15T10:08:00.000-06:00

First of all, I need to send a HUGE Thank You!!! to Lisa for putting up with me all weekend long and letting me invade her life and home. A big thanks to Javadad, too, for putting up with it! She was the best host ever and I completely feel like I have known her my whole life. It was awesome. And to finally, after nearly 4 years, to get to meet Marcy was just awesome! And she really is just as *gangsta* as you would all think ;) LOL

I had such a great time with Lisa, Marcy, David, Mendy and Karen and could have stayed so much longer. They are everything you read, completely amazing people :)

I think I will do a separate post about the weekend in general, but just wanted to talk a bit about the race first.

I was seriously, disgustingly undertained for this run. Last week I went through tons of doubts and by Friday morning I realized that I hadn't even had a run long enough to require me to try any kind of nutrition or even have to drink water :X Needless to say, I was soooooo nervous and had no expectations of any kind....well, maybe not to die on the course :P So, to help allievate most of my major concerns, Lisa and I decided to do a run 5, walk 1 at a pretty easy pace. This helped calm me down so much and I finally just decided that whatever happened, happened. No point in stressing.

Karen got us to the race perfectly Sunday morning. It was seriously timed so well and I don't think things could have gone smoother between the lot we parked in and the shuttle we rode to the start. I felt great, the weather was cool before the start, but it was going to be a great day to run with great friends. The only thing that was not cool were the nasty porta-johns before we started :X We all changed our corrals to 16 so we could be together. Taryn was there with us, too! And people, she is such a sweet girl! I am so glad we found her and got to run with her for a bit. We finally got running roughly 32 minutes after the race officially started.

Once we got underway, I felt great and could not believe how fast 5 minutes had passed. I was all about keeping running, but the overall consensus was to stick to the plan and not burn out too fast. I should add, too, that I had a package of Cliffs shot blocks and some sport beans with me. The sport beans decided to jump out of my pocket about a mile and a half into the race :P But those shot blocks were safe in my hand for the duration. The package recommended taking 3 - 6 an hour, but since I only had about 6 of them, I decided to just use them sparingly. I had one at the start and then waited until maybe mile 4 or 5 to have 2 more. We had a couple of bathroom breaks during the first 4-5 miles that ate up a lot of time, but everyone was doing well. Taryn left us after maybe 2 miles or so. She was feeling awesome and rocking it, so she kept moving to run her own race and Karen fell back somewhere in that mile 4-5, I think (but could be off in my estimation...sorry Karen). She really pushed through some major leg pain and did an awesome job! So, it was Lisa, Mendy, Marcy and I until mile 8.5 or so. At that point Mendy and Marcy needed to use the bathroom again and I knew to get Lisa a PR, she and I really needed to keep moving. So we kept moving and pushed on to get her a PR!!!

Back to the shot blocks. I know I had the last one (or two??) right around mile 9 and I just cannot believe how those suckers kick in! I felt so good those last couple of miles, just wish I would have had a few more ;) Miles 10 - 13 were a bit more rolling than the rest of the race had been and Lisa probably didn't like me very much when I made her keep running, especially at the pace I was forcing her to go :X I think most of the time we were running in those last 5 miles I was pushing her to between 9 and 10 minute mile paces. She is now to refer to me as Jillian from the Biggest Loser. I think most of the people we were running around in those final 2 miles probably thought I was one of the meanest people on the course :X But even as much as she was bonking, she never stopped smiling!

I am so lucky to get to run my first half with such AMAZING people! I am so proud of Lisa for putting up with my bossiness and pushing through even though she would have rather pushed me off the bridge and kept walking ;), so proud of Mendy for pushing through even though she was feeling horrible the entire race and of Karen for fighting through her pain and still getting a PR for herself! YAY!!! Taryn really rocked her race and David and Clay both killed it!

This was an awesome experience and I think I just may be in love with both the distance and definitely with the shot blocks! Would it be wrong to just use them daily for extra boost?? LOL My only complaint two days later is some wicked arch pain in my right foot. I am hoping that it will be gone here soon and then I can just blame it on overuse. New shoes are definitely in the plans soon!

It's Official

2008-01-09T13:29:00.000-06:00

I'll be walking 13 miles on Sunday :P

Alright, alright, trying to be positive here...once I get with Lisa, Marcy and Mendy maybe the miles will pass a little easier. Maybe I won't think about how crappy my breathing is, or the fact that my legs are sore. But no matter what happens with the race, I am going for fun. I am going to meet people that I have been waiting over 4 years to meet and I could not be more excited. Or maybe I am about due for a decent run? A girl can dream, right?

So, the plan from now until I leave on Friday is going to be tying up loose ends. I have a bunch of work I need to get off my desk. Mostly busy work and filing, but I will feel much better without it stacked all around me. And I need to get all the laundry done, pack for both kids and try to figure out what in the world I want to take with me. Strangely, I am not in the least concerned about packing for the actual race nearly as much as just what am I going to wear in general! If anyone has any tips or ideas, please let me know. How is the weather down there? And try to remember I am coming from 30-40 degree HIGH temperatures, so if you think 65 is chilly and calls for a sweater (Lisa :P), it probably won't to me ;)

A Hard 3

2008-01-07T16:47:00.000-06:00

At least I did it, right? Ugh. I did 3 miles over lunch and until about the last half mile or so, was really fighting each and every bit of it. I am pretty sure that I was finally settling into it at the end, but I needed to get back to work. I have no illusions whatsoever. This half is going to HURT, but I can't wait for all the fun that I am going to have! I cannot believe I am leaving in 3 1/2 days!!! I can't remember the last vacation I had without kids, let alone the last vacation I had that wasn't centered around mourning and grief. I am beyond ready for this :)

There was an area high school student that died this weekend. He was a senior and died in a car accident on his way to his grandma's house to wash her car for Sunday church. His grandma is one of my grandma's best friends and although I didn't know him, I know his family and my brother and cousins new him. From what I can gather, he sounds a lot like my brother and my cousin, Travis. Great kids that are always there to help other people. Honestly, the only other seniors or early 20-something kids that I know who would give up a Saturday afternoon to wash their grandmother's car is my brother and cousin. When they get bored, they go hang out with Grandma. Especially since Grandpa died. They are amazing, as it sounds like this boy was.

There have been quite a few articles in the local paper about him since the accident and as I was reading some of them online today, I noticed that some of the comments weren't very "helpful", we'll say. There were comments from people saying that they are sure he was great, but wondering why so much attention was dedicated to the loss. There were others demanding to know "what happened" and blindly throwing blame on the teen (speeding, not wearing a seatbelt, etc.) and on his parents (perhaps they had him driving a car that was untrustworthy ???). While I have been told by my brother (who knew both the teen and the family) that he was speeding and lost control, does it change anything knowing that? Does it make it an easier loss to bear because he was "responsible" for what happened? Life is such a precious thing and grief is so incredibly hard to bear, especially fresh grief. Do his parents really need to be subjected to reading those types of comments attached to wonderful articles of their son? Do his friends need to be put through that?

I just don't understand who it helps to make those types of comments. I understand it is your "right" to comment in whatever way you desire, but start a blog, bitch to your family and friends, harp on your own children to make wise choices by using this as an example, but PLEASE let this family (and every family that is forced to go through this kind of pain) grieve in peace. Believe me, every thought you could think, they already have. Every question on their parenting that you could come up with, has already crossed their minds a dozen times. They don't need your help feeling like their world is falling apart. Because right now? It is.

Sorry for the rant, but I just really wish that more people would realize that sometimes it takes a bigger person to just close their mouth and keep walking.

She's Not Going to Like Me in the Morning

2008-01-04T15:21:00.001-06:00

My poor, poor, poor dear friend (J) did upper body with me today at the gym. While it has been many weeks since I had run last (prior to yesterday - don't forget...back with a vengeance people), I would bet that it has been more like 3 months since I have done any weight training :X. Not.Good.At.All. And it's going to hurt. My friend though? If I were the betting type, I would put money on the fact that my girl has not lifted an actual weight in years. She has been a good little runner girl, but the weight-training part of it has just not appealed to her....Until now.

She made the best decision ever and decided to join the same gym I go to. Now, not only does my coworker (K) go (and she's back at it, too), but I now have another workout partner! Today, K had an appointment so I made a date to do upper body and core work with J. We did a bunch of different stuff and she stuck with pretty low weights, but as soon as I got back to the office, she sent an email that she was already not liking me anymore! And then about an hour later that it hurt to eat her lunch :X

It's a really good thing that my daughter constantly refers to her as "The Best Mom Ever!" or I am not sure if she would talk to me again after she tries to wash her hair tomorrow.......

No More Excuses

2008-01-03T13:39:00.000-06:00

As of today, I am officially BACK! Back to running. Back to blogging. Back to life in general. The holidays were hard, no getting around it. But they were good, too. The kids got more than they deserved :P And so did I.

Today's run hurt. Bad. I am in rough cardio shape, which is really no surprise, but my legs feel really good. Also no surprise since they should be pretty fresh by this time :P But, I am going to tough it out and run this half. I have no delusions that it is going to be pretty, or feel good, but I really think I can tough it out. I do want to add that Lisa, Marcy and Mendy....PLEASE do not feel like you have to run with me. I did this to myself and I don't want to ruin your race. I would feel like complete crap if I did :(

But I am just so glad to be back exercising. I feel like I am back among the living and at least I can remember why I started this in the first place. I already have a gym-date tomorrow with my friend Jennifer (she joined the gym last week!) to do some core and upper body, so no fluke, I'm back to stay :)

Blog Schmog

2007-12-07T09:50:00.000-06:00

THANK YOU ALL! so much for all your wonderful words. I always know that when this girl is down, you all are unbelievable in picking me back up again.

That said, I am still in a blogging funk. And a running funk :X I am hopeful that this weekend is going to turn that around, but I just have no clue where I am going to fit this junk all in! Starting Monday though back to the gym over my lunch hours. At least a 40 minute run is better than the nothing that I have been doing lately.

So, that being said, please just bear with me. Once I figure out what to get my rotten kids for Christmas, I trust that I will be feeling better...or if I win the lottery. Whichever comes first :P

A little disclaimer

2007-12-01T20:13:00.000-06:00

First off...I just want to say that I'm sorry for all of you that I upset when you visit this blog. I really, truly try my best to keep it as light as possible. I honestly do. I also know that no matter what I can say, it is a very heart-wrenching subject for a lot of people. BUT...I consider you all my friends. And being my friends, the last thing I want is for you to have pity for me. I want you to say the things you would say to your other friends, nice or not. That's a huge reason why I love blogging and love you all. My best friends in the real world remember the baby, but don't dote on it, and that's really what I want you all to do, too. I hope you can all gain some of what I have learned from this experience. That is completely important to me. But I don't want anyone baby-stepping around me because of it. I don't expect to be coddled. And I really would rather you all like me because of the person that I am and not what I have been through.

That being said....I SUCK....I haven't run since Monday. I am going to be completely unready for the half in January and I am just hoping that my determination and the fact that I am running with 3 of the best people EVER can get me through it. I just don't see the training getting that much better anytime soon, but I do still plan on getting it done. So, I guess all I'm saying is...wish me some luck ;)

Issues

2007-11-29T09:07:00.000-06:00

It is completely amazing to me how dense I can be at times. I have been having these horribly Scroogy-type feelings towards Christmas and it took me until driving to my counseling appointment yesterday to figure it out. Um yeah...of course I am going to have a hard time with the holidays this year. I miss my baby. But once I left my appointment (after coming up with a plan to deal with it and include him in the holidays) I felt honestly 10 pounds lighter. The kids and I talked about it last night and we decided the best way to honor Kruex this Christmas would be to buy some gifts that we think he would have loved and then donate them to kids that need them and would enjoy them. We usually choose one or two different charities to donate to during this time of year anyway, and this will be a really personal way for the kids to feel like they are helping someone. I think we just found a new Christmas tradition :)

So, now that I have finally dealt with my issues...bring on the shopping and decorating! Which is good since The Boss's big plan for the weekend is to get a tree up in my house and hang lights, too, and now I can be cheery and fun instead of crabby and sad :P

The house is clean. I've gotten a couple of workouts in so far this week. Hopefully I can find time to get a run in tonight, but it is frigid out these days and I have a head cold starting, which is no fun. But overall, I am finally looking forward to the holiday season again. And before long it will be over and it will be on to Sunny Arizona! I need to kick it into gear, kids!

I Love Me A Holiday Weekend!

2007-11-26T18:08:00.001-06:00

What a whirlwind of a weekend! As insane as it was, I really wish that every weekend could be a holiday weekend :) I am proud to say that I was able to avoid all sweets over the Thanksgiving holiday, but unfortunately the same can't be said about the alcohol. There were many festive family gatherings and the spirits were flowing! I also did a completely craptacular job of getting any runs or exercise of any kind in whatsoever. It was not good, people. Not good at all.

The roses were from a new "friend". And probably top the surprise chart by any random act that any boy has ever done for me in my life. Very impressive. We have a ton in common and had a lot of fun this weekend. He has kids the same ages as mine (give or take a few months) and has also had to deal with the loss of his wife 3 years ago. Kind of scary the similarities, actually. Oh, and on the first date he actually said the "T" word, as in triathlon! I know...shock and awe.

But here is the best part! He WORKS OUT OF TOWN! I have always said that I needed to find me an over-the-road truck driver. You know...gone all week long and home over the weekend. LOL My wish may have been granted!

So, my plan for the week is to get at least two (preferrably 3) quality runs in during the week, get this house cleaned up (4 kids all week long have done a number on it) and just get ready for the weekend to start the insanity again.

Hope everyone got through the holiday weekend in one piece and without too many excess pounds!

Holy Mary! I almost forgot! Metamora won the State Championship on Saturday! It was nail-biting and came down to a last second field goal by their 14-year-old freshman kicker. Talk about the weight of the world on your shoulders!

Tagged & An Obsession

2007-11-20T11:46:00.000-06:00

I got tagged by the lovely Mendy who I am going to have the honor of running the PF Chang's Rock 'n Roll Half-Marathon in Arizona with in January. Excited does not even begin to describe how I feel about the fact that not only are Mendy and David going to be there, but two of my very best virtual friends who I have known for the past 4+ years but never met are running it, too!!!! I just cannot wait to meet Lisa and Marcy!!!

Okay, enough mushy stuff...onto the rules of the game ;)

-- link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog
-- share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird
-- tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs
-- let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog.

1) I have a brand spanking new obsession that has completely taken over my life. It's called "Coach" and it is serious. I have a few friends that are looking for 12-step programs and are scared. I'm like a crack whore for the "C" :P

2) I can juggle. Not overly well, or for a long period of time, or with any exciting objects. But when my son was 2 or so and needed to be entertained, I taught myself to juggle. Let me tell you, nothing could keep his attention better. Along the same lines, I can do a mean headstand. My kids are so proud of me ;)

3) I have only broke one bone in my life and it was a bone in my foot. It was also a stupid accident that happened in college and I was drunk. I have also only had stitches once, well twice. About 4 years ago I was boating and went to climb off the back of the boat to get in the water (to go to the bathroom - alcohol again involved) and my foot slipped and the prop sliced my shin up pretty good. I think it took somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 stitches to close and about 2 days after I took the stitches out, I busted it back open moving furniture and was fortunate that they re-stitched it.

4) I am a picker. I love to pick at fingernail polish, wallpaper, my poor brother's acne :X It is embarrassing at times.

5) I am a big believer in spirits. I know without a doubt that my son was with me in our living room on Sunday night. I think he is there very often, but on Sunday he made sure I knew it by playing one of his toys (that never goes off like some of the other toys that are uber-sensitive). twice.

6) and I have to add one more because I'm seriously grinning from ear-to-ear....I just got roses. And they are Bee-Ay-You-Ti-Full!!!!!

Not gonna tag anyone, but everyone is welcome to join in the fun!

Statebound Baby!!!!

2007-11-19T09:15:00.000-06:00

The Metamora Redbirds were in their usual form on Saturday and beat Marion to get to the State Championship!!! We had so much fun and have a huge group going to Champaign for State on Friday/Saturday.

My best friend who lives across the street from me (and coincidentally in the backyard of the football field) did breakfast before the game and no "tailgate" is complete without the spiked apple cider and bloody mary's! Needless to say, it got a little wild :X Unfortunately, with all the playoff festivities and then having to come into work on Sunday, the long run that I wanted to get in just didn't happen. But, the overtime from yesterday is going to pay me back today and the plan is just to work a half day today and get in a nice long run before I pick the kids up from school/the sitter's. I can't wait!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday and gets to enjoy a short week :)

Marcelina McG........WE WANT YOU!

2007-11-15T13:49:00.000-06:00

So, get your best naggy-wife voice out and talk Mr. McG into sending you to the half in January.

Because really...Arizona needs you. I need you. Lisa really needs you. And now? Well, now, Mendy & David need you, too.

Just think of all the fun we will have. Actually, since I have never previously done a list on this blog, I think I'll de-virginize the site just for you :0

1) Lisa is crazy. 'Nuff said.

2) We will get to see JavaDad make the faces IN REAL LIFE that Lisa has talked about for all these years.

3) David may be just as nuts as Lisa. For example, he keeps hinting at some insane fact that "it's just $35 to upgrade to the full". Step away from the crackpipe.

4) The weather in Arizona will be so much better than the weather in New York in January.

5) You could buy a new running outfit just for the occasion.

6) Shopping.

7) Even if you walk the whole thing, you will still probably pace the same as Lisa and I.

8) And finally - What kind of bathroom pic would it be without you there holding the camera?

So, all I'm saying is read the list. Mull it over. And then book your flight, dang it!

Just Like Me

2007-11-13T13:09:00.000-06:00

This is the doll that Payton is asking Santa for. She doesn't quite understand that the "Just Like Me" concept is to get a doll that actually resembles you. This one is close, I'll give her that. The hair and eye color are the same, but they also have a doll with bangs that really looks like Payton. Nevertheless, she tells me that she likes this "hairstyle" best. ??? Seriously? Where does a 3-year old learn words like that?

This doll has gotten me thinking of all the ways the kids are just like me. Payton has times where she looks so much like me, it's just scary. Last night she put on a zip-up sweatshirt and kept asking my mom "Don't I look JUST like my mom?" LOL (Hey - no making fun of the sweatshirts...they're comfy :P) The worst part, however, is how much she acts like me. And not usually the good characteristics :X When she is mad (the kid has one helluva temper) she will stand, glaring at us and grit through her teeth how she is "So.Pissed.Off" Her language has some slips when she's angry, too. Guess that would be another thing we have in common :X I honestly just look at her, shrug my shoulders and say "Me too, sister, me too." When we are "disagreeing" she will decide that we aren't talking to each other, which can last for a while. And, again, it is usually just fine by me. It also never fails that once the rage has passed, she will just sob and feel so horrible for her actions. She will tell us over and over that she is "sorry for everything". Some days, it is like looking in a mirror all day long.

Then there is Jack. He has some of the same hystrionics (sp?) that Payton and I have, but for the most part I think his character is much more in line with his dad's. Pretty laid back and easily bossed around ;) Just kidding, but Jack really doesn't stand much chance with Payton and I in the same house. But last night completely proved that he is definitely my son. He had spent a long weekend with his dad. Being Veteran's Day weekend, the school combined parent/teacher conferences and the kids ended up getting a 5-day weekend. As we were leaving his dad's house, he reminded Jack to take something with him. This object was wrapped in styrofoam and I could tell it was probably something he made.

So, we get to the car and I ask what it was (even though I figured it was some kind of gift for me) and he tells me it is my Christmas present. I immediately started laughing. I mean, come on, if nothing else, everyone knows that neither Jack or I can keep a gift a secret. At all. Not even for a day. Within 3 minutes of leaving Brian's house, Jack had already slipped and told me that it was a plate (which led to uncontrollable laughter from me and angry tears from him) and within 30 minutes of finishing dinner at my grandma's he had unwrapped it and given it to me :X It's unfair really. We just can't hold our excitement in. We are the worst gift-givers ever and if I could tell him that there was no Santa, they would have all of their presents by Thanksgiving every year.

Fortunately we probably have another year or two, as it doesn't look like Jack will stop believing in Santa Claus until his rotten sister tells him the truth :P

Time to Start Knocking on Wood

2007-11-12T16:03:00.000-06:00

Remember just Friday when I said that there was nothing much in the plans for the weekend? When, oh when am I going to learn my lesson and stop saying things like that? This weekend was so packed full that I barely remember what happened last week :P I had that little thing to go to with my friend Friday night and then was informed at nearly midnight that my brother had decided he would much rather have me drive him to get his lasik surgery than my mother. What does that mean? Well, that means that Miss Payton and I took a trip to Chicago at 7 a.m. Saturday morning and were gone until about 4:30 p.m. or so. We didn't have any concrete plans for Saturday, so it really didn't cause any problems, just was not something I had even halfway considered having to do. But, she and I did get to take our first shopping trip in the Windy City together and we hit up American Girl Place. Let me tell you, that place is INSANE! I swear most of those women were on crack, or maybe they just funnel it through the vents, but I have never seen so many grown women clutching dolls in my life! It was a pretty cool store though. Payton's bitty baby is the proud owner of a new outfit and a snowsuit! ROFLMAO Payton was also able to pick which doll she wants to ask Santa for and also checked out all of the outfits. By the way, her favorite - the karate outfit :P I have no idea.

Sunday was another busy day and basically what I am trying to say is that I sucked and was unable to get a run in all weekend :(

Tonight, however, it's a date :)

Finally Friday!

2007-11-09T08:46:00.000-06:00

Hurray for Friday! This week has been an emotional overload to say the least. I could not be happier to see it end. So far I have gotten all my scheduled runs in. Tuesday's 3.5 felt pretty good, but yesterday's 4 miler was rough.

I got to skip out of work early yesterday to meet with Jack's teacher for parent/teacher conferences. She had nothing but great things to say about him, which was so nice, and she seems to really enjoy having him in class. He LOVES this teacher. I actually think he has a crush on her. She is really into sports and her husband plays hockey, which makes her almost as cool as his mom ;)

After the conference I decided to run and just take off on a new route. I ran out of town and my left shin was just screaming. By the time I was back home, I had ice on my shin, ankle and knee. It was not pretty, but at least done :P I even got in a quick nap before my mom brought the kids back home and we had dinner and woke up feeling completely rejuvinated and refreshed. Just what the doctor ordered :)

Not much in the plans so far this weekend. I have a visitation to go to tonight after work and then some VIP party to go to with a friend who is in the running to win some kind of trip (not really sure what it is all about, but should be fun). Hopefully the wind will cooperate tomorrow and Payton and I can rake/burn leaves and do some cleaning. Have a great Friday everyone!

Cheating

2007-11-06T14:52:00.001-06:00

I have done a crappy job of posting lately, and other than just being busy as could be this weekend, I have no real excuse :P I decided early Friday afternoon that I wanted to paint my living room, so between Friday and Saturday night, I now have a nice warm, cozy, pumpkin-colored room that is so much more comfortable than the blank white walls were. I also got a 6-mile run in on Saturday afternoon that went freaking awesome! I felt so good afterwards and really think I could have done at least another mile or two, but didn't want to push it and risk any injuries this early on in the half training....so, since I don't really have much else to talk about, I got this from a friend late last week and finally took the time to read it today. I really agree with it and think you all will, too. There are so few things in our lives that can't be changed...and life is too short to worry about things that really don't matter anyway.

FORTY TIPS FOR AN

EXCEPTIONAL, SUPERB, AND POWERFUL LIFE

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a PVR/TIVO, tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to ___________ today."

5. Live with the 3 E's: Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2006.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk, and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.”

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

May your troubles be less,

May your blessings be more.

And may nothing but happiness come through your door!

1st of the Month

2007-11-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

It seems like for the past few months, the first (or close thereto) always has me thanking you guys for all your support. Obviously, the end of the month is my rough time :P So, without sounding like a broken record, but more importantly, to not let all of your wonderful words of kindness and support go unnoticed......THANK YOU! It really does mean the world to me and I don't ever want to take it for granted.

I need to go for a run tonight, but this week has worn me ragged...I am playing with the idea of running tomorrow night and then doing my 6 miles on Sunday instead of Saturday, like I had originally planned. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense anyway since we have a birthday party to go to on Saturday and I also told one of my bosses that I could be available for last minute help on Saturday. This way I can just go home, relax, fold laundry and enjoy not running in a million directions for once this week.

I do have a dog question (which probably has most of you grimacing right now), but I have been doing a lot of research and am leaning towards a Bichon Frise right now. Does anyone have any experience or knowledge on them? I would love any positives and negatives you can give me. Or even any good websites that I may have missed in my massive search that has been taking place of working lately :X

I'm going to try to get a pic of the kids in the Halloween gear from last night up later tonight, too. Since the great crash I have been nervous about putting any pictures on the new computer, but I know I need to get over that already ;)

That Call

2007-10-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

This morning I got the call that I have been wanting and dreading for the past 3 1/2 months or so.

It came from the attorney that is having Kruex's case reviewed.

It was the call that confirmed that my son died 7 months ago tomorrow for no good reason.

I honestly thought I was ready for it. I really did. I knew that it was true. I knew the ER doc missed everything that was in front of him. But I suppose there was always some sort of hope in the back of my mind that I was wrong. That I really didn't know and that they really did do everything they could have done to save my baby. I don't want it to seem like I am ungrateful for what the doctors, surgeons and nurses in the Peds ICU did, because they saved his life everyday for 7 days. It was the ER doctor who did nothing for 8 hours. The one that assumed my child had the flu and that I was a mother overreacting. I haven't talked much about what happened here yet and I will try to give some of the story.

When I was 32 weeks pregnant, my water broke. I was put in the hospital and I ended up going 10 days on complete bed rest before my labor actually started. Kruex was born on June 15, 2006. He was just shy of 6 pounds, which was pretty good for not even being at 34 weeks gestation. He was taken to the Level II nursery (not nicu, but not the regular one either). He never needed oxygen and his lungs were fully developed. He had the typical preemie roller coaster and actually developed Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC). NEC is an infection that attacks the intestines. At its worse, it can cause death of part of the bowels, which would require removal. His was caught before it got to this stage. This was definitely our biggest challenge and the problem that kept him in the hospital for 4 weeks following his birth. Prior to his discharge, I specifically asked the neonatologist if there could be any further complications from the NEC. He said no. I asked more directly if I needed to pay attention when he started on solid foods. He said no. I asked, again, in comparing Kruex and my other two kids, who has a better chance of having a problem. And HE TOLD ME THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE IN RISK FACTOR.

So, on 7-13-06 Kruex came home. And everything was wonderful. He was an amazingly easy-going baby. No unnecessary crying. He even slept through the night pretty normally from about 4 months on (something his big sister still has issues doing :P) I have never been one to start solids early. I breastfeed the kids for a year, and until they get some teeth or are able to eat with the rest of the family, I really don't worry about cereal, baby food and all that jazz. So, Kruex had had his occasional treat through the mesh feeder, some baby food fruit here and there just so he felt like he was part of dinner, but never anything with any normalcy. I took him to my pediatrician for his 9 month checkup on a Friday. He was hungry and I hadn't nursed him for 3 or 4 hours when they did the weight check. His weight was a bit low. He was definitely on the smaller side, always had been since he was born. But, then again, Payton was always smaller, too, so I really never worried. My pediatrician said I needed to start feeding him cereal twice a day. And I could add veggies/fruits for another meal if I wanted to. That was on Friday.

The next Wednesday, both Kruex and Payton woke up with fevers. I called my mom to come keep them while I worked and Kruex would not eat or drink anything. Payton felt pretty good. Kruex was lethargic when I came home from work. He laid on me all night long and really didn't want to eat, but I kept trying to get him to nurse. Finally, before he went to bed he ate. And then again during the middle of the night. After that feeding, he vomited all over me. I decided to stay home with him on Thursday and by 10 a.m. I called the doctor. He had vomited twice and I couldn't keep anything in him. I was very concerned that he would dehydrate. The doctor's office couldn't get him in until 3 p.m. and since he was so small, I didn't think he should wait that long, so they suggested I just take him to the emergency room. Mom came to keep Payton and Kruex and I went to the hospital. We were admitted by noon and I honestly can't remember if I even actually saw the doctor on duty. I was convinced that it was a flu since Payton had the same fever the day before and was mainly concerned that he was dehydrated.

He didn't have the flu. He wasn't dehydrated.

He had an intestinal blockage and he was going into shock.

Probably the most important part of the story is that he was born in this same hospital. They had every one of his medical records at their fingertips. I gave them a good verbal history...to at least 5 different people while we were there. I said the word "NEC" at least 20 times. They should have at least ruled it out. And they didn't. They should have moved him to a room with more monitoring from the ER. He was put in peds general and by 6 a.m. hands/feet/groin area was completely black and blue from it shutting down on him. He went through 7 surgeries in 5 days and fought through everyone because I asked him to. I honestly believe that he finally died because I told him he could. I told him that I would be okay and that he didn't have to keep going for me.

I have never doubted the amount of love I had for that kid, but I honestly didn't think that I wasn't ready for the phone call I got today. I suppose that was a stupid thing to think. How could I have ever been ready for it?

TGIF!!!!

2007-10-26T12:04:00.000-05:00

Oh wow has this been a long week. I really thought that I had nothing other than a run and church in the plans for this weekend, but it is slowly filling up. And I'm really not that excited about it. The end of the month seems to be tough around here. It is logical since Kruex died on the 30th, but then add in the full moon (which has happened in the last few days) and my wonderful monthly visitor :P and the end of the month just really blows.

The running/exercising has been doing much better this week than the last two. I haven't decided if I am going to go for a 4ish mile run tonight or just wait and do 5-6 tomorrow. If I do run tonight I think I will wait until Sunday for the long(er) run. Yoga needs to become a priority again, too. Especially now that the weather has turned colder, I think it will be really beneficial to spend some good quality time stretching and breathing. I am having a lot of problems with my calves cramping after running. I am pretty sure it is just a hydration/stretching issue, but part of me is a bit nervous since I started back on birth control in the last month. I always worry just a bit about blood clots since they were so common with my grandpa. Stupid, probably, but still just a nagging concern.

Halloween is just around the corner! I'm one of the moms in charge of Jack's class party and everything seems to be under control. Well, everything except for the fact that we still haven't gotten Jack's costume yet. I ordered one three days ago and last night got an email to let me know they canceled my order because it was out of stock by that time :P So, he found another that he actually liked more and I cut my left arm off and mailed it to them to pay the retarded amount of shipping that they charged me to get it here by Tuesday. I just really hope it makes it. I think this is the first year that he has *really* wanted to be something. He is going as Elvis and Payton is going to be a 50's girl. Although, she will tell you that she is going to be a "10-year-old girl" because she can't remember 50's ;)

Good luck to all the racers this weekend! An extra big shout to Wendy who is running MCM this weekend! She is totally ready and is going to knock its socks off :) Well, unless her dad asks what took her so long, and then she will probably knock his off instead ;)

Running with the Kid

2007-10-24T08:51:00.001-05:00

Why is it that some weeks fly by and then there are those that just drag on seemingly forever? This feels like one of those weeks, but I am sure since we are at the halfway point now it will be Monday again before I know it. Payton stayed with my mom on Monday and Tuesday, so last night Jack and I took advantage of the beautiful weather and the fact that mom was bringing Payton home to get a run in before they got there. I realized on Monday that the FOLEPI 4 miler is the Saturday after Thanksgiving, which means only about a month or so and I should probably not torture the poor kid by making him just run 4 miles cold turkey. He did well, as I expected. I think we got in about 3 miles and were going to keep going, but then I got the most horrid cramp in my side (actually it was more in my diaphragm) and I could barely even get a breath when we were about two blocks from home. So, we called it good and met the rest of the family uptown for dinner. Poor kid woke up this morning with sore legs :(

Everything is all set for Phoenix in January. Airline tickets are booked. Hotel is booked (as of yesterday :)) and Race is registered for. I am starting to think that I may have lost my mind when I decided to do this, but I figure I will finish my sheer determination if nothing else :P I am just looking forward to getting out of Illinois in January!

She's Gone

2007-10-22T08:56:00.001-05:00

The dog is outta here! She was returned to my mom's friend Friday night. Mom fibbed a bit and told her that the original owner had to take her back if she was going back to the humane society, which worked out nicely. It was a nice weekend. I cleaned like my ass was on fire on Saturday to get all the hair and dog smell out of the house and then Sunday was packed full of family stuff. We have decided that when we do get a dog it is going to be so small that for it to actually get on the couch, it will have to be put there. The kids know everything that is going on, but it still hasn't stopped Payton from asking, EVERY DAY, "Are we getting a little doggie today?" :P

I'll run over lunch today and update later. Have a good Monday everyone. I would have preferred to stay in bed ;)

I Think I'll Take Up Juggling

2007-10-18T14:28:00.001-05:00

Ugh. It was one of those runs today.

The kind of run where I decided that instead of actually running the 1/2 in Arizona with everyone, I will just go and enjoy the weather, drink beer and provide lots of cowbell for everyone who is actually running.

Just too distracted today, I think. And I probably should have gone outside instead of on the track. It is too easy to get pissed and just walk off the track. At least outside, I would have had to run back to where I started from.

The dog issue has me worked up. I feel guilty, but not guilty enough to continue to make my daughter have to come with me in the bathroom everytime I have to go because I am scared to leave her unattended with the dog. And I am angry. Angry at my mom's friend who knew exactly what the problem with this dog was before she pawned her off on me and my small children.

So, that's my day in a nutshell. I will spare you all from further tirades on the subject :X

Dogs and Kids - Any advice welcome!

2007-10-16T15:31:00.000-05:00

You guys really give the best advice! Thanks for all the help and the encouragement on the pup. We did end up getting a dog over the weekend. She kind of fell into our laps and I am actually trying to figure out if she is a dog that is going to work out or not. A friend of my mom's adopted a Chow from the pound about a month ago and basically pawned it off on us without much warning about her temperment or disposition. She is really a very good dog and it is just a matter of figuring out if I can get her to recognize who the boss is (ME! not her) as to whether or not she is going to be able to stay or not. If it weren't for Payton, it wouldn't even be a question. We would just patiently make it work, but with Payton in the picture, I need to be sure that the dog is not going to act aggressively towards her. I have committed to giving her a full week (unless you all tell me that is not nearly enough time to get her figured out) to listen to me, less if she is openly aggressive. I have a few tricks up my sleeve to try and I really would like to give the dog the benefit of the doubt as I would hate to take her back to a shelter :( Unfortunately, my mom's friend knew all of this and still didn't think twice about sending her into a house with a 3 year old, and I am just very frustrated that some people can be that irresponsible.

The kids are already in love and the dog is crazy about Jack. I don't know if it is his attitude or that he is a boy or a bit bigger, but she just loves him and the feeling is mutual. So, if anyone has any good tips for training Chows, please don't hold back. So far, the only thing that I am very much against is spanking or hitting the dog. From what I have read, Chows do not take kindly to this and it can really turn things bad quickly. I am trying to figure something else out and would also, if at all possible, rather not use a spray bottle because I would like to be able to spray detangler/odor crap on her coat as it needs lots of attention and I really don't want her scared of a spray bottle.

Other than that, running is going well. My breathing is really coming along well, which makes me so happy, but my shins are just screaming at me. They would probably love me more if I would drop some of this stupid weight that I seem to be holding onto just in case food becomes extinct :P One of these days it will all fall into place, right?

Bedwetting, Cramps & Puppies, OH MY!

2007-10-11T08:48:00.000-05:00

My darling daughter is wetting the bed. A lot. Normally, this would not be blog-worthy, but she is also wearing pull-ups (generics, not name brand) to sleep in and quite frankly, I would probably be doing just as well to wrap her in paper towels. At least it would save some money.

The other issue I have with the nighttime wetting is that, unlike my son, she can't seem to sleep through it, but she also doesn't actually wake up. So, what we have is constant crying/whining until I go into her room. Get her up and literally put her on the potty. Really irritating. I have made her cut back on the milk before bed, but haven't completely cut her off from it. I suppose that is going to have to be next (and back to name brand pull-ups in a bigger size) if I ever want to hope to sleep through the night again.

I went for a run last night. Just a tad short of 4 miles. The run felt great. It is COLD here! Once I stopped running and walked home for my cool-down, my calves started cramping like nobody's business. I had stretched really well before running and again after, so I have no idea what is going on. I'm thinking it must have to do with the cold. But all through the night, my shins and calves took turns screaming at me.

On to what has my eye twitching and my stomach rolling...puppies! The kids and I have been talking for a while about getting a dog and I have been doing some browsing (prefer to get one from a shelter or from someone who just can't take care of it), but yesterday afternoon, one of my bosses sent a firm-wide email with 6 baby labs that someone had found on the road that needed homes. I have had a black lab before and really was not thinking along those lines this time - something much smaller. But that email just sent me over the top and I decided I would take one. However, fate stepped in and they were all claimed in a very short amount of time. Apparently I am not the only sucker ;)

But that has not stopped me from deciding that the time is now and I am pulling my hair out over what kind of dog we want and where to find one, yadda, yadda, yadda. I think I have finally decided what we should get and it is all just a matter of "wait and see" until I hear back on any of my leads!

Roller Derby

2007-10-08T13:36:00.001-05:00

When I was in grade school, they would have rollerskating in PE for a week or two each year. I was never any good at rollerskating. Some of my friends were amazing. They would go fast, forwards, backwards, spin in circles. I always wanted to be able to skate like that, but no matter how much I tried, apparently I just wasn't born to skate. It happened again in college when the big rollerblading fad went around. It's almost like I have a "lazy leg" or something. I have just never been able to get much cooperation out of one side of my body when it comes to skating or skiing even.

Today, I went to the track to run. After 2 miles, I stopped to walk for an 1/8 of a mile or so and had the same type of feeling in my right leg. It was just strange. Unnatural, actually. I was having to actually concentrate on picking it up, bending at the knee and placing it back on the ground again. Super strange. Has anyone else ever had that happen? I ended up walking a 1/4 mile instead and then started running again and the feeling seemed to go away with running. I made sure to stretch well when I was done and didn't notice that stupid sensation again as I walked back to the locker room. Who knows what it was. I have been feeling *mentally* detached lately. Maybe it was just some kind of extension from that ???

Not sure what is going on with my leg, but now I want to try to find my rollerblades :P

Thank You!

2007-10-03T09:11:00.000-05:00

Oh man, guys! Thank you so much for all your support and kind words. It really means so much to me. The weekend actually got a lot better. I went up to my mom's on Friday night and hung out with my brothers and cousins. It was just what I needed. I even went for an early morning run on Saturday morning with one of my cousins and she helped me soooooooo much with my breathing and how to tackle hills, how to hold my arms, etc. It was awesome. Saturday was another family day and then on Sunday Payton and I hit church and then went to get Fall decorations with my friend and ended the day with a cookout at home.

It is funny, but on those days that seem to have some sort of significance, like Kruex's birthday - or Sunday - the 6 month date since he passed, cooking out with the family seems to be just what I need. It was good. My grandma came, which I was so thankful for. She hasn't been having an easy time since Grandpa died either. I really need to make a better effort to be there for her. We are seeing her at least once a week, but I feel like I need to do more.

I had a really good run last night. It was raining and the kids were with my friend and I think it may have been one of the best runs I have had yet. I figure it was somewhere between 3.5 to 4 miles. If it weren't for responsibilities, I think I could have easily gone another mile and maybe even more. Not long for most of you, but for me, that is pretty impressive :P

Pretending

2007-09-28T16:14:00.000-05:00

This has just been a tough week. Period. Sunday is *6 months* and while I knew it would be hard, I had no idea just how hard it was going to be. The last 3 days have not been great and I doubt the next two (at least) will be much better. So, pretty much, this is an "I'm sorry my blogging sucks" post.

I don't know if any of you watched Ugly Betty last night, but the ending just broke my heart. Betty's sister's fiance was shot at the end of last season and during the whole episode it showed Hilda and Santo in her bedroom, basically her keeping him in bed under lock and key to keep him safe after being shot. Everything was white and light in the room, they talked about their upcoming marriage, she showed him her dress, he showed her his vows. It was all very touching and the whole point was that she was keeping them both "safe" so nothing bad happened again. In the final scene, Betty knocked on the door and entered the room to ask if Hilda wanted to come help make dinner. Hilda was alone in a dark room in bed and told Betty that "he isn't coming back" and admitted that was the first time she has said as much out loud.

From the previous few days that I have had, that was all I needed. The flood gates opened and it just made me realize what I would give to be able to just "pretend" it all away. I wish I could just lock myself in my room, hide under the covers and spend everyday with my baby. But I can't. And I do know that. And I will feel better again. Just maybe not today. And maybe not tomorrow. But it will be soon. Because whether I want to or not, I have to.

Preoccupied

2007-09-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

I think I am in a blogging funk. Ever had one? Ugh, I sure seem to be. I got a whole lot of nothing. I did run last night. It was okay. Hot and humid. But done.

I actually think part of my lack of blogging fodder is that my days and nights have been consumed with my boys in blue. If there are any other Cubs fans out there, you know as well as I that there just have not been that many reasons for celebration in the last few, or 99 years :P Actually, that's not true. 2003 was a good one. And before that, there were some really fun times in the mid-80's that I remember with great fondness. I believe I was around 8 years old. My mom and neighbor dressed all the scarecrows in the yard (in her defense it was October, but still...scarecrows????) in Cubs paraphernalia, hung banners, had us kids make banners and posters and just overall Cub-ed out our house/yard. It was a lot of fun and was probably when I really got into sports, especially baseball. I've been hooked ever since.

Normally, the Cubs are just good for taking up about 6 months of viewing time on my television, with the occasional water cooler discussion about how much they suck and why, or why can't we get some decent pitching help in there and then once football season rolls around, I welcome it with open arms. But this year, my dear, dear Cubbies are actually looking pretty darn great and may actually get a post-season series or two out of it after all. So, October, here we come and with the unfortunate spectacle that is this I know that I am thankful to have something to stop the pain for a while more.

Yeah, Grossman, we're just as disgusted.

Sorry, but I've gotta do something to make my eyes stop bleeding.

That'll do it. Now if we can just get him to sack his own quarterback.

Workouts and Breakdowns

2007-09-20T15:47:00.000-05:00

It should really be Friday. Why isn't it Friday already?

Honestly, this week has just been exhausting so far. Between workouts and breakdowns, rashes and runs, then throw in the mandatory cooking and cleaning and this lady needs a break! Unfortunately, it just doesn't look like one is coming anytime soon. Over lunch, we did upper body and I have already promised my neighbor/friend that I would run with her tonight, so we'll add another 3 or so miles to this tired body. Tomorrow I may just take the day off. My problem, however, is I am easily talked into going to the gym over lunch. All Kathy has to do is look at me and say "you goin'?" and I'm hooked. Easy, I tell ya, too easy. Tomorrow night there is a football game. Saturday morning another football game (JFL this time) and then an auction to go to.

I have never mentioned this before, but I heart auctions. Like truly, madly, deeply. I am probably more dangerous at an auction than I am at a casino. And I have to tell you, that one time I went into a casino - no good came out of it :( So, I am totally stoked to see what kind of awesome treasures these people had hidden in their attic, shoved in a corner of the basement or just thrown in a junk drawer that I feel I can't live without! Oh, then if there wasn't a run on Friday, there will be one on Saturday at some point, too. I have also been invited to go to Oktoberfest Saturday night, which should be fun, but there is one person that I am not overly looking forward to having to spend the evening with. But she is only one out of a big group that is going and I really shouldn't let it stop me, especially when the babysitting is already set up.

Oh, and then I really would like to spend Sunday doing some cooking since I ran across this awesome blog and really want to try the lasagna and a few of the other recipes for meals next week. Plus, I think it would be a good activity to do with the kids if they feel like helping.

On another note, I signed Jack up for a grief camp two weeks from Saturday called Camp Courageous. It is a full day at a camp where they will have support groups, crafts, sports and horseback riding. I think I need a camp like that. I would do so much better in that kind of setting than just sitting around in a circle crying. Oh, who am I kidding? I just want to go horseback riding :P

My Daughter

2007-09-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

She's 3. And she is already so many things. She is 50% theatre and 50% nurturing. My dream for her is that she will find a stage and make it her own and then settle down and have 12 kids. I truly think she will need both of those things to be complete in life. Her imagination and antics are limitless, as is her compassion and nurturing capabilities. Most days she stresses me to no end. The little darling, I just want to throttle her.

But then, there are nights like tonight. Nights when she sobs for her little brother like nobody's business. You have to understand, even at 3, she loves the babies at the sitter's more than life itself. And her brother was HER baby. Her sole mission in life was to take care of him. To make him laugh and to keep him happy when it was asked of her, and believe me, as a single mom of three, unfortunately, it was asked. She not only rose to the occasion, she excelled. That little boy loved her. And her other brother as well. He beamed when he saw those two and life was good.

I remember after having Payton. Jack was 4, almost 5. I went outside for just a minute to talk on the phone and left Jack "in charge" of her. I could see them through the window and I was almost brought to my knees by the tenderness with which he treated her. With Kruex, multiply that feeling by 100. I had two kids that would do nothing less than love and protect their little brother. The feeling was just priceless.

So, while I understand that I have to suffer this loss, and I even understand that I have to get my other kids through it. Nights like tonight kill me. I don't know what part of the bargain this falls under. I lost one. I have to go through that and I accept it. Why do I have to watch my darling daughter grieve it too? She is *supposed* to be too young to hurt this much. She is *supposed* to get past it.

But she isn't.

And I'm not either.

And how do I explain to work that I have to come in late because Payton wants to go to the cemetary when we wake up?

Some Things Are Just Better Left to the Imagination

2007-09-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

Like the big dude in the speedo at the pool.

I ran over my lunch hour at the gym. I decided to run inside on the track instead of venturing outside, even though the weather has been much kinder lately (although today was a bit warmer than the last 5 or so days have been), but nonetheless, I didn't want to deal with my ipod and trying to guess how far I was going/had gone. I just knew I wanted to do 3 miles and that was it. I am planning another 2 or so later tonight with my friend that finally got clearance from her doc to start running again, so I didn't want to push it this afternoon. So, after I finish my run, I walked back to the other end of the building to stretch my legs out and happen to glance into the lap pool on my way by (it is down below). That's when I saw him.

I have to say that I try my best not to judge at the gym. I am all about supporting the seriously overweight while I am running around the track. They are out there trying. Same goes for the pool, but I just don't see any sane reason why a 300+ pound man would opt to wear a speedo for his swim workout????? I know that I would not choose to wear a string bikini to an indoor pool (or outdoor for that matter, but that's another story) to swim laps and just cannot seem to wrap my mind around that fashion choice. But, I guess, at least he was out there doing it and to each his own. Right?

On to more exciting news. My daughter got a new imaginary little sister this weekend. Her name is Susan, but, as Payton says, you can call her Susie. She is 2-years-old and kind of the little mischief-maker :P I had to *pretend* wash her hair and then put it in a *pretend* ponytail. Then we went to a friend's for a cookout and the little turkey jumped in the pool and Payton made my friend's 12-year-old son *pretend* jump in after her! The girl obviously has too much time on her hands - either that or she needs more friends :P

Demons

2007-09-13T22:39:00.000-05:00

When we were growing up, often times when we would drive my mom nuts, she would say "Go run around the block a few times". I can't count the number of times I have said a variation of the same thing to my kids. Go run around the house. Go round around the _______. Whatever. The meaning was always the same. You have too much energy and are making me crazy. Go run it off! Tonight, I have come to realize that is what running is to me. It is running all these thoughts, memories, whathaveyous out of my head. I need it. Almost as much as I need food or air right now. It helps me stop wallowing. When I know I would. I need to run tonight. But the kids are in bed. And, unfortunately, I would rather not have them go to foster care and end up in county because I decided the demons in my head where more important than the demons in their beds. But it is nice to finally realize the reason why I run.

Taking Care of My Baby

2007-09-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been MIA for a little while. On Friday, my Grandpa George passed away. It was sudden. But not. It was awful. But not. There have been so many mixed emotions over the past few days and thankfully I have a counseling appointment this morning to get to talk some of it out.

I got a call from my mom at about 2:00 p.m. on Friday telling me that my grandpa fell off the combine and died. They actually think it was a massive stroke or heart attack, but since there was no autopsy, we don't really know. He ate lunch, teased my grandma that the biscuits were too hard, laid down for a few minutes (which was very uncommon) and then went back out to the farm with my uncle. My uncle dropped him off at the combine, went to hook up the wagon and then was going right back to help my grandpa into the combine. I guess Grandpa didn't want to wait because when my uncle returned, he was laying on the ground with no pulse and wasn't breathing. He started CPR immediately and the ambulance came. He never regained any signs of life.

Since Kruex passed away in March, Grandpa has been going downhill. He has said many times that he thought it should have been him that died instead. We are thankful that he didn't have a stroke that left him either bed-ridden or hospitalized. He would not have been happy with that at all. We are thankful that he wasn't actually driving the combine when it happened and taken the chance of hurting someone else. And we are very thankful that he also was able to die doing what he loved the most. There are so many things that I will miss so much about my Grandpa. We were so close. But I finally decided last night that the thing I will miss the most is the twinkle in his eye.

They had just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and it is a wonderful weight off of me to know that we were all together with no negative feelings. We had a full weekend of family and it was so nice. It was wonderful to be able to reconnect with a family that we had lost touch with. And I know there is nothing that would make Grandpa happier. I also know without a doubt that my baby is now getting to know my Grandpa. Something that has been so important to me for so long. So, my request to my Grandpa is - Teach Kruex to play ball. Teach him to play cards. And take him for a ride in the tractor.

I love you Grandpa.

Oh My Raging Hormones!

2007-09-06T15:39:00.000-05:00

Alright kids, I don't know what the deal is lately, but I am like a dog in heat (Marcy/Lisa zip it :P) So, is it the fact that last week I *tapered* - for what, I'm not sure, but it just sounded better than saying fat, lazy slob - and then made my return to the world of exercise with some crazy runs/cross training this week? Or the endorphin rush from the workouts (but I have to say I have not had it to this degree since I began running before)? Or the slight modification in my diet to try to boost my workouts? Or is it just the darn heat and humidity getting to me?

I honestly have no idea, but I have to say - I'm not really complaining. Men are looking like candy to me these days and it's got me all flushed. In a good way. The only problem is - soon, I will be one of those dirty old men that just goes to the gym to check the hot bodied co-eds :P Not good, my friends, not good at all.

So, I wanted to do another run today, but I was worried about my shins, and rightly so. I mentioned yesterday that I had not done 2 days in a row of running since last Fall, well I knew that 3 days was probably just asking way too much. So, I went to the gym with a plan. I would commit to a mile on the track and depending on how my legs were feeling either keep going or hit the stationary bike for the remainder of the workout. A mile came and I went. The legs weren't feeling horrible, but my shins weren't overly enthused to keep going. I just figured better safe than sorry and hit the bike. 30ish minutes and 7 miles later, I called it a workout.

I am planning on an off day for tomorrow. At least no gym over lunch since I really need to run some errands instead, but I do need to do some core work and keep saying that I am going to get back to doing yoga on a nightly basis, so you never know!

So Many Decisions Made Today!

2007-09-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

Wow! It has been such a crazy fun day today! I have decided to do this and could NOT be more excited about it! I have been DYING to meet Lisa from the first day I talked to her on-line and hopefully we can get Marcy out there, too! I have decided on this half-marathon training plan that txrunnergirl is using and I think I can do it. I did another 3 today over lunch, which is the first time I have gone back-to-back days of running since last fall. So, my plan is to just majorly build base between now and 10 weeks out from the half and then follow the plan. I figure if nothing else, at least I will be on a training plan during the holidays! LOL

But here is my question...the plan calls for two days of cross-training. What counts as cross-training? Anything? I know that biking and swimming do. What about weight training? Does it have to be cardio? Help me out. I feel like Lisa with the questions :P

The other major thing that I have been doing today is planning an office party (I am such a hard worker :P) We decided that we are going to have one of those "How to Host a Murder" parties and I am so excited, I about peed my pants :P We found one that is *lawyer-themed* and perfect! After reading about all of them, it makes me just want to start having parties left and right.

Family Fun

2007-09-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

It has been such a nice long weekend. I got out of the house Friday night. The kids stayed with my dad, which is the first time since Kruex was in the hospital, when there was no choice but for them to stay wherever was available. They had a really good time and Payton even asked to go back again on Saturday night. That is so unlike her! She has a VERY hard time leaving me for any amount of time. So, it looks like just maybe I will get a chance to start having a sitter for the kids more often. This will be a good thing for me and I really need to try to take advantage of that on a semi-regular basis.

Saturday morning I got a haircut and then the kids and I hung out with my mom for most of the day. Just nice and quiet. Nowhere to be, nothing pressing to do. It was good. Payton and I went to church Sunday morning and then decided to head to the grocery store to have a cookout that night. My friend was getting back from New York and it was her birthday so I figured if they weren't doing anything we would have them over. So, it ended up being a really fun night. Lots of laughing, eating and drinking and the kids all had a ball. I ended up with 4 kids spending the night Sunday night and then took them all swimming yesterday. Nice, easy weekend.

But I was bad and did no running, so today was back to the grind. Ended up doing just over 3 1/2 miles and finished strong, but about halfway through I really wanted to quit. I felt so strong when I started (probably due to the *taper* :P) but then got a horrible side stitch and just couldn't lose it for over a mile. I really just wanted to throw in the towel and just start over tomorrow, but I managed to push through and am really glad that I did. I also know I really need to start getting my miles up there if I am going to really consider a half in January. The plan is to start building some miles and see how I am feeling. I am just not sure if I really have the desire to run long races. Maybe just to do one, but I don't want to get myself where I am constantly looking at running as such a chore. Hopefully it will get to be a little more fun as I get myself into better shape...or at least I can dream, right? :P

It's Raining Men!

2007-08-31T13:41:00.000-05:00

This, my friends, is what my best friend Jennifer got to sit directly behind at the US Open last night. She's a twit. It so should have been my seat since I was supposed to go with them. But, then again, I probably would have ended up being escorted off the premises for *accidently* spilling beer on his neck just to get to lick it off :P I don't know what it is, but something about all the dirty, nastiness really gets me going.

The second hot man of the day is actually some poor, poor dude that locked himself out of his car. I felt for him. I really did. I have done it so many times that my used-to-be-best-friend-Jennifer has a couple copies of my car and house keys. One of them she keeps in Peoria (where we work) at all times because I have been known to lock myself out of my car at any number of places, at any number of times. And no, Amy, I checked and they weren't on top of his car either. I did, however, think very hard about offering to help him check his pockets again. He was that cute. And they were big pockets.

So, overall, it has been a good day. Plus, the Powers That Be are even letting us out of work at 3 p.m. today in honor of the long weekend. Now that is very unusual. So, my cubemate Kathy and I are taking full advantage of the extra hours and going for a pedicure and some shopping. Happy Labor Day Weekend All!

You Should Work for Criminals!

2007-08-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

Alright, I understand that some people have a hard time giving compliments. And that men are particularly crappy at them. But this is the one I got from my boss the other day. And he meant it. I mean, really meant it. Like heaped it upon me as if he were telling me that my pants made my ass look hot, or that he could tell I have been working on my arms at the gym lately kind of compliments.

I work for lawyers...who some may think are criminals from time to time. But, I promise, mine are all pretty straight-laced, clean cut, by the book guys...except, of course, for one of my bosses. And he is actually one of the reasons that I was able to get out of bed every morning and actually come to work after Kruex died. The dude is freaking hilarious. You never know what is going to come out next and that works for me.

So he is filing a lawsuit for his soon-to-be-sister-in-law and she lives like 5 hours away. We send her the paperwork to sign and she obviously has the attention span of my 8-year-old and only signs 1 of the 2 lines with her name clearly marked. Thanks to my awesome background in Arts & Crafts, I actually was able to make it cleverly look like she signed both lines and we were able to get it filed.*

And he was so impressed by my talents that he told me "You should work for criminals!" I mean, really, what more could I ask for in a job?

*Just a note that I would not have forged documents for any clients that aren't related ;)

Busy Days

2007-08-28T15:52:00.001-05:00

It has been a busy weekend. I actually got in a 4-mile run Saturday morning, which is nothing for all of you, but it is the longest I have run since I got back into the habit again. Saturday night the kids and I headed to mom's to finish up some anniversary party stuff that she was supposed to do. It ended up being a very l-o-n-g night (but well worth it) and Sunday morning came way too early. We did 9 a.m. church with the grandparents and I really think this was the most long-winded, boring pastor I have heard since the last time I was in a Catholic church :P In one part of his sermon he commented how he was impressed with Peter and his ability to get "right to the point". I just wished it was something he had taken a bit more to heart :X The anniversary dinner was next and it was really nice. Everyone got along really well and it was nice to be in a room with all of my cousins and not feel bitter or irritated by a few of them.

I then had to leave the party at 1 p.m. (kids stayed with my mom) to go to Chicago and see Brad Paisley! Now, country is not always my thing and I have just started to listen to it again, but this was really a great concert. There were 8 of us girls that went together and another friend and her husband met us up there. We had soooooooo much fun and laughed all night long. It was a much needed trip and break from the kids. We didn't get home until after 1:30 a.m. and, with work yesterday, it made for a tiring day, especially with my short sleep the night before.

But today is another day and the plan is to go for a run tonight. My little brother actually called last night to see if I wanted to run with him. I almost ran my car off the road! He has always maintained that running to run is just stupid and he has no desire to just go out and run! LMAO He decided last night that he wants to be in awesome shape for basketball season (which is right around the corner) and thinks that running may be the way to do it. I may just get him to do the Thanksgiving run with me that Jack and I did last year. I think it would be fun to turn that into an annual *family* run.

Congratulations Betty & George

2007-08-24T11:35:00.000-05:00

My grandparents' 60th anniversary party is on Sunday. 60 years. Wow. Sure seems like a long time, don't you think? Also kind of puts into perspective something that has been bothering me quite a bit lately. I only got 9 months. It just seems like the blink of an eye to me. I know it is silly and would/could never happen, but I have had this overwhelming fear of forgetting Kruex lately. Not even just the normal, what he looked like, or felt like, or smelled like, but completely forgetting he was ever here. I would guess it is probably a common fear (or I am seriously losing my mind, which is always a possibility), but it still seems like a dumb thing to be scared of.

So, back to the party. It is really just going to church with them in the morning and then lunch afterwards...pretty much just the immediate family and grandma and grandpa's siblings/spouses. There is some tension with one part of this family. My mom's brother's wife and pretty much all of their kids :P My oldest cousin in that family and his wife actually have a baby that is 8 days older than what Kruex would be. It makes me nervous to see them, to see the baby. But one thing I did decide last night during some *deep* thinking :P is that I really have to forgive these people, my family, so that if, God forbid, something did happen to one of them, Kruex can meet them when they cross without worrying about my anger towards them. I want them to play with my baby. I want the boys to play catch with him and shoot hoops and I want the girls to just hold him and love him. I am sure this sounds crazy and in the grand scheme of things probably really has no bearing anyway, or maybe it is me reverting to that histrionic behavior of making it all about me, but I just feel like if I can let go of my grudges then it surely couldn't hurt anyone else, right?

The verdict seems to be in on the home computer - I think I am pretty much S.O.L. My buddy who knows more than I do (which is not hard in the world of computers) thinks he will be able to get my pics off of it, but probably no way to bring her back to life other than that, which I can live with. I also already have a free replacement from a friend's work. So heck yeah for that!

After much back and forth this morning, we have decided to take the day off today. It will be the first for the week and I like to think I deserve it ;) Gotta get a run in tomorrow though :) Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Wet Paint! errrr...Ink???

2007-08-23T12:03:00.000-05:00

Shortly after Kruex died, I decided I wanted a portrait tattoo. And, of course, because I am totally cool, I naturally wanted Kat Von D to do it. I actually even sent her an email and someone did email me back, but then I dealt with this whole black hole, depression thing and just never pursued it again. So, this weekend I was actually talking to some friends/neighbors about tattoing and asked if they knew anyone who did portraits. The name that came up is actually a friend of mine from high school, which was kind of cool. There are two other tattoos that I also want, so I figured even if I wasn't that keen on his portrait work, he could hook me up with the others. Now, to make it even more ironic, my brother sends me a text this morning saying that he has figured out what he wants on his next tattoo (he has quite a few already) and has decided to go to this same guy! So, after talking to him on the phone about it, we decide that I will call and set something up so we can both go in and talk to him about what we want. While I haven't decided yet if I will have him do my portrait or hold out for Kat :P, it sure is ironic how the world works, don't you think?

All this lead me to start thinking about how certain people are brought into our lives to serve specific purposes. I may have already posted about it before, but while in the hospital, it was clear afterwards that the doctors that were available at the various times were definitely put into my path to help make it a bit easier. Be it through compassion, directness (is that a word??), knowledge or whatever particular character trait they happened to possess, it always seemed to be the exact thing I needed at that exact moment. The way people and ideas seem to have been coming into my life lately (or maybe it just seems like lately since I have finally started paying attention) makes it feel like some well-scripted play or movie. It is also the reason that I have shifted my belief from the statement "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" to "God helps us handle what we are given". I believe the spirits we are put in connection with along our way - and especially during particularly trying times - are God's way of carrying us through our challenges. Kind of deep for someone who recently just *re-discovered* her faith, eh?

I am heading to the gym in a few. The plan is to run, but my shins have been kind of sore, so if after 20 minutes or so they aren't feeling too hot, the backup plan is to finish the workout on the elliptical or bike...whichever strikes my fancy ;)

Keep Breathing

2007-08-21T13:25:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day back to school for my 8 year old. 3rd grade. God, I remember being IN 3rd grade. I loved 3rd grade. Mrs. Cox has always been my favorite teacher. Jack was supposed to have Mrs. Grebner, but just found out last week that they added another class and he was put in with the new teacher. He called today when he got done with school and told me that Mrs. Johns is even better than Mrs. Grebner because under their name tags, she put a cheat sheet! LOL I can't even wait to see what 3rd graders think is cheating ;) After I talked to Jack, Payton had to get on the phone. It's always interesting to talk to her:

P: What are you doing?
M: Going to run.
P: WHAT? (In her best high-pitched, self-righteous voice)
M: I am going to run.
P: When are you coming to get us?
M: After work.
P: WHAT?
M: I am going to the gym to run instead of going to lunch, then I will go back to work and pick you up when I am done.
P: Oh. Okay. Gotta go. Love ya, bye.

She must have thought I was going to the track and really, how dare I think about going there before picking her up? Once she found out I was still in Peoria, I had her approval :P

I really need to figure out this breathing crap. You would think being 30 and all that it would kind of be second nature by now :P So any suggestions would be great...maybe I should get back into my yoga routine. I suppose that couldn't hurt.

Having said that, today's run was the best that I have had for quite some time. I am soooooo not an impressive runner, but 3.5 miles in roughly 35 minutes and I'll take that. I had a 1/4 mile walk break around mile 2.5 and it was definitely better than most of my runs in the past 4 - 6 weeks. I really can't wait until the weather starts to chill out a little bit and I can run outside again. The 1/8 mile track at the gym is great and keeps me off the dreadmill, but there is no comparison to running outside. Robyn mentioned yesterday about running in the rain...I would be all for it, but it probably wouldn't be nice to make the kids sit out in the rain as I run around the track. They would actually most likely enjoy it, but with Payton's nasty cough lately - I would probably fall out of contention for mother of the year :P Speaking of winning awards...there was a definite runner-up at the gym yesterday. This woman had not 1, not 2, but 4!!!!!!!!!! kids with her in the weight/treadmill area. One of which was in a snuggli strapped onto her while she was lifting weights! ??? I mean, seriously, who does that? The other 3 all looked to be between 1 - 3 years and were all over the place. They tried to get on a treadmill with an older woman...were about 2 inches away from the elliptical that their mother was on...and just generally under everyone's feet. Oh, and did I mention the crying? Yeah, that was a fun day at the gym.

Too Little Too Late?

2007-08-20T11:59:00.000-05:00

Aw, the wonders of technology :P I don't know what the heck I did, but my home computer is minus an operating system right now. I have a friend who gave me a recovery disk, but after it does its little scan there is a prompt and for the life of me, I can't figure out what I am supposed to tell it to do. So, until I can either figure it out or talk to someone about it, I have no home internet...and I gotta tell you...it's been hard :P

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update on the guy from the gym...

I did end up talking to him on Friday. He was all about trying to get together on Saturday, so I told him I would see what I could do and let him know. I found a sitter and suggested hitting the batting cages (to his voicemail). No call back until SUNDAY afternoon!!! I let that one go to voicemail and am pretty sure I won't be calling him back anytime soon.

It may be bitchy, but I feel like I really went back and forth about even talking to him in the first place, then I did it, put myself out there and then get this lame-ass message about why he couldn't call back until 2 days later. So, in my opinion, that ship has sailed and it is his loss. Is that wrong?

I'm getting ready to head to the gym in a few. I think we are working upper body today, which is my favorite...maybe if the rain ever stops I will get an evening run in, too.

Just How Much Crazy Does He Deserve?

2007-08-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

So, Gym Guy called on Monday night. I was busy (and cough*screening*cough), so I didn't answer. I let it go to voicemail in which he left a very nice, non-obtrusive message. It ended up being a busy night and I didn't even sit down until around 11 p.m. So, at that point, I didn't want to call back since it was late, but I also didn't want him to think that I was just avoiding, so I sent a very nice, non-obtrusive text message back :P He must have received it because I had another missed call on my phone from him on Tuesday morning (took the kids to Bear's training camp and just didn't hear the phone ring).

In the meantime, I had another counseling appointment. This one was to go over the personality test I took last month. Apparently, I have a histrionic personality. Now for those of you who don't know what histrionic means, fret not. I had no clue either. But the best way to describe it is as a "drama queen". I know, I know...you are all thinking "No way! Not Lori!" Baffling...I agree. (Actually - just between you and me it was actually kind of validating to find out that my moments of insanity are actually because that is how I am and not because I have a chemical imbalance :P)

In talking to my counselor, I was able to realize that this part of my personality is actually only really prevalent with close family and in my relationships...you know that picking-fights-just-to-not-be-bored kind of mindset. I have been working on this even prior to hearing the results of the test, but they just provided further proof that it is something that REALLY needs work and like, sooner, not later.

So, this is what has stopped me in the last day and a half from calling this guy back. Don't worry...my hopes are not high that it will be anymore than a few phone calls, but just in case...doesn't he deserve to not have to be the guinea pig in this stroll through my insanity? Ugh...maybe I am just thinking about it too much, or making stupid excuses to just get out of calling him back because I am a chicken shit.

Home Gyms vs. Public Gyms

2007-08-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

Alright, since I rarely do any exercise-based blogging (which is kind of strange since I spend a decent amount of time actually working out), I figured I would give you all one today :P

I belong to a gym...it's about 1/2 mile from work, which is super convenient, but that also means that it is about 20 miles from home, so not so much on weekends or days off of work. I LOVE it. It has kick-butt machines and just about every kind of weight training device I could think of. There is also a lot of cool classes (that I am still too chicken to try - but I am really into the whole option of them :P) and a killer pool with lessons even geared towards triathletes.

At home, I have next to nothing, but I could do a little work in a pinch. I have an exercise ball, yoga videos, a few free weights, a jump rope, but the best part of home is that I live across the street from the high school track, so there is always an option for a run since the kids can just hang out at the track while I am running.

Now, I will never have a home gym like Marcy ;) but I would really like to at least get an elliptical to give me another cardio option at home. Especially in the winter months when I won't be able to force the kids to sit in the snow just to watch me run :P

How about the rest of you? Do you prefer the Home or Public gym? And what kinds of fun stuff do you have at home? And finally, what else would you REALLY like to have (within reason)?

Stood Up and Asked Out

2007-08-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

Today was busy. I had a *date* with my cellmate, Kathy, for BodyPump at the gym at 9:00 a.m. At 7:30 a.m. she called to say she wouldn't be there. I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to trying BodyPump. For a normal person, this wouldn't have really been that big of a deal because they would have just gone ahead and done it anyway. I, apparently, am not a normal person :P I don't usually think of myself as a shy person, but when it comes to trying something new, I would rather try it with a friend. Um...not so much *rather*, as it is kind of something I *need*. So, since I was already up and dressed in my finest gym attire, I figured I may as well just go and do weights instead. So, since it had already been figured in as a part of my day, I loaded up the kids and off we went to the gym.

I dropped them off at the daycare, do my mile warm-up and then started with some arm work off to the side with the ball. I moved to a couple of the machines in the area with the treadmills and ellipticals and then moved on into the free weight area. I was probably 3/4 of the way done with my workout and was on the machine that is supposed to make your back look like a "V" (even though I have come to the realization that if I ever want to be "V" instead of "I I" I am probably going to have to do a lot more ab work :P) when I noticed a guy who was doing the leg press. This was a big guy and when he started, he had maybe 300 or so pounds on it. Needless to say, I was pretty impressed by that. By the time he was done, he had over 500 pounds that he was doing. What can I say...I'm easy to impress :P In the meantime, I had moved to a leg machine and there I was, minding my own business, when he starts talking. You know...it started with the lame old "Have you been working out here for long? I don't think I have seen you before." and ended with him asking me for my number :O I did give it to him, probably for the same reason that I am too chicken to try BodyPump by myself for the first time, I am also too chicken to say no, plus I figure it is easier to dodge a phone call that I don't want than it is to reject him to his face.

So, all this (other than just being way good for my ego) got me thinking. I am actually a HUGE believer in fate. People always say "everything happens for a reason" when things are not going well, but I actually do believe it. Especially since losing Kruex. I honestly do think that there is a reason for everything...experiences/choices/people are placed in our paths for genuine reasons. Nothing is chance. Everything is a part of a life lesson. So, maybe Kathy standing me up was meant to happen...and maybe this guy will hold another lesson that I am meant to learn. In the same token, I am not saying that *fate* brought us together. Heck, who knows if he will even call...or if I will answer ;)

Perspective

2007-08-09T17:26:00.001-05:00

Today, a fellow blogger wrote about a connecting moment that she had with one of my previous posts. It was a post about irony and how hard it is to realize what we have, or how easy our lives are, until they just aren't anymore. While, I haven't forgotten.....Lord, how could I possibly? She kind of helped to nail it into my head again.

It actually made me realize how much I have actually been thinking about perspective lately. This weekend was the annual Memphis to Peoria St. Jude Run, along with telethon. My friend, I and all our kids went down to the Civic Center to cheer all the runners in. While we were driving the 20 miles to Peoria we were talking about some of the stories of the kids who St. Jude helps. She was telling me the story of a little girl (I think she was around a year) who had a brain tumor and the struggles that her parents went through. She commented to me that she couldn't imagine having to live with those problems. My response was that I wish I could have had that choice. Now, I want to clarify, in no means do I think life would be good or easy to have a child who is that desperately ill. I think it would be stressful and spirit-breaking every step of the way, but you know what? I would have another minute, or hour, or day, or week with my baby. To get to hold him in my arms...I would take absolutely anything I could get.

Toward the end of our week in the PICU, after the 7th surgery, I was told that should Kruex respond, he would have no small bowel at all. The only chance he would have would be a transplant and those types of transplants were neither common, nor all too successful. I looked hard at what the rest of my life would look like and it was absolutely fine with me. I was staring down the barrell of a gun and to have to take the shot in the side of my face instead of my forehead was just fine with me.

Right then and there, in my car on my way to Peoria with my best friend, I realized just how much my perspective has changed over the past 4 months. Believe me, my older two still frustrate me to no end. I still wish they could just stop fighting, stop arguing, stop with the dirty looks and I yell and scream and pull my hair out...but I DO remember to thank God every day that I still have them here to yell at. And I also try to remember to thank Him for every day that I get to be here, too.

With all that said, I heard a song today that really struck a chord. I am a *sometimes* country music fan and my new cubemate listens to it, so I have found myself more drawn to it lately than I have been for quite a while. There is a new Carrie Underwood song out and while the entire song is applicable, this part really drove it home for me:

So easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
And swallows you whole
While you sittin round thinking about what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
Better make it count, cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

So, maybe it is because of Krista's post, or David's recent accident...but I guess the message for the night is to just appreciate. Appreciate what you DO have because it really can be taken away at any moment. I am certain that at the end of our lives we will not be judged on how much we were able to accomplish in this lifetime, but by how kind and loving we were along the way.

Get Her Out of My Head!

2007-08-08T10:01:00.001-05:00

It has been miserably hot here lately. Like open the door and feel like you are stepping into soup, hot. Just gross. But the workouts have continued, even though the blogging took a mini-break. Just haven't had the energy to type lately.

My 3-year-old and I both had dreams about Kruex Sunday night. She came in to my room Monday morning and said:

Her - I snuggled with Kruex-y last night.
Me - Oh, that's so nice.
Her - I told him to snuggle you, too.
Me - You did?! Thank you for telling him that!
Her - Yeah, and I was helping him walk, too.
Me - *jaw on the floor*

That was MY dream! I had a dream that I was holding his hands and helping him walk around the room. I swear one of those two kids are totally in my head and as much as I believe in being able to use dreams as a way to the astral plane, I am more worried that it is actually Payton who is so tuned in to me. It is kind of eerie how well she reads me (and also knows how to push my buttons :P)

Yesterday was upper body at the gym and today I am planning a lunchtime run with maybe a bit of core work after. Hope everyone has a good day :)

To All My Safe Listeners

2007-08-01T21:42:00.000-05:00

This morning I had another counseling session. I haven't been for three weeks, and probably could have used it more last week than this week. We were supposed to go over the results of my personality test that she had me take, but we both forgot and by the time we remembered, it was too late to get into it. So, in two weeks, that is first on the agenda, that is...unless I have something more pressing to deal with first...let's hope it's just a good two weeks. It's always surprising to me how helpful she is...must be because her name is Lori, too ;) No, really though, she is just a good listener and I know that she is also a *safe* listener, which counts tremendously these days. I have never been overly concerned with editing my comments, especially in the last few years and more specifically in the last few months. In my whole cleaning my closet crusade, I have more or less decided that if I couldn't deal with the repercussions of the words that come out of my mouth, then I shouldn't be saying them in the first place. Kind of that whole...if you have nothing nice to say...mantra. So, when I say she is *safe* what I am really referring to is my own shortcomings with showing my vulnerabilities. It is hard for me to look or appear *weak*, even though I know in my head there is nothing *weak* about mourning the loss of your child. It is normal and natural, but wearing my heart on my sleeve is still a hard pill for me to swallow. So much easier out here in blogland. For that, I thank you all for being counted as my *safe* listeners. Bet you didn't know that you are saving my sanity one day at a time :)

I did get a run in tonight. It was hot, humid and the bugs were thick and I was desperately afraid that I was going to choke on a few :P but the run was not horrible, which is good enough for me. The runs are moving ever so slowly in the right direction and I will just pretend that by the time the weather actually doesn't suck, I will be able to run like Marcy ;)

Oh, I almost forgot...my mom decided to keep the kids for another night (which is a HUGE shock in itself), so on my way home from work, I stopped by the LBS to just start doing some window shopping and recon work. They are soooooooo pretty and I am definitely star struck. I guess it gives me something to start a new envelope for! LOL

Work, Weights & Wheels

2007-07-31T20:42:00.000-05:00

It has been one crazy busy day! Work was a madhouse...I don't know what I have told them, but apparently they think I am there to do things other than surf the net :P Nah, actually it was kind of nice to be so busy today, makes time go much faster. Another upper body workout at the gym over lunch followed by an awesome protein smoothie. Followed with a full afternoon of *gasp* work! LOL

I was beat when I picked the kids up and got home, but I needed my mom to keep the kids tonight and tomorrow since I have to be back at the job at 7 a.m. So, threw food towards them, packed bags and back in the car to go to grama's house ;) I decided while I was there that I was going to get my bike in my car one way or another and that I did. So, as soon as I got home, I yanked the kid seat off the back (because really...I like to pretend that I am too cool for that :P) and figured it was now or never. It was moment of truth time, ladies and gentlemen...

Can she still ride a bike?

Will the pedals even turn anymore?

Will she be found hours from now laying in a ditch crying?

No, yes and no. Miracle of miracles, I was able to ride the bike and even turn corners! lol The pedals did turn, but not happily. That poor old guy is hurting...almost as much as the actual poor old guy that I nearly ran over (twice) on the bike/walking trail that I chose to make my maiden voyage on. The brakes squealed so loud that I tried to use them as little as possible...especially whenever people were around. And I know without doubt that it is set up about as wrong for me as it would be for someone 6 inches shorter than me. Just not even close. BUT, that wind blowing in my face was FREAKING AWESOME!!!! I wanna pedal, man! It was a short ride, maybe 5 miles, but I only had about 20 minutes until the sun went down and I knew if I didn't take the opportunity sans children, it may be some time before the chance came around again and I am soooooooo glad I did!

So, to sum it up, I worked my tail off today and am going to drop in bed feeling like it was a good day :)

Fresh Mind = Fresh Body?

2007-07-31T08:45:00.000-05:00

I was an exercise slacker this weekend. I could have met a friend at the gym on Sunday, but she was working out at the same time church was and after last week, church just seemed to be a little more important this week. And it helped. A lot. It is just such a comfortable place, which is so strange to me, being raised in the Catholic church. I would have NEVER used the word *comfortable* to describe church growing up. But I think for my mental health, this was the right choice of a facility to visit Sunday.

So, Monday started with a fresh perspective and a fresh start to the fitness plan. I ran last night and finally felt good when I finished! It was such a relief after the last three runs and how bad they have been treating me...lol. Nothing spectacular, just 2 1/2 miles, but they felt good and actually gave me a little glimmer of hope that maybe I am not a nut for thinking I should even be out there running :P

Today is upper body at the gym - way more my idea of fun ;) and I am still trying to figure out how I can fit in Body Pump at the gym that I have heard such awesome reviews about!

Just Do It

2007-07-26T19:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, so no secret, this week has sucked...not just a little, a whole big nasty week of suck. So yesterday, my cubemate at work told me in no uncertain terms to bring in my gym clothes because we were going to the gym over lunch. Whether I wanted to or not. Thank God for that woman.

I didn't want to right up until she barked at me over her shoulder that she would meet me there. I wanted to run errands instead. I wanted to go to the bookstore, get pruners for the flower beds and run to Target for some toiletries. Since she was out the door so fast I couldn't respond, I had no choice but to pony up and follow her to the gym. It was such a great workout! We did upper body and by the time I got back to the office an hour and a half later (shhhhh) my arms were just tingling.

So the question of the day is....why do we fight going to the gym/going for that run/going to the pool/or going for a ride when we know once it is over we will not only feel so much better physically, but emotionally as well? I mean, my entire posture changes, along with my mindset. It is just so dumb that I make constant excuses when it is actually the best therapy that I have been able to find!

My goal for the next week is no more arguing. Just do it. I like that. Heh, must be why it made them so much money ;)

Blessing in Disguise?

2007-07-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

I did a nice, big, depressing post this morning that Blogger apparently felt you all needed to be sheltered from. Blogger was probably right :P

So, instead you will get this...

Monday night 3.5 miles of pure hell (okay, maybe not the first 1.5, but the last 2 for sure)
Tuesday - I managed to get off the couch and feed my children
Wednesday - I actually made it into the shower and into work. Run on tap for tonight.

So, in a nutshell that is probably all you really needed to know and the amazing vanishing post was good enough to get it off my chest and out of my head.

Nevermind....now they both choose to show up :P

Claustrophobic

2007-07-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

The past few days have been rather heavy. It started with another less than stellar run Monday night that actually ended in quite the impressive breakdown. Surprisingly, though, I actually felt pretty good after losing it and sobbing on the track and thought it was just a little *run therapy* and that I needed to get it out of my system. Apparently, I was mistaken. The darkness continued into my sleep Monday night and with the kids being at my mom's overnight, Tuesday work was just not an option.

I suppose there will be many more days like this, but it still feels like it hits me out of the blue, nonetheless. It has been a hard week when I look back at it. There have been 3 deaths, 2 of which were unexpected. When it comes to sorrow and grief I have always felt like a sponge. I tend to sympathize with the pain of others and these days maybe it just gets to be too big for me to handle. The problem is, however, that I don't know how to stop *feeling* everything so intensely. We also had a visit with my grandma and grandpa Monday night and Grandpa just doesn't seem to be doing so well lately. It seems silly, but Monday night it seemed to hit much harder just how definite this all is. It's like I never really wrapped my brain around the fact that no matter how well I can keep it together, I won't be rewarded with getting Kruex back.

This has always been a problem for me. I have always thought if I were the smartest, or the strongest, or just worked the hardest and did my best, that everything would turn out fine. It has been a hard pill for me to swallow that some things are just out of my control. I think I need to get back to church. It has been a few weeks and I feel like I need to reconnect so that I can put this back in the hands of a Higher Power. Because, obviously, right now it is just too big for me to hold without feeling like the walls are closing in.

The Small Things

2007-07-23T15:51:00.000-05:00

It ended up being a nice weekend. Payton and I had a little girls' day on Saturday since Jack went to Wisconsin for the weekend with his dad. "We" got haircuts and did some major damage to the bank account. I can't believe how old she acts. Of course, she had to try her clothes on in the fitting room, too. We walked in so I could try on jeans and she had stripped down almost before I could get the door closed! LOL Then we hit the shoe store and it is evident that this girl is going to be just as dangerous around shoes as her mother ;) It must have been a long time since I have taken her shopping for shoes in a store that doesn't just stock every size on the floor because when I asked her which shoes she liked, she was very confused and kept holding them up to the bottom of her sandals asking whether or not they were her size! But we left the mall with two new pairs of kicks each and a couple bags full of clothes. I don't remember the last time I bought clothes for myself that weren't more suitable for the gym or the track than public!

Sunday night we had my mom and brother over and cooked on the grill. Then everyone joined in some backyard baseball with the neighborhood kids. It was good times had by all.

I worked through my lunch today, but have felt really distracted and distant all day. I don't know if it is just work in general, but it seems like I don't find a lot of motivation to be very productive. I mean, sure, I have gotten everything done that I have been asked to do, but I sure haven't been going over and above what is asked. I just don't feel like doing the small, routine things that really need to be done. Maybe tomorrow.

Tonight will be a run and hopefully it can't be any worse than Friday's! I have already decided no hills and no stroller. I'd rather hit the track and the kids can play off to the side to avoid a repeat of that stellar performance :P

Some runs just bite

2007-07-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

And tonight's was a doozie, ladies and gentlemen :-X

I don't know if it was the fact that I had not eaten dinner yet, that I decided to go run on the bike trail that has some not fun hills, or that I was pushing the jogging stroller from hell that refuses to turn :P Actually, I am sure it was a combination of all three. I knew a mile into it that I didn't want to be running, but Payton and I held in there for 2.5. And that is just going to have to be enough for tonight. I suppose I can think that it is better than none at all, eh?

Cleaning My Closet

2007-07-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ The Guest House, by Rumi

I decided about a week ago that it was time to metaphorically "clean my closet" and get rid of angers and resentments. Life is too short for wasted energy. They just weigh too much. More even than the 15 pounds that I am working on getting off of my physical body :P So, that is my mission. Get me healthy. Inside.and.Out.

My counselor recommended this poem for me to find and she was right, it is dead on. We are given certain emotions and life-happenings for a reason. Lord knows that it is sometimes very hard to see the purpose in it, but I do believe that they will all come together to make perfect sense at some point in each of our lives. There are no chance occurrences, or meetings. The paths our lives take have been mapped out from Day 1, before really. The job we are given is to listen, learn and grow.

I have no idea how much further my map will take me, but for now, I think I would rather travel a little lighter and clean out some of this clutter that has been taking up so much space and keep traveling the road that is waiting for me.

Envy

2007-07-19T18:12:00.000-05:00

Today was a tough day. Some are just like that. No reason, really. It started out good. I woke up feeling completely refreshed from the night...something that has definitely not been a given lately. Then in the shower I used the end of the conditioner and on my way in to work my low fuel light came on. Neither one a problem at all, but it threatened my gym time for the day. You see, I couldn't run after work to pick up the conditioner because my son is going to his dad's a day early this weekend and my daughter is spending the night at my mom's. So, I made the executive decision that the gym would have to wait until tomorrow...but that was still okay.

Then I got a link to a blog. The blog of someone who recently suffered her own major loss. Eerily, her loss occurred 1 day before I took Kruex to the hospital. She has blogged through her journey of the last nearly four months. Her loss is different than my loss, but her words are my words. The emotions she has had, the things she has been through brought everyone of those feelings right back up to the surface. The thing is, even with all those feelings, what affects me most is *her* grief. I have come to terms with my own. I accept the fact that it will always be there and it is just my cross to bear, but it really just kills me when others have to suffer. I mean, really, isn't it enough that I have it? Do others have to go through this same misery, too?

But, honestly, I am not that selfless. In the same breath I was desperately jealous of her. She got to have years and years of memories. She got to have books and songs and personal possessions that would always be hers to remember him by. I have often wondered if something happened to one of the older kids (I know it is morbid, but it is just what it is) and thought that at least I would have stories they wrote or songs that they loved to sing and dance to. I think of all the pictures I have of the other two and how limited I feel with what I have that was Kruex's. And then I think how all those memories may just shatter me completely. To have all of that and lose it, how could I go on? But I guess what I have learned over the last almost four months is that you do just go on. The other kids need me to be *me* and not a shell of what I was when Kruex was here. Kruex's life was too precious to waste and I am not about to be that careless with the lessons that I am meant to learn through his life and his death.

So, thank you for the link ;) It was much needed and very much appreciated. Oh, and so far no exercising to blog about, but I am still hopeful that I will get a run in tonight after the kids are deposited where they need to be.

Thanks Java

2007-07-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

Man, this is actually kind of scary for me....I guess that is to be expected since everything I have done for the first time since Kruex's passing has caused the same kind of anxiety in me. You would think I should have learned by now that the worst part is the start, then it all seems to come back and feel comfortable again.

So, since I have last posted I gotten back to the track and to the gym. The running is coming along, VERY slowly, but surely. It is hot and humid in Illinois right now, which is not overly helpful in trying to build my stamina back up. I, however, do have a running partner. A great friend/neighbor of mine has decided she wants to start running so that has given me wonderful excuses to start back up at a nice and easy pace ;)

I am still loving the gym and quite a bit more so than the running, but I am fully committed to both. I believe the journey of an athlete, especially as an endurance athlete is as much a mental commitment as a physical one and I think that is just the kind of journey that this girl is needing right now.

Oh, and Lisa....thanks so much for the gentle kick in the pants I needed to get back to blogging. I promise most of them will be much lighter than this one, but I can't promise all of them will be!

Catch up!

2007-03-19T15:07:00.000-05:00

Let's see, I haven't had time to blog over the weekend, so this will just be a quicky catch up since last I updated :)

Friday - I ran 3.1 in 31 minutes, I think. It felt pretty good, but I was not breathing great.

Saturday - Warm-up mile (I may have finally figured this breathing thing out. I will let you know if it works next run or not...but this mile felt really good!) Then I did an hour and a half of weights. It was a great workout. My Icon-Kathy, her friend/gympartner Mike and I all worked together. They are sooooooooo helpful to me and have just taught me so much. I didn't even get sore from this workout!

Sunday - rest day

I wanted to run today over lunch, but ended up having to work through, so I will do some core and yoga tonight :)

Tomorrow is back to weights and I can't wait! I love the weight days at the gym!

It May be True Love

2007-03-15T13:52:00.000-05:00

Have you met my new boyfriend? His name is Gym. He gives me everything I need and knows I hate all that mushy crap. When I am pissed off, he lets me work my aggression out on him. When I am conflicted, he just lets me find my own pace and work through my own issues. Oh, he's there when I am happy and feeling on top of the world, too. He really is a great guy, my Gym.

Bad mood doesn't even come close to describing how I was feeling this morning. Irritable - not even close to being in the realm of where I was at. I was so far more than these feelings, these words that it wasn't even funny. You see, my dear, dear friends. I am in the process of stopping smoking. Yes, that's right. Now, before you go jumping into your "that's great" "you will feel so much better" blah, blah bullshit, I have to warn you that right now at this moment the only thing that will make me feel better is a cigarette and I could honestly give a crap about anything else.

But with the help of my Wonder Woman co-worker and my true love, I honestly feel like I may not just beat the snot out of someone today for no apparent reason. So, there is hope. If I can make it through today, I may just make it. And that is the only reason I need to continue this wonderful love affair.

Rebounding

2007-03-13T14:22:00.000-05:00

So Saturday really let me have it on Sunday and Monday, so I have definitely slowed the pace down for a couple of days. I took the kids on a walk to try to loosen up my muscles both nights and did yoga last night (Monday). I really think that did a world of good. The whole time I was doing it, my joints were popping and creaking, but it didn't hurt at all and I felt like a new woman afterwards. I need to keep that in mind the next time I overdo it.

I am still pretty sore, going up and down steps is rough, but not nearly as bad as yesterday was, so I decided that no more wimping out on the gym, time to get back on that horse ;) I definitely didn't have time to be nearly as intense as Saturday, but I got in a really good workout and felt great the whole time. I did a pretty decent upper body and ab/core workout. So tell me this....why is it that as soon as I put my heels back on in the locker room, my legs were whining again? I got in a warm-up mile and a solid 40 minutes of weights and felt super and the minute I stop, the muscles are back crabbing at me again. I just don't get it.

Hurts so Good

2007-03-11T22:24:00.000-05:00

LOL! Not really, but I keep telling myself that I like it ;) I got the most awesome workout yesterday! One of my coworkers who is a Gym Goddess let me follow her through her workout (I was actually invited since her usual workout partner was unavailable ;)) yesterday. I started by running 2 miles because I didn't know if she was actually going to come or not so I just figured I would run until I felt like stopping and then hit the machines. Shortly after my second mile she got to the track for her mile warm-up (she is crazy fast, too). So I ran a lap with her and thought I should probably stop and stretch since I was about to pass out from one lap at her pace...heh.

She asked me what I wanted to do and I told her whatever she was doing, I would do too (just minus some of the weight). We started with twisting lunges with a medicine ball down the hallway, then used the resistance bands another couple of sets. Then it was on to upper body. We started out on the mats and did some presses with dumbbells on a swiss ball. Let's see, I am still learning all the muscles, but we did pull-ups (that machine sucks royally), one for our shoulders, another where we pushed straight out and then went to the big machines in the free-weight room. We did biceps and triceps and there was a machine that you pull down that is supposed to give you that rocking "v" from your shoulders to your waist ;) After those, we did squats then quads, hamstrings and calves. We finished with a core one that is actually I guess like a backwards situp? You stand with your quads against a board and then lean over and straighten up. I know that makes no sense, but she said it supposed to work the love handles, which I am all about losing...lol. I can't wait to find out if she did more after I left. I had no choice as the kiddos had been in the daycare for 2 hours and I probably would have had child services called if I didn't come get them ;)

It was a rockin' workout, but I am paying for it today. Oddly enough, my calves are probably the worst for wear. They are not happy with me and I am afraid what tomorrow morning will hold for me. Wish me luck!

Never

2007-03-07T21:17:00.000-06:00

You are so much stronger than you think you are. You can carry whatever load is handed to you. And if it is too hard, then share it with me. I will carry part of it for you. I will take it all if you can’t handle it. If you can’t be strong enough right now, let me be strong enough for you. Don’t ever forget that I am always here to help you. I will pick up whatever you drop. I love you so much and would never leave your side.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. The rough patches don’t last forever. They really don’t. The first “ten minutes” are the hardest part. If you can get through those ten minutes, you can make it to the end. This is your “ten minutes” and I will be cheering you through. I love you so much and would never stop yelling as loud as I can for you.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. And you can believe in this because I am telling you that you are. I love you so much and would never lie to you.

I am so scared for you right now and I can’t tell you any of this yet, but I will. And I will do everything I can to help.

Are you Freaking Kidding Me??????

2007-03-06T16:04:00.000-06:00

My first official weight training day was today and boy, oh boy, do I need to hit the weights! I knew that my upper body was not as strong as I want it to be, but I had no idea how weak it was :X The lat pull-down (thanks Nik ;)) sucked butt and I couldn't even pull down the last time. I suppose it gives me something to shoot for ;)

Definitely need to weight train at least 2, preferrably 3 times a week though. I think I can even use the kids to do upper body at home, too. I am also trying to line up a sitter for Saturday morning to get to the gym for a little longer and workout with a girl from work. That would be great.

And now for the icing....mom just called and grandma is back in the hospital. Seriously. :(

Ugh, life.

2007-03-05T10:47:00.000-06:00

Last week at the gym they started a team program...Around the World in 40 Days. Basically, you choose your goals (anywhere from 125 travel points to 300 travel points). Each travel point equals 1 minute of exercise. So, on Monday, I go in, get my goal set at 300 and am all pumped up about it. That same afternoon, my grandma gets admitted to the hospital with pneumonia and there goes my perfectly planned week. Thankfully, we can count exercise at home (away from the gym) in our point total, so I did end the week with about 340 minutes, but they didn't come the way I had expected them to!

I ran on Monday and Friday at the gym. The Monday run was a great one, but Friday's was just kind of there. I have been doing core work on the ball at home, lots of yoga (which is getting much harder! I must have gotten lucky and started with some easy ones) and have started using dumbbells to do upper body work at home, too. Other than cardio, I have a decent selection of things to choose from at home.

The plan this week is to run MWF and weight train on Tuesday and Thursday. I am really excited to get into the weight training, so hopefully life leaves me alone this week ;)

Getting the run back!

2007-02-27T10:50:00.000-06:00

It is finally coming back and I love it! LOL I did 3.1 at the gym yesterday and it felt soooooo much better than any running has felt in the last couple of weeks. I was seriously starting to wonder if I just wasn't meant to be a runner afterall! So, 3.1 miles, averaging 10:30 minutes per mile...not horrible. I definitely want to get that number down, but would like to see my mileage right around 5 miles comfortably before I really start worrying about speed. I think that will come in time, and if I'm completely off-base, let me know!

As far as other matters go, today is supposed to be an offday from running. I know that my shins and legs would thank me if I gave them the day off, but I am dealing with some pretty decent stress right now that would probably be banged out a lot easier around the track than on the elliptical. Maybe I will try the stairmaster instead...I just need something to lose myself on for a while and something that will kick my butt at the same time.

I am also staying with the yoga pretty strong. I really love it. I did 40 minutes last night after the chickens went to bed and felt so great and relaxed and slept like a rock! I had been planning on getting up early to do it before work, but the kids' sleep has been way off for the past few weeks and I have just been fitting it in where it would fit (normally before I go to bed), but I actually think I really prefer it that way as it is so relaxing.

Truly Running Crazy!

2007-02-23T09:24:00.000-06:00

I have been working out daily...no slacking going on here and I really have lots to blog about, just no time to get it all done. Hopefully this weekend will give me a little time to catch up. So for now, just stats from workouts so I don't forget (which is entirely too possible).

Wednesday - Run 2.75 miles - averaging 11-minute miles. This run hurt. It was day 2 of running in a row and I don't think my poor shins are ready for that yet. They are still a bit tender today so I am going to try running on the track and if it just really sucks, I will switch to a machine to finish out the workout.

Thursday -
20 minutes on the rower - averaging 600 cals/hour. This felt really easy to me for some reason...maybe my form is way out of whack or I am just not as weak in those muscles as I thought I was ??? Either way, I liked it. We will see how I feel tomorrow since I seem to have a delayed reaction to soreness.

15 minutes on bike...I think I did like 3 miles or something. I had it on intervals. First time I used one of the pre-programmed setups and it went well.

Yesterday's workout felt great. I left the gym feeling like I was all warmed up and ready to do weights for another hour. Those are the days when I hate that I have to go back to work...heck, what am I talking about...that was the first time I have ever not wanted to crawl out of the gym.

So, today's workout is supposed to be a run. I will do a mile and if I am not crying, keep on for another one or two. If I wuss out, then I think it will be to the elliptical for me.

Have a great Friday! :)

Baggage

2007-02-21T09:15:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed how tired running with anger makes you? Yesterday's run was like that. The 3-year-old woke up on the ugly side of the bed and things just never got better...you know those days. Work was driving me up the wall, co-workers were making me crazy, people driving down the road could do nothing right - just THAT kind of a day. I knew I was going to run over my lunch as soon as we left the house and it was just made all that much more certain by the time I got to the office. It was the kind of day if I didn't run, someone may have gotten hurt. really.

So I hit the track at noon and ran my little heart out...which really isn't much these days since the HUGE slackfest that was December and January. But I put in 2.5 miles and was averaging around a 10-minute mile even with the walk breaks here and there. And when I left the track I realized how tired I was. More tired than normal and I got to thinking that it just wears on you to hold all that stress and frustration inside. I knew that I had to run enough so that I was too tired to fight or argue and that's what I did. Who would have known that running could be more numbing than alcohol! LOL

I also think I have come up with a new plan for this year since the Tri that I really wanted to enter is full....like popping at the seams full. I still may jump into another one quick just because I really want to do one, but if I don't, it won't be a total loss. So, my new plan will be coming soon. I need to think a little while more on it and make sure I am in my right mind (which is highly doubtful ;)) and then will be back to reveal it to cyberspace :).

Ramblings from the weekend

2007-02-19T09:32:00.000-06:00

So over the weekend I have done a lot of research about triathlons. I definitely want to do it and don't think I am willing to wait until the kids are longer, I would just be wasting time (per the last thread). My only problem now is to figure out how to make it work with training and to find a race to actually enter. The one that I had stumbled upon that really got me thinking about this whole thing is full. From reading the blog on their website, it actually looks like that sucker fills up in about 30 minutes! Wowzers! I have heard that there is a town closer to me that has one, too, so I will do some looking into that one.

My other issue - the bike. I have gone back and forth on this topic about 100 times/ways. I think at least until I get one tri under my belt, I need to just ride whatever bike I can get my hands on that at least will make it 13 miles... I have a feeling after that first race I will be hooked and then can decide how much cash I want to fork out for a bike, but until then, I need to be more conservative with the benjamins ;)

So, this all leads me to the plan I made this weekend and things I think I figured out. Since I only have lunch hours to really do any training out of the house right now, I know that I am going to have to do more at home. I have started doing yoga and LOVE IT! My 7 year old really enjoys it, too, so I want to do at least 3 days of yoga a week and I can do those in the evenings with him. I also need some core help, so I am going to do my core maxx videos at least 2 times a week, preferably 3, and should probably aim to get those done in the mornings so there are not kids in the way while I am crying in pain...LOL This leaves my lunch hours free to take advantage of the gym and outdoors. So, three days a week will be for running (for now) and I am trying to get the guts to sign up for the RPM class at the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I really don't know if the RPM class will help a lot in terms of tris, but considering I haven't really ridden a bike since Junior High, I figure it is at least a start.

My last problem that I am going to have to figure out is obviously the swim. I can swim laps at the gym, but I don't know how to fit it in with work, etc. If I could just get one day a week in the pool right now I would be happy with it. There is a daycare at the gym, so maybe in the next few weeks I will get brave and try leaving the kids in there for an hour while I try to figure out if I still know how to swim ;)

Anyway, those are my musings so far. Let me know what you think and what things I could either change or add anywhere. I am seriously all ears!

Irony

2007-02-16T14:10:00.000-06:00

I find it so ironic that at this phase in my life I am more motivated than ever to accomplish some pretty major physical goals. I think I have pretty much talked myself into trying a triathlon this summer (just have to figure out where I am going to steal a bike from :P), but in doing so and trying to figure out my training schedule I have realized just how much time I have wasted over my life.

This past year has really gotten me to value "time" and it has been really difficult for me to watch people (mostly my brother and his ex) cry around about how "busy" they are. If they only knew. I think I finally started respecting “time” last April when I discovered Dave Ramsey and the concept of financial peace. Oh man, how I wished that I had the time to work two, or even three, jobs to get my debt off of my back. Now I am really feeling it again, big time. I have the utmost respect for someone who can get up at 3:30 in the morning to train, and I envy them. I have been playing the math game in my head to figure out how long before Jack will be old enough to leave the house to go for an early morning run….the way I see it, I only have oh, five more years until that can happen. Ugh. And my only other option in that regard is to live with someone and at this point in time, I would prefer hot pokers in my eyeballs.

So, while I can’t begrudge my brother for wasting all that precious time – I did it. I would probably still be doing it if it weren’t for the lack of time that I have now – I still really wish that it was possible for him to share a bit of it with me.

I wish that I had the foresight during college to realize everything that was at my fingertips. Access to a GREAT gym for FREE!!!! And seriously all the time in the world. But the only thing that I did during that time in my life was party, get fat and put myself into debt. It only took 10 years to grow up and decide right all the mistakes that I made back then. So, while I know there is no use looking back or dealing in the past, it sure makes me wonder what the next 10 years have in store for me if I really decide to participate in them!

Finally!

2007-02-15T22:26:00.000-06:00

Holy Cow!!! I have been trying like mad to get back into this blogger and could not for the life of me remember my login! LOL I have finally been back into the swing of things for the last couple of weeks and am feeling great, have HUGE goals and lots swirling around in my head right now. I have so much to blog about, but it is going to have to wait just a bit longer as it is time for me to call it a night so I can get be an early riser and get in some yoga before the kids wake up for the day. So, now that I can finally get into my blog again, I promise...lots to look forward to!

Back in the Saddle!

2006-11-29T15:17:00.000-06:00

LOL! It feels like forever since I have exercised and it was only since Saturday, but it just wasn't what I had planned for this week....don'tcha just hate when that happens? I really wanted to workout yesterday, but ended up having to work through my lunch instead and then with my brother's basketball game last night, there was no time.

So, today I went to the gym, did the elliptical and feel like a real person again! I also wandered around more than I usually do and found the rowing machines. My plan, now that the weather is turning to crap, is that I will rotate between running, elliptical, bike and rowing. I think that should give me enough variety for a while to keep me motivated to get to the gym no less than 4 days a week. I would love to say 5, but with Christmas so close, I really need to give myself at least 1 lunch a week that I can use to run errands and shop.

So, here's to a great December at the gym!

WE DID IT!!!!

2006-11-25T13:09:00.000-06:00

42:30! That was our time to cross the line today.

Jack did so amazing and I am so stinking proud of him! There were so many people and afterwards you wouldn't believe how many of them came up to congratulate him and pat his back/shake his hand. I think he really felt good about it!

When they started the race, everyone just took off in a mad dash. Thankfully, I didn't get sucked into the crowd, but Jack nearly did! I grabbed the hood of his sweatshirt and pulled him back and he was PISSED at me! LOL But believe me, by a mile down the road he was glad I didn't let him go off crazy like that ;) Our splits were around 10:30/mile most of the time, which was pretty much where I wanted us to stay. I didn't want to run too much faster than that with him there and really just wanted to run as much of it as we could. We didn't even walk at all until right around the 3-mile or 3.25-mile mark and then only for maybe 30 seconds if that.

The last mile got tough for Jack and he really wanted to stop and walk when we were about 1/4 of a mile from the end. I pushed him on and kept telling him that we were almost there! There were two teeny little hills to go over and then down the road to the finish. He did so great and kept pushing on. I thought he was going to breakdown in tears that last little leg, and he told me later that he almost did :( Poor kid. Am I the meanest mom ever, or what?

I told him that I wanted to keep his bib number and he looked at me like I was nuts. I told him that when he became a great marathoner, I wanted to have the first number from the first race he ever did ;)

We will definitely be running again!

D-Day

2006-11-24T22:24:00.000-06:00

It's here. The 4-mile trail run is tomorrow. It's do or die and I have a feeling it may be the latter of the two :(

I ran Monday, Wednesday and Thursday of this week and have not had one run that was easy on me. I don't know what the deal is all of a sudden...weather changes, the increased mileage, or what ??? I don't know, but Thursday's was the worst by far. Major shin splints. I used to have wicked shin splints in high school, but since taking up running, have had absolutely no problems at all. Until, of course, two days before I am supposed to run a race :( Seriously! Not fair at all. I felt like they were cracking into a zillion pieces. I iced them after my run on Thanksgiving and again after we got home and I got all the kids to bed last night. They were a little sore tonight, but definitely better. I am going to find some stretches and try to get them stretched out really well before the run tomorrow. I just really don't want to end up walking the last half of the run. I will be so disappointed and I know that Jack will too.

Wish us luck. I'll be back with my update tomorrow!

Saving Grace

2006-11-17T23:30:00.001-06:00

Today's run wasn't as good as the last few. I wonder why some days they are easy and some days they just aren't. I did 4 miles, but didn't run them all, which is disappointing to me. I ran the first three and then walked abut 4 tenths of a mile and then finished up running the rest. My time was around 35 minutes, not bad, but not as good as I have been doing. My saving grace, however, was seeing that I still burned 475 calories. That number will make me run all day long! I am such a calorie whore :P

Work was crazy today and the kids were equally nuts tonight, so I am so so glad I got that run in. It was seriously all that saved my sanity on this day ;)

Thank goodness for the 7 year old that can talk me down!

2006-11-15T23:21:00.000-06:00

LMAO! Okay, so I am much calmer about the race now. Jack put my mind at ease ;) I figure if he isn't worried, than why should I be. I am just really glad that I am taking him with me because then I can't be nervous since I will have to put on my "brave face" for him! Haha! So, now I am just really excited about it. I seriously can't wait and wish it were this weekend! My only concern is the weather and not for my sake, but his. I want to make sure that he doesn't get himself sick or anything because his mom decided to take up an outdoor activity and drag him along in 30 degree temps - at least I hope it is at least 30 degrees!

No running or gym time today. I decided to skip out of work early for a haircut and to go get new glasses. It was worth it. I'll have to put a pic of me with my new do and specs up after I take a pic tomorrow :) I got quite the deal, too. Since my brother is the lab manager at the glasses place, I am getting two pairs of glasses from him for Christmas! Can't beat it!

Tomorrow will be a good day to run ;)

I did it!

2006-11-14T14:56:00.000-06:00

*Gulp*

I just put the registration for the FOLEPI 4 mile race in the mail.

It is real now....shit....I hope Jack can do 4 miles.

Will it always be this hard?

2006-11-14T14:01:00.000-06:00

Don't get me wrong...I am loving running, loving it. I also know that I am pretty darn new to this whole running way of life. But I just want to know...will there ever be a time when the mileage that I want to run that day doesn't seem hard? Will there ever be a time when I can just jump up and run 5 miles (or whatever my current happy place with mileage is) and not think about how much further I have the whole time?

My point of no return seems to be right about the mile and a half mark. That is usually when I really want to stop for a minute and walk, but if I push through it, I have been hitting my goal. After that, my breathing seems to regulate and get much easier. Then, the only thing that I contend with is my legs and only if they are tired and have been run on recently.

I did another 4 miles today. I came in just short of 30 minutes, which was my goal (I wanted to see if Sunday was just a fluke ;)) But the big motivation number, as always for me, was the 512 calories burned! That just freaking rocks! 500 calories in half an hour!!! No way! Makes me want to run everywhere!

Intro

2006-11-13T11:47:00.000-06:00

Javamom finally talked me into starting a blog....thanks Lisa ;)

I started running at the end of September, I think. My whole purpose was to find an exercise that I enjoyed and would actually do to lose this baby weight from #3 and to shape up. Running seems like a no-brainer since it burns crazy calories and I am all about that, but I have NEVER been a runner! I mean, NEVER! I hated running all the way back to jr. high track..lol! Surprisingly, however, I am LOVING this! I mean, seriously. I can't wait to get out there and run and am constantly trying to go further than I did previously.

Other than just the fact that I am watching those calories burn off, I love the time I get by myself. Being a single mom with three kids, I am not very familiar with time to myself and this is like heaven to me!

I finally ran an entire 5K yesterday, actually did a whole 4 miles in 30:57 minutes, so I'm pretty proud of myself :)

runningcrazy

Inspiration

Ink Me Up, Baby

Choices

Reflections

I'll Take New Biceps, Please

You Win Some and You Lose Some

Pity Party Anyone?

That Darn Biggest Loser

Introducing...

Finally!

Work Shmerk

My Own Personal Jillian

Dear Miley Cyrus

Workout + Hottub = Gratitude

Born to Run?

Randomness

Too Cold To Type

Birthday Wishes

No Run for You!

LOVED IT!!!!! And Shot Blocks are a Gift from God

It's Official

A Hard 3

She's Not Going to Like Me in the Morning

No More Excuses

Blog Schmog

A little disclaimer

Issues

I Love Me A Holiday Weekend!

Tagged & An Obsession

Statebound Baby!!!!

Marcelina McG........WE WANT YOU!

Just Like Me

Time to Start Knocking on Wood

Finally Friday!

Cheating

1st of the Month

That Call

TGIF!!!!

Running with the Kid

She's Gone

I Think I'll Take Up Juggling

Dogs and Kids - Any advice welcome!

Bedwetting, Cramps & Puppies, OH MY!

Roller Derby

Thank You!

Pretending

Preoccupied

Workouts and Breakdowns

My Daughter

Some Things Are Just Better Left to the Imagination

Demons

Taking Care of My Baby

Oh My Raging Hormones!

So Many Decisions Made Today!

Family Fun

It's Raining Men!

You Should Work for Criminals!

Busy Days

Congratulations Betty & George

Wet Paint! errrr...Ink???

Keep Breathing

Too Little Too Late?

Just How Much Crazy Does He Deserve?

Home Gyms vs. Public Gyms

Stood Up and Asked Out

Perspective

Get Her Out of My Head!

To All My *Safe* Listeners

Work, Weights & Wheels

Fresh Mind = Fresh Body?

Just Do It

Blessing in Disguise?

Claustrophobic

The Small Things

Some runs just bite

Cleaning My Closet

Envy

Thanks Java

Catch up!

To All My Safe Listeners